My friends just had an abortion.

iBot · 29 Apr 2006 at 13:32

(Well his girlfriend.)

And he wanted to keep it, How do I offer my support without sounding unmanly?

I've told him if wants to talk about it I'm there and then we quickly changed the converstation. Think that was enough?

gord · 29 Apr 2006 at 13:33

Done the best thing to be honest. Giving him the option is best rather than stuffing it down his throat or totally ignoring it.

TinkerBell · 29 Apr 2006 at 13:42

Think about all the positives for him to not have the kid in his life now, give him these facts in a kind manner!! Also tell him that he has all the time in the world to have a family and this isnt the best time for it to happen!

Tbh i dont think saying you will be there is enough when he has just lost his kid which he wanted to keep, also i think he needs to talk to his gf about it, since he might feel bitter against her for getting rid

But only say all that stuff if he talks about it to you again

Hope your mate is ok

Stringy · 29 Apr 2006 at 14:03

Probably not best trying to convince him it was the right thing to do so close to it, he might just get angry and not want to talk about it.

You've done the right thing, given him the option and then moved onto other things.

Kell_ee001 · 29 Apr 2006 at 15:13

Just make sure he knows you want to be there for him and that you're not just saying it because you feel you should

If he wants to open up to you he will then although some people find this a very hard subject to discuss, even with family or very close friends. Don't be offended if he decides to keep silent as this may be something he needs to think about before talking to others about.

starscream · 29 Apr 2006 at 15:18

Talking from experience here, it's something he will probably want to keep private between him and his girlfriend. It's nice that you've offered to talk about it with him if he needs it, but don't be suprised if he doesn't bring it up much.

NeedleGunner · 29 Apr 2006 at 15:20

iBot said:
(Well his girlfriend.)

And he wanted to keep it, How do I offer my support without sounding unmanly?

I've told him if wants to talk about it I'm there and then we quickly changed the converstation. Think that was enough?

For now, leave him to it and let him mull it over. I'm sure if he wants to talk he will. I know he will want to talk about it, I wanted to.

If he wanted to keep 'it' then he'll be wondering why she didn't and all the thoughts that go with it. Not to mention all his own feelings

Just give him some time.

pyro · 29 Apr 2006 at 15:33

Not trying to derail the thread, but it really bugs me when the woman has all the right to do whatever she wants in the situation, but they still want equality in other aspects of their life.

Anyway, without knowing their age, relationship (how long they'v been together etc.) and if they have jobs or are still in education, I can't really comment, but whatever you do, don't lecture him about wether this was good or bad, just be there for him.

PinkPig · 29 Apr 2006 at 16:11

Whatever you do don't take the advice of telling him it was the right decision - if he doesn't think it was, then he doesn't think it was, telling him otherwise can only make him angry.

Make sure he knows you'll be an ear if he needs one. Nothing else you can do.

It's an absolutely horrible position to be in for him.

paul@ · 29 Apr 2006 at 16:14

That's bad, I bet the girlfriend is emotional shattered inside.

ChroniC · 29 Apr 2006 at 17:22

pyro said:
Not trying to derail the thread, but it really bugs me when the woman has all the right to do whatever she wants in the situation, but they still want equality in other aspects of their life.

Anyway, without knowing their age, relationship (how long they'v been together etc.) and if they have jobs or are still in education, I can't really comment, but whatever you do, don't lecture him about wether this was good or bad, just be there for him.

hmmmm in a way emotional, but physically you cant force someone to endure that if they dont want too.
Thats why they will always have more say.

gord · 29 Apr 2006 at 17:39

paul@ said:
That's bad, I bet the girlfriend is emotional shattered inside.

If he wanted to keep the baby im inferring that it was her that decided to have the abortion? And although not a nice experience she would surely be more at peace with her decision than him..

PinkPig · 29 Apr 2006 at 17:51

ChroniC said:
hmmmm in a way emotional, but physically you cant force someone to endure that if they dont want too.

Assuming she wasn't raped, no one's forcing her to do anything, it was her choice in the first place. Should society and technology stipulate that actions don't have consequences anymore?

ChroniC · 29 Apr 2006 at 18:22

PinkPig said:
Assuming she wasn't raped, no one's forcing her to do anything, it was her choice in the first place. Should society and technology stipulate that actions don't have consequences anymore?

I think we have our wires crossed or something?

It wasnt her choice, i would assume seeing as she didnt want it, it was an accident.
How can you even suggest a women should endure 9months of having a child then have to look after it or give it away because the man wants one.
Thats a rather stupid opinion really. The effect on the women far out weights the emotion effect on any man.

FirebarUK · 29 Apr 2006 at 19:30

Hard stuff. Also talking from semi-experience, having an abortion really does bugger one's mind up.

pyro · 1 May 2006 at 15:38

ChroniC said:
hmmmm in a way emotional, but physically you cant force someone to endure that if they dont want too.
Thats why they will always have more say.

So how can you force the father endure the whole process of having and paying for a child they didn't want? It goes both ways.

starscream · 1 May 2006 at 16:01

pyro said:
So how can you force the father endure the whole process of having and paying for a child they didn't want? It goes both ways.

Because both parties are equally responsible for the child. But it is the womans body that bears the child, so it's ultimately her choice. Obviously the decision should be made with the father, but if it comes to a difference of opinion, how could you force a woman to keep a child that she does not want?

pyro · 1 May 2006 at 16:04

starscream said:
Because both parties are equally responsible for the child. But it is the womans body that bears the child, so it's ultimately her choice. Obviously the decision should be made with the father, but if it comes to a difference of opinion, how could you force a woman to keep a child that she does not want?

You can't force a woman have the kid, so why should it be ok for the woman to force the man become a father?

Stringy · 1 May 2006 at 16:11

pyro said:
You can't force a woman have the kid, so why should it be ok for the woman to force the man become a father?

If, as a man, you neglect to use a Condom, and then the woman becomes pregnant, you have brought it upon yourself*, and as such "being forced to become a father" doesn't quite cut the mustard. You weren't forced to have sex without a condom, so you willingly exposed yourself to the risk of becoming a father. Also, an abortion should be viewed as legitimate a form of contraception as the Pill or Condoms (this by all means does not mean it should replace either of them, it should be a last resort, it has more inherent risk, and causes much more heartache).

*however this does not cover acts of deceit like "I'm on the pill" when they're not. As such, you should always be cautious

Surely talk like this should be in SC?

starscream · 1 May 2006 at 16:12

pyro said:
You can't force a woman have the kid, so why should it be ok for the woman to force the man become a father?

You can't really look at it like that though. If you accept the principle that a woman cannot be forced into an abortion against her wishes because the man doesn't want to be a father - there is no other option.

It would be unfair to allow a situation when a father can shirk all responsability to the child just because he could say when the pregnancy was discovered that he didn't want the child.