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Step daughter wants to see her dad....

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by H3RBSKI, Jun 18, 2019.

  1. H3RBSKI


    Joined: Sep 11, 2011

    Posts: 896

    So.... I've been with my wife for 11 years at at the time we met her daughter was 6. Her dad left when she was 3 and had saw her a hand full of times in those 3 years but stopped before I met them. Since then hes made 0 contact, 0 birthday cards or christmas etc just no contact in the slightest.

    Fast forward 3 years after being together her dads new partner starts working at my place (forgot to add they moved 50miles away when she was 4, and then moved back just before his partner started at my place) I found out who she was through general conversation while training her. I didn't tell her I was the step dad but over the few weeks of training she ripped into me and my wife for how horrible we are for not letting the dad see our daughter, at this point she still had no idea who I was. Eventually my wife came into work to meet me with our daughter and then she finally realised who I was. She constantly apologised and said its "only what I've been told"
    After a few months of this she decided to try and make it up by offering to take our daughter our and buy her stuff etc strangely enough her and my daughter have alot of stuff in common so we eventually allowed her to take her out with our supervision.
    This went on for a while until our daughter was 15 and she wanted to go on her own as she loves the comicon and anime conventions she was taken too. So 5 years and still no contact attempt from the dad even though his partner is now taking her out a few times a year and getting christmas/birthday presents etc for her.
    They have become good friends and strangely enough so have her and my wife.
    For what its worth my wife fell out with him when my daughter was 3 because he used to beat her silly, put her in hospital several times and ended up in prison because of it. Even after all this she never stopped her from seeing him until he finally gave up himself.
    Now our daughter is 18 in September and all of a sudden he thinks it's time to see her. 12 years of 0 contact even though his partner had put in alot of work hes never even signed his own name in a card or sent her a message.
    Am I wrong in being extremely annoyed at the fact that she is contemplating seeing him? We dont always see eye to eye but I love her as much as I do my 2 biological girls. She has never called me dad but then I wouldn't expect it as I dont call my own step parents that either. Any advice? As everything I have said to her or my wife is just falling on deaf ears because "I dont understand"
    What I do understand is that I love her like my own child and I've been part of her life for 3x the length he has but apparently that's not enough to hold any value in the decision. Dont think I've ever felt so annoyed over anything before.
    Any advice?
  2. Dave85


    Joined: Jan 18, 2004

    Posts: 8,382

    Location: Sunny Scotland

    That would really rage me but in this instance I get the feeling your going to just have to go with it and let her find out for herself what sort of guy he is.
  3. Aedus


    Joined: Aug 16, 2009

    Posts: 8,559

    Location: Luton, England

    If she wants to see him you can't stop her. At the end of the day that's her biological father, no matter how much or little involvement he has had in her life.

    If you attempt to stop her, I can see her starting to resent you, so if it were me, I would allow her to, but just chat to her before hand about everything, don't try and put her off of the idea because again, you don't want her to think you're doing it out of spite, but just make her aware of the fact that he hasn't been around for a long time, and no matter what the outcome is of their relationship, you'll always be there for her.
  4. kindai


    Joined: Aug 9, 2013

    Posts: 6,293

    Location: Bromsgrove

    Pretty much as above, shes gonna have to work it out herself, nothing wrong with you explaining your concerns to her either though and offering the parental just keep your eyes open.
  5. Martini1991


    Joined: Sep 18, 2009

    Posts: 27,296

    Location: Dormanstown.

    It's her "dad", she's an adult, it's her decision.
  6. AHarvey


    Joined: Mar 6, 2008

    Posts: 9,427

    Location: Stoke area

    Say to her "I love you, you are my daughter and I am worried about this because I don't want to see you hurt. However, you're an adult and I respect you can make your own decisions but I want you to know I'm here for you always!"
  7. BowdonUK

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Jan 17, 2016

    Posts: 2,144

    I don't see how its anything against you that she wants to see her dad. If he's a 'bottom hole' then let her figure it out for herself. Maybe her mum should explain the background of why they split up, if she hasn't already.

    You'll have to be there as a wise counsel.
  8. LOAM


    Joined: Oct 20, 2004

    Posts: 10,961

    Location: Nottingham

    Annoying yes, just make sure you suck that up and support her in whatever she decides to do and be there for her if goes wrong.
  9. Roar87


    Joined: May 10, 2012

    Posts: 5,095

    Location: Leeds

    Don't worry, she'll meet him and realise how lucky she was to be raised by you
  10. MissChief


    Joined: Jul 17, 2010

    Posts: 15,699

    Do you have a right to be annoyed? Of course, everyone has a right to be annoyed about anything they want. But she's an adult now and you should support her and go along with her wishes. If he's still the same she'll realise fairly quickly. At this point resist the temptation to say 'I told you so' though as that will come across as patronising.
  11. NVP


    Joined: Sep 6, 2007

    Posts: 4,484

    Treat it exactly the same way as you did with the new partner, supervised at first etc. (or at least give your daughter the impression of fairness).
  12. wesimmo

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Mar 19, 2012

    Posts: 2,091

    This is the essence of what I think you're feeling so I'd go with this as it's the truth, from an outsider (and ex 'step-parent') it's the right thing to do and feel and she'll respect you more for it being heartfelt.

    It might go wrong, but that's part of the job I'm fearing most as a parent, dealing with broken hearted teenagers.

    It's going to happen to us all to some degree, even if it's only boy/girlfriends and this is obviously more than that, but ultimately as parents we're going to have to help our kids through the tough times and the fact you give a damn is all she'll hopefully remember.
  13. AhhBisto


    Joined: Feb 23, 2019

    Posts: 163

    From experience just talk to her, explain the situation of what's happened and why you're concerned. What my mother attempted to do to me hit the papers, and as much as I hated her and still am effected by ,I wanted to see her at your daughters age (and BTW if you ask me, no such thing as step daughters/sons you are the only parent that matters). When I eventually saw my own mother she was throwing up from an overdose and even ended up taken all the money I had for her takeaway.

    Every child likes to think it will be like the movies and sometimes you need to give them the opportunity to unfortunately realise that life just isn't that simple.
  14. ukxenon


    Joined: Jun 19, 2009

    Posts: 892

    what right do you have to stop her (NONE) let her do it and she will find out in the long run what he is like good or bad you cannot say a dam thing
  15. alx


    Joined: Aug 10, 2003

    Posts: 5,977

    Location: Dubai, UAE

  16. Teh_Next

    Perma Banned

    Joined: Nov 3, 2018

    Posts: 708

    Location: The other side of The Gap

    As above.
    Good luck,I think it will strengthen your bond with her if anything.
  17. Hilly


    Joined: May 17, 2004

    Posts: 12,026

    Location: Telford, Shropshire

    Sometimes you have to let people make their own mistakes and formulate their own opinion.

    Don't stop the dad from seeing his daughter. Just make sure that you pick her up, when he inevitably breaks her heart again.
  18. Terminal_Boy


    Joined: Apr 13, 2013

    Posts: 6,392

    Location: La France

    Exactly this.

    My wife and I always made sure that our daughter’s biological father (divorced when they were 5 and 3) got to see the girls twice a month, even to the point of driving them to and collecting them from his house so he could never play the “you kept them from me” card.

    Never said a bad word about him in front of them either. Didn’t need to as they both figured out what an absolute piece of rectal discharge he was by their early teens and they wanted nothing more to do with him.
  19. Zatoichi.uK


    Joined: Sep 13, 2005

    Posts: 2,569

    Surprisingly grown up responses. Well played GD, well played...
  20. Maundie

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Oct 20, 2010

    Posts: 2,250

    Unfortunately you have no say in this, she is an adult and can make her own mistakes. Just make sure you're around for if it does go boobies up, who knows he may have changed and grown up you never know they could end up having a father/daughter relationship.