New Joke

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Joined
15 May 2006
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Location
London
Hope you all like this one!!

IRAQI STRIKER

The Liverpool Manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two
weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he
says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." "Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so
sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
 
What did the Eskimo use to stop ants getting into his igloo, and crawling on his seals?

Seal-ant (sealant)!


What did the big zookeeper say to the little zookeeper?

Stop going in the thimble!


Where do eskimos go to the toilet?

Eski-holes!
 
monkeypants said:
What did the Eskimo use to stop ants getting into his igloo, and crawling on his seals?

Seal-ant (sealant)!


What did the big zookeeper say to the little zookeeper?

Stop going in the thimble!


Where do eskimos go to the toilet?

Eski-holes!

Exactly why have you not been banned for spam ever?
 
A very old but still amusing one:

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
 
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the British SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar

"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day.

Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant.

'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.

"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly
leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"."

"And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five feet. It is beneass my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jump!"."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jump ten feet."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground.

'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm."."

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"


"A leetle, at ze beginning."
 
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