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The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by mattyprice4004, Apr 23, 2012.

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  1. gonda

    Gangster

    Joined: Nov 6, 2006

    Posts: 359

    Location: Derby/ Notts

    In a way, if that is genuinely how she is, she's doing you a favour of sorts by not marrying you and then ditching you 12 years later like her ex....at least she's self aware!
     
  2. Roar87

    Soldato

    Joined: May 10, 2012

    Posts: 5,095

    Location: Leeds

    Course she saw a future, she's not really afraid of commitment, she's afraid of commitment with the wrong person. OP just came across too strongly and she lost attraction for him, now he's continued to reinforce her lack of attraction by reacting emotionally to her, instead of playing it cool and acting like you aren't really phased by it.

    What is this a response to, what are you saying to her?
     
  3. JonnyT

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Oct 18, 2002

    Posts: 2,050

    Location: Cambridge

    I'm not going to go into any more specifics. What's done is done now. I've made mistakes, but I've come to realise that I liked her way more than she did me, went OTT expressing to her too soon, which triggered whatever commitment/emotional attachment issues she has from the past. She has admitted herself that she is a very selfish person, and thinks herself incapable of emotional attachment feelings, but she could just be spinning me a line of course.

    I don't think I should elaborate any further on here; I realise I will get a mauling from the "alpha" brigade for my naivety; lord knows I'm crap at this stuff, hence why I'm a regular in this thead!
     
  4. dave1983

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Dec 9, 2009

    Posts: 2,386

    Location: Andover

    Don't beat yourself up bud, like others have said she sounds like she's done you a favour so no mauling from the "alpha" brigade. Also reading what she said i looks like she wants to have a cake and eat it which is basically use you and by the looks of it done that to guys in the past.
     
  5. tek81

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Jul 1, 2015

    Posts: 2,042

    Location: UK

    Had a wine fuelled go on Bumble over the weekend and ended up accidently swiping "Like" to a colleague. Dammit.
     
  6. rebel rebel

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Mar 30, 2010

    Posts: 2,382

    Location: Exile

    Haha amazing! Expect a harrasment lecture from work any day now. If I had matched with my cousin, the most I would have got would have been a stern phonecall from Grandma! :p
     
  7. tek81

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Jul 1, 2015

    Posts: 2,042

    Location: UK

    She puts it around like it's going out of fashion, so I'm probably on her radar now. It's a shame she looks like the product of a relationship between a horse and an ape, else I'd probably go there.
     
  8. snips86x

    Capodecina

    Joined: Nov 14, 2012

    Posts: 15,542

    Location: Wiltshire

    Has anyone been in a poly relationship? Just wondering how it might have worked for you and how you managed to set boundaries?
    Short story, I've met someone incredible and she's poly. I don't mind that much and I probably need to understand more about how this type of relationship might work, but curious to those who've been in one or are.
     
  9. Mason-

    Soldato

    Joined: Jun 18, 2010

    Posts: 5,059

    Location: Essex

    From your end I'd just treat it as a friends with benefits situation otherwise you will get jealous. And don't go into it under some illusion that eventually she'll see the light, fall for you, and be with you solely. Go in it for some fun, but that's it.
     
  10. thewanted

    Mobster

    Joined: Jul 27, 2007

    Posts: 4,690

    Use protection. Lots of it.
     
  11. 413x

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jan 13, 2010

    Posts: 15,930

    Location: Cardiff

    I couldn't do it. I'd steer clear .
    Unless you're into that before I can't imagine it ending well.
    It's a complete blur of traditional friend /relationship thing but neither of them

    If you develop feelings you'll have a hard time
     
  12. Steampunk

    Soldato

    Joined: Jun 1, 2013

    Posts: 6,138

    I'm not sure you can make that work unless you are very good at compartmentalising, or you don't care that much for her because you've got someone better on the side anyway. You're already sounding a bit enamoured because she's "incredible".

    What are you going to do when she's shagging someone else, or when she's emotionally involved with someone else because she doesn't feel the same about you? If you care about her, she's just going to hurt you. If you're not fussed and it's just a bit of fun, then go for it, but don't think it's going to lead to a long term exclusive relationship. It might, but that's obviously not what she's looking for, so don't count on some Hollywood rom-com ending where she suddenly professes her undying love for you.
     
  13. snips86x

    Capodecina

    Joined: Nov 14, 2012

    Posts: 15,542

    Location: Wiltshire

    kinda the idea i suppose :D
     
  14. snips86x

    Capodecina

    Joined: Nov 14, 2012

    Posts: 15,542

    Location: Wiltshire

    That's kinda where it started in all honesty, but it would seem that things outside of those benefits are developing. I had to actually read up on that type of relationship to be honest, it's a completley alien concept to me but I can see how it would be of interest to people.

    I can't lie, she's growing on me. ATM it's exclusive in the traditional sense, but she's bi so does play around with women....that I don't mind to be fair.
     
  15. Steampunk

    Soldato

    Joined: Jun 1, 2013

    Posts: 6,138

    At some point (for most people) being bisexual fails to be an excuse for non-exclusivity in a relationship. Most people, straight, bi, gay, etc make a commitment to one person, and stop sleeping with others. Gender/sexual identities is not a get-out for that point when you have to decide if you want to have a long-term relationship with someone that's more meaningful that just casual sex.

    If exclusivity is what you want, but she wants to sleep with other people (who happen to be bi or lesbian women), then you're going to be unhappy. If she's making physical and emotional connections with other people outside of your "ATM exclusive" relationship, then you have to question if she feels enough for you that you're the one she wants to spend her time with and dedicate her exclusivity/fidelity/etc to.

    Basically, don't get to attached, because she isn't.
     
  16. krooton

    Capodecina

    Joined: May 9, 2004

    Posts: 24,764

    Location: Leafy outskirts of London

    You probably don't mind because subsconsciously you think she will only have fun with the women and that you will win in the end when she wants to settle down properly, but if she is really bi, then those women have just as much of a chance as you do of being 'the one' (if she ever decides to commit to one person).
     
  17. malachi

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Jun 27, 2006

    Posts: 8,926

    Location: Earth

    Sounds like she's suggesting this and not you. So you know this isn't going to end well and you end up getting attacted then hurt.
     
  18. snips86x

    Capodecina

    Joined: Nov 14, 2012

    Posts: 15,542

    Location: Wiltshire

    She's laid all her cards out and afaik there is only one other person (female) she's messing around with. I'm only asking based on what I've read from articles where couples have made a poly relationship work.

    From someone who grew up in a religious environment, this is very alien lol
     
  19. DrToffnar

    Mobster

    Joined: Jan 25, 2013

    Posts: 2,926

    I can imagine pal. There's certainly nothing wrong with it as long as all parties are aware of the situation at hand. But as others have said, in a Poly relationship you MUST be comfortable with where you're standing. It's OK to feel things, it's only natural. But as soon as those feelings begin to develop into something more, peg it out of there. It's not worth the mental distress in the long run.
     
  20. Geodude97AD

    Associate

    Joined: Jul 31, 2018

    Posts: 72

    If she is sleeping about and the others are sleeping about you may as well be going on a 6 months bareback Lady Boy rodeo, as that is about as much control you will have over your sexual health protection or not.