The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[krooton]

Surely bots should be easy enough to avoid quickly after you go to text messages or whatever

I thought the paid for sites have less people but more serious people. But never used a pay for one

Bots are the ones that create fake interest in you when you have a free account, so you pay to be able to send/read messages from these people you think exist and find only fogbeasts. Fogbeasts everywhere.

 

[Narj]

Honestly I really do not remember! Cheers for the link, I'll see what Paypal say and go from there.

I would try the OFT reference on EH and state that it was most certainly not made clear at the outset that auto-renewal was default, never mind the fact that there's a notice period during which you can't cancel it.

You could offer to cover a reasonable "admin fee" as part of a refund (how much does admin really cost them!?), otherwise say you'll take this up with the OFT. Like I say, it's worth looking up similar threads on MSE and other forums.

Good luck, regardless. I hate this kind of shady practice.

 

[TheMeekon]

Right so I'm making some positive changes:

Gym
Artwork
Walking club
Socialise with work again even though I don't drink
Avoiding dating for now
Writing stuff down
Doing something everyday (visiting friends etc)
Upgrading the house
Taken my son to more interesting places

Keeping busy

 

[ChrisD.]

I would try the OFT reference on EH and state that it was most certainly not made clear at the outset that auto-renewal was default, never mind the fact that there's a notice period during which you can't cancel it.

You could offer to cover a reasonable "admin fee" as part of a refund (how much does admin really cost them!?), otherwise say you'll take this up with the OFT. Like I say, it's worth looking up similar threads on MSE and other forums.

Good luck, regardless. I hate this kind of shady practice.

Cheers for the tips, I'm hoping Paypal have seen similar cases and side with me, if not I will press further.

What's annoying as well is my account is still active and I cannot disable it, only turn off match notifications. So there's nothing to stop say my girlfriends mate seeing me on there for example.

 

[Skillmister]

Right so I'm making some positive changes:
Socialise with work again even though I don't drink

This is a key one for me that I had avoided whilst I was in my relationship as she had massive trust issues and I, perhaps stupidly/naively thought dodging such events would. It didn't help, was the main reason we broke up really, and as a result I've missed out on a lot of work and networking events that have probably set me back a bit.

A learning experience and a mistake I wont be making again next time round..

 

[ci_newman]

Cheers for the tips, I'm hoping Paypal have seen similar cases and side with me, if not I will press further.

What's annoying as well is my account is still active and I cannot disable it, only turn off match notifications. So there's nothing to stop say my girlfriends mate seeing me on there for example.

So tell your girlfriend about the issue, be honest with her You could sabotage the profile too, delete the pictures and information.

 

[ChrisD.]

So tell your girlfriend about the issue, be honest with her You could sabotage the profile too, delete the pictures and information.

I think she knows, doesn't stop people being people and spreading rumours etc. If I get time I'll jump on and remove pics etc.

 

[TheMeekon]

This is a key one for me that I had avoided whilst I was in my relationship as she had massive trust issues and I, perhaps stupidly/naively thought dodging such events would. It didn't help, was the main reason we broke up really, and as a result I've missed out on a lot of work and networking events that have probably set me back a bit.

A learning experience and a mistake I wont be making again next time round..

You learn a lot from the end of relationships ha!

 

[Skillmister]

You learn a lot from the end of relationships ha!

I've learnt a lot during and after it It's been my longest relationship by far, all previous ones have been counted in months not years! It's absolutely flown by.

 

[deusexlumina]

in need of a bit of non-sugar coated advice so thought I'd post here. You guys are pretty helpful and I have seen many pearls of wisdom in the past.

Have a weird situation where a guy at work is incessantly pursuing my current partner. He's aware we are together, but has now tried to chat her up a few times and keeps inviting her to events etc. Whats the best way to handle this situation? Part of me thinks i should take him aside and ask him to just stop being a ****, another says just ignore it all but the "inner pride" part of me doesn't like that.

 

[Steampunk]

in need of a bit of non-sugar coated advice so thought I'd post here. You guys are pretty helpful and I have seen many pearls of wisdom in the past.

Have a weird situation where a guy at work is incessantly pursuing my current partner. He's aware we are together, but has now tried to chat her up a few times and keeps inviting her to events etc. Whats the best way to handle this situation? Part of me thinks i should take him aside and ask him to just stop being a ****, another says just ignore it all but the "inner pride" part of me doesn't like that.

First off, your partner should be telling him to back off and that she's not interested. Second she should threaten to report him for sexual harassment to the HR department. Then she should do it if nothing improves. At that point, if it continues then further complaints should see him sacked. If that doesn't work, then report to the police for harassment/stalking. If work won't act, then report to the police to put work into a corner. In the end, you're not in the position to complain on your partner's behalf, she has to do that initially to HR, and she has to be the one to convince him she's not interested and his advances are not welcomed. She needs to rebuff every single advance, and basically just refuse to engage with him in any way, while threatening, then escalating the work complaints procedure. She needs to stop being nice and tell him to leave her alone in no uncertain terms. He'll either back off or get sacked. Then anything after that goes to the police.

I know there's a temptation to pay him a visit and wave a pry bar in his face (explaining and illustrating what a useful motivational tool it can be), but that's really a last resort. You can get yourself in as much trouble (you report him for chatting up your woman at work, he reports you for assault), and that leaves your partner without you to support her. Play the game, play by the rules, **** up his life with increasing complaints to his bosses, police, mother, etc before having to escalate to breaking a few random bones. In the end your partner has to work there and you can't be there all the time. Unless she's going to change jobs, or claim constructive dismissal if HR does nothing (which she has to report to them first), then play the game to your advantage, don't put yourself in the position where the other guy gets to use your actions against you unless you have no other choice.

You can try having a chat with him, but he will simply see that as a weakness and keep going the way he's going. He already knows you're in the picture, and if he's enough of an ******* to keep pursuing your partner, and friendly little chat isn't going to do anything, so unless you are going to go full nuclear at the beginning and get yourself into trouble, he's not going to take it seriously.

You may also need to have a chat with your partner. She may not be deliberately encouraging him, but she might be too nice. Some people just give out good body language because they are nice people, and others see that as some kind of encouragement. Maybe she's not the sort of woman who's going to stand up in the middle of the company canteen and scream "Leave me the **** alone!" in front of the whole company, but maybe she needs to be. She might be too embarrassed or not willing to make a scene or get the guy into trouble, and she needs to revise that attitude. These kinds of slimy predators rely on their targets being quiet, or claiming they are just having a joke or it's just banter, so your partner needs to show unequivocally that this is not welcome or acceptable behaviour.

 

[NewGamer11]

Can I interrupt the arguing about anxiety for an on topic post?

My 2.5 year relationship is over We haven't been perfectly happy for some months but my gf announced on Thursday she needed some space, then today broke it off completely. I'm pretty devastated as I thought we were in a position to work past our issues and it came as quite a surprise her saying she had had enough. Perhaps I've missed the signs as I've been extremely busy and stressed with work and studying recently. But anyway, despite me saying I am willing to try and work things out she isn't so its over. We've been renting off her parents so she's gone to stay at their house while I sort my **** out. Not got a whole lot of friends who I can count on for things as serious as living arrangements and all my family are in yorkshire so i'm in a bit of a pickle!

That really sucks. Hope you're looking after yourself.

in need of a bit of non-sugar coated advice so thought I'd post here. You guys are pretty helpful and I have seen many pearls of wisdom in the past.

Have a weird situation where a guy at work is incessantly pursuing my current partner. He's aware we are together, but has now tried to chat her up a few times and keeps inviting her to events etc. Whats the best way to handle this situation? Part of me thinks i should take him aside and ask him to just stop being a ****, another says just ignore it all but the "inner pride" part of me doesn't like that.

Has she told him that she has a boyfriend? Remember that you're only hearing one side of the story if you're not there, so what she sees as pursuing might not be? Granted inviting to events is a bit different than chatting up. Has she reported it to her line manager or HR? Agree with Steampunk that she should tell him again she's not interested and let her line manager know what is going on. Then if it doesn't stop report to HR and if it still continues then it will be a disciplinary matter.

 

[413x]

Right so I'm making some positive changes:

Gym
Artwork
Walking club
Socialise with work again even though I don't drink
Avoiding dating for now
Writing stuff down
Doing something everyday (visiting friends etc)
Upgrading the house
Taken my son to more interesting places

Keeping busy

Perfect. Keep it up. Gym is something you can do when no one is around too.

Looking forward to hearing good news soon!

 

[Captain]

in need of a bit of non-sugar coated advice so thought I'd post here. You guys are pretty helpful and I have seen many pearls of wisdom in the past.

Have a weird situation where a guy at work is incessantly pursuing my current partner. He's aware we are together, but has now tried to chat her up a few times and keeps inviting her to events etc. Whats the best way to handle this situation? Part of me thinks i should take him aside and ask him to just stop being a ****, another says just ignore it all but the "inner pride" part of me doesn't like that.

Is she entertaining him or has she told him to stop?

 

[deusexlumina]

Thanks for the advice guys, as always very helpful. I agree that this seems to be a matter for the line manager if it continues.

snip

I'm definitely going to have a chat with her, and just see that she's making it clear that she's not interested.

Has she told him that she has a boyfriend? Remember that you're only hearing one side of the story if you're not there, so what she sees as pursuing might not be? Granted inviting to events is a bit different than chatting up. Has she reported it to her line manager or HR? Agree with Steampunk that she should tell him again she's not interested and let her line manager know what is going on. Then if it doesn't stop report to HR and if it still continues then it will be a disciplinary matter.

He absolutely knows, and is consistently flirting etc. She's not reported it or anything yet. It's been going on for about 2 weeks, but it's only in the past few days that I've learned the full extent of it to be honest.

Is she entertaining him or has she told him to stop?

I'm not sure. She's refused all his request etc but has not told him to stop.

I'm not sure if she's entertaining it or not because i just don't see them when they're together. I should add (and should have mentioned in the first post) that we've only been together for about 2 months. Since the relationship is still fresh and i don't know her personality fully I'm having trouble navigating the situation because, as NewGamer said, I'm only hearing one side of the story. The way it comes up in conversation is more "by the way" as opposed to "i should talk to you about this" which in my mind is a bit of a red flag. If this was happening to me and I saw it made my partner uncomfortable, I think I'd have nipped it in the bud by now. For now though she deserves the benefit of the doubt.

 

[NewGamer11]

He absolutely knows, and is consistently flirting etc. She's not reported it or anything yet. It's been going on for about 2 weeks, but it's only in the past few days that I've learned the full extent of it to be honest.

What sort of stuff/flirting if you don't mind my asking?

I'm not sure. She's refused all his request etc but has not told him to stop.

I'm not sure if she's entertaining it or not because i just don't see them when they're together.

What is he inviting her to?

She should definitely speak to her line manager, agree wording with the manager for an e-mail to him saying that she is not interested / feels uncomfortable because of x, y, z and to please stop. That way she's got evidence if it continues. Next step would be HR, etc.

I hope it blows over for you. Some people don't do subtlety and he might have taken things the wrong way. For example, I was getting my hair cut a couple of months ago and a bloke was coming out as I was coming in. The three women hairdressers all started slagging him off. Apparently, he had been saying to one of them (who was married) that his wife was away and she should come over and all this sort of stuff. He kept saying it even though he know the hairdresser was married and so was he!!! He obviously didn't get it.

 

[Captain]

Thanks for the advice guys, as always very helpful. I agree that this seems to be a matter for the line manager if it continues.



I'm definitely going to have a chat with her, and just see that she's making it clear that she's not interested.



He absolutely knows, and is consistently flirting etc. She's not reported it or anything yet. It's been going on for about 2 weeks, but it's only in the past few days that I've learned the full extent of it to be honest.



I'm not sure. She's refused all his request etc but has not told him to stop.

I'm not sure if she's entertaining it or not because i just don't see them when they're together. I should add (and should have mentioned in the first post) that we've only been together for about 2 months. Since the relationship is still fresh and i don't know her personality fully I'm having trouble navigating the situation because, as NewGamer said, I'm only hearing one side of the story. The way it comes up in conversation is more "by the way" as opposed to "i should talk to you about this" which in my mind is a bit of a red flag. If this was happening to me and I saw it made my partner uncomfortable, I think I'd have nipped it in the bud by now. For now though she deserves the benefit of the doubt.

You are stuck in an awkward position though, the relationship is only 2 months old so if you start acting jealous it's going to push her away, bit too early for you to show you don't trust her but also too early for you to fully trust her.

Best thing to do is speak to her but try not to sound like you are pushing her into an awkward spot.

 

[Skillmister]

Right, how soon is too soon to meet someone new..?

I went out with some mates at the weekend and in a drunken stupor downloaded Tinder and ended up matching with an attractive girl who lives near me, has similar interests, good job etc. And to top it off she messaged first She seems very interested but I'm playing it cool, taking a while to respond to give it a bit more time seeing as its only been 10 days since we split up but I'm feeling good, life is settling down into a new rhythm and whilst I have no intentions of diving straight back into a serious relationship, no harm can come from meeting new people.. Just not sure how she'd react upon hearing i've so recently got out of a relationship.. Bloody typical really, this would never have happened in 6 months time

 

[Hades]

Right, how soon is too soon to meet someone new..?

I went out with some mates at the weekend and in a drunken stupor downloaded Tinder and ended up matching with an attractive girl who lives near me, has similar interests, good job etc. And to top it off she messaged first She seems very interested but I'm playing it cool, taking a while to respond to give it a bit more time seeing as its only been 10 days since we split up but I'm feeling good, life is settling down into a new rhythm and whilst I have no intentions of diving straight back into a serious relationship, no harm can come from meeting new people.. Just not sure how she'd react upon hearing i've so recently got out of a relationship.. Bloody typical really, this would never have happened in 6 months time

If I recall correctly your partner broke off the relationship. If you are sure there is no likelihood that you will both want to get back together then I'd suggest you should do it as soon as you feel comfortable. I say go for it. Life is too short to miss opportunities.

 

[Captain]

Right, how soon is too soon to meet someone new..?

I went out with some mates at the weekend and in a drunken stupor downloaded Tinder and ended up matching with an attractive girl who lives near me, has similar interests, good job etc. And to top it off she messaged first She seems very interested but I'm playing it cool, taking a while to respond to give it a bit more time seeing as its only been 10 days since we split up but I'm feeling good, life is settling down into a new rhythm and whilst I have no intentions of diving straight back into a serious relationship, no harm can come from meeting new people.. Just not sure how she'd react upon hearing i've so recently got out of a relationship.. Bloody typical really, this would never have happened in 6 months time

She broke it off with you because she wasn't happy, that's not going to change anytime soon.

Go out and meet other women, move on with your life and don't get hung up on your ex.