The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[omnomnom]

Dude I've just read your posts.

My friends wife, or ex now went to magaluf and came back with a text buddy. My then GF at the time also went on holiday and told me about her talking to a boy and going missing one night, only to be crying the next morning to her and telling her she made a mistake, yet didn't divulge into what it was. I was asked not to repeat this information to my friend as apparently nothing had happened. It killed me not to tell my friend and actually kept my promise to my GF.
Fast forward 2 months my friend caught his wife messaging someone, after being suspicious for well over a month that something was happening. The way he caught her? Ebay history she had been buying a bag to use to go visit him half way across the country. How gutted I felt for not telling my friend earlier....

Even after all of that, she denied anything had gone on on the holiday, and he still believed her. I could never bring myself to tell him I knew more about the holiday than I let on, and that she actually went missing one night and told my GF she had made a mistake the following morning.

Long story short, he gave her chance after chance but her head was in the clouds. They also had 2 kids and it was only when he kicked her out and asked for a divorce did her world come crashing down and she was back begging him for another chance.

Moral of the story - you are worthless in the eyes of your wife and she does not respect you and never will why you keep giving her chance after chance. People want what they cannot get and your wife has you on her plate - the fact she is rubbing your nose in it and you are allowing her gives her a great sense of power and satisfaction.

Ask yourself this though - Do you trust her? Will you trust her? Can you trust her?

If my partner told me those things then all trust would be out of the door and I could never forgive. You can maybe forgive but you will never forget.
My friend married his partner who cheated on him with his best mate. Whenever they are not together he is constantly wondering if shes cheating and so forth; it is not good or healthy for the brain.

I do trust her. She told me that she was upset that her head was turned as she's never felt like that before.

"They also had 2 kids and it was only when he kicked her out and asked for a divorce did her world come crashing down and she was back begging him for another chance."

This might be when im going tbh, im bored of it now. Ill give her a chance with zero reprocussions (there would be but money wise) and see what happens.

 

[Jonnybmac]

I do trust her. She told me that she was upset that her head was turned as she's never felt like that before.

"They also had 2 kids and it was only when he kicked her out and asked for a divorce did her world come crashing down and she was back begging him for another chance."

This might be when im going tbh, im bored of it now. Ill give her a chance with zero reprocussions (there would be but money wise) and see what happens.

Good luck with everything. You can't go in half arsed though - pretending you are not interested and actually not are two different things. She clearly thinks she is better than you, so you have to make her thing you are doing alright without her aid.

 

[Steampunk]

My bloody wife...where do i even start.

Background. Partners for 13 years, married for just under 7, two kids, we are both early 30s.

Now, she has ALWAYS suffered from mental health issues, ive helped her through hell these past ten years but recently its started to really get to me. Im a strong person, i can take a lot of what is thrown at me but someone with bipolar...good lord. It started last year, she went on a girls holiday with her best friend to the most friendly of places Magaluf. Now, im aware what this place is famous for however i trust my wife.

Forward to when she came back. This is ofcourse the short version:

"i want you to get some muscles and get a sleeve tattoo"

Im 32, dont want a sleeve tattoo and well...i could do with losing a stone so fair enough....i wouldnt say to her "I want you to start doing squats as your arse is a bit saggy"...

This went on for a week and then she admitted she met someone, stayed at his for a few nights watching tv and assured me nothing happened. This might seem mad to think but i know her and i do believe her.

Honestly this did upset me...its almost like if she had met a bloke, got smashed and made a mistake, this would have been easier but she admitted she spent 3 days holding his hand etc and told me how fit she thought he was, how she wanted to do something but didn't.

Fast forward 6 months, i'm over it but it certainly affected me more then it should. She then admitted they had been exchanging whatsapps whilst she was drunk about how she was going to kick me out and they could meet. He called me a "melt", she agreed and she then said he was still hot....I was furious as you would be but thens he assured me all was ok.

Fast forward to the past two weeks...she has become a nightmare...snapping for no reason and given her previous mental issues ive given her a wide berth. She's saying she wants a divorce etc, completely out of nowhere then the next day she's looking at family holidays and bigger houses.

Im completely at a loss as to what to do. These look like two different issues but for me the holiday and meeting this guy has changed her personality. Ive asked her to see a doctor about her mood swings but she wont.

I could leave but i have two girls...i feel like given her previous mental health issues i have a duty to stick around and help her through it. She's just finishing her degree, a degree ive supported her through so to give up now is gutting.

The problem with you supporting her through her mental health issues is that it never ends. She'll never get better, it just has to be managed, and at times she won't want to manage it, and then you'll have to fight her over that too. It's going to take a toll on you over time, no matter how tough you are.

I have to say I agree with others that if she was in a manic state when she was with this other guy on holiday, I'd be really surprised if she didn't sleep with him. She's obsessing over him because she's got some kind of emotional attachment to him (or the idea of him), and she would have slept with him because of that emotional attachment she generated. He won't be the first guy who just thought he was having a quick shag, and the woman turns up, announces she's left her husband and "now they can be together", because the woman has imagined a fantasy life for herself.

This is all pretty standard stuff for bi-polar. She needs to see a doctor and get her meds adjusted. Of course she doesn't want to, because she feels she's doing great when she's in a manic phase. It's the same reason she's going on about this other guy, and why she feels all loved up and excited about this fantasy she's built around this holiday romance.

 

[Rids]

Your wifes behavior is unacceptable, mental health issues or not.

The behavior on holiday was bad enough, then the continued texting and running you down to him. It sounds like she is in a place where she doesn't appreciate you or what you do (it may be the mental health issues causing this - I have no experience in this area) and that can't continue or the relationship is doomed.

I have no solution, with kids involved it sounds like a tough situation, good luck fella.

 

[A2Z]

You have zero idea and do not know me nor my wife.

Seriously.. you said she held his hand for 3 days? And you think that's ok? If my girlfriend held the hand of some random guy while on holiday we would be finished, no questions asked. That's cheating right there and you seem to think it's not a problem. Only person who doesn't know your wife here is YOU. She is taking you for a mug and treating you with no respect, like something at the bottom of her shoe and you seem to accept it.

 

[Deleted member 651465]

I agree. It sounds like she’s cheated but doesn’t have the stones to tell you. Holding his hand, spending time with him and even admitting to wanting to do stuff! Madness.

It also sounds like she’s planning on how to spend the divorce settlement to buy a new / bigger house.

Sorry to say, but you need to end it before you get truly done. I wouldn’t even ask for an explanation given her admission

 

[Roar87]

Im inclined to agree but with two girls involved its tricky. It might be a case of me leaving but to do that after supporting her degree (she didnt work) only for someone else to step in is a killer

He's almost certainly right though, she's obviously attracted to him and she was with him alone for 3 days? Come on bro, why are you still with her? In her head she's no longer your wife, mentally she has already left you, you're just there until she can finalise everything. Do yourself a favour and leave, start planning your own future and the future of your daughters.

 

[omnomnom]

Seriously.. you said she held his hand for 3 days? And you think that's ok? If my girlfriend held the hand of some random guy while on holiday we would be finished, no questions asked. That's cheating right there and you seem to think it's not a problem. Only person who doesn't know your wife here is YOU. She is taking you for a mug and treating you with no respect, like something at the bottom of her shoe and you seem to accept it.

Im not saying its ok but she isnt my girlfriend, she's my wife and theres two children involved.

If she was my GF then fair enough it would be done but she isnt.


I asked her outright tonight wtf happened and she said "i swear on our daughters lives nothing sexual happened".

Your wifes behavior is unacceptable, mental health issues or not.

The behavior on holiday was bad enough, then the continued texting and running you down to him. It sounds like she is in a place where she doesn't appreciate you or what you do (it may be the mental health issues causing this - I have no experience in this area) and that can't continue or the relationship is doomed.

I have no solution, with kids involved it sounds like a tough situation, good luck fella.

Its a toughy but im a clever bloke and ill sort it lol.

 

[Threepwood]

and she said "i swear on our daughters lives nothing sexual happened".

Never trust anyone who says this, it shows no respect for the person being sweared upon.

Even if they didn't do anything, it was sexual, so there you go.

 

[Roar87]

Im not saying its ok but she isnt my girlfriend, she's my wife and theres two children involved.

If she was my GF then fair enough it would be done but she isnt.


I asked her outright tonight wtf happened and she said "i swear on our daughters lives nothing sexual happened".

Would someone do what she did if she was in love with her Husband?

If she isn't in love with you and is more attracted to some guy with a ******* tattoo sleeve, how do you envisage your relationship is going to improve in the future?

 

[The_Abyss]

I do trust her. She told me that she was upset that her head was turned as she's never felt like that before.

I'm sorry for the situation but it sounds like you're in denial. You trusted her before she went, and now you're peeling back layer upon layer about how much you do actually trust her.

Start making serious plans for you and your children in a life without her. Don't be 'bored' of her - be deadly serious about it. The decisions you make now will affect you and your children's life for years to come.

 

[Deleted member 651465]

The sad truth is, you could end up:

Massively out of pocket. She will take you for everything including 50% of your savings, your pension etc.

With her having custody of your daughters whilst you pay £600/700 a month on child maintenance.

Selling the house and splitting the sale 50/50 because you couldn’t afford to finance it yourself.

OR moving out of a home you’re paying toward because you don’t want to sell it and she doesn’t want to leave. FYI if she wants to live in the “maternal home” until the children are 16/18 or whatever the legal age is, you can’t stop her.

Trust me when I say this... if she decides that it is over tomorrow and she’s going to run away with holiday man, there’s not a lot you can do except bend over.

The fact you’ve asked her about this a few times since the holiday tells me it’s bothering you and she’s casually denying it. I personally couldn’t do it knowing what she’s admitted to, never mind what she hasn’t

 

[omnomnom]

Thing is...i guess you dont know her like i do. If i were giving advice out to someone i didnt know id tell them to leg it and she's clearly slept woth that fella but i do genuinely believe her.

Im going to give myself a few days...get some gym work done and see where im at.

 

[malachi]

Thing is...i guess you dont know her like i do. If i were giving advice out to someone i didnt know id tell them to leg it and she's clearly slept woth that fella but i do genuinely believe her.

Im going to give myself a few days...get some gym work done and see where im at.

I heard this saying a few times.

"Men are the masters of complicating their life's and try to justify why they do it"

This is a clear example here, same with my friend who won't leave his wife who is physically and mentally abusive to him. Ignored all the red flags from his friends and family (met her on POF) and decided to go marry her anyway

On a side note, a question to all you guys out there. Why do commit yourself to someone who has mental issues such as bipolar etc and wonder why it goes **** up later down the line?

Do you all ignore the red flags during the first 6 to 10 months of dating? Is the sex honest THAT good it's worth the physical, mental and financial stress later on?

 

[413x]

You're in denial you seem to depend on her, and you've made your decision. That's fine if you're willing to prolong the inevitable.

You are giving her all the power, she can probably see you now bending over backwards even though she's admitted cheating.

This bit really sticks out ...

You say you'd leave a gf but not your wife?

Surely that's just wrong. Just because of a legal bind you are with her?
And staying in a dead relationship just because of kids never works (I've seen this in my family) And does more harm than good.


She's cheated, you've validated that, you're even trying to change to make her like you more but this isn't the real reason.


I actually wonder if you need her more than she needs you. That's where it looks like you both are at the moment. She's off seeing random guys, telling you, and you're trying to change to meet her requirements.

Good luck but I think you are prolonging the inevitable

 

[JaWalks]

A definite case of denial here.

3 days holding hands? Come on, you are being a mug. 6 months later and still texting the guy, telling him she's going to kick you out... agreeing with him when he calls you a melt. Time to start getting your ducks in a row and preparing for divorce.

 

[omnomnom]

You're in denial you seem to depend on her, and you've made your decision. That's fine if you're willing to prolong the inevitable.

You are giving her all the power, she can probably see you now bending over backwards even though she's admitted cheating.

This bit really sticks out ...

You say you'd leave a gf but not your wife?

Surely that's just wrong. Just because of a legal bind you are with her?
And staying in a dead relationship just because of kids never works (I've seen this in my family) And does more harm than good.


She's cheated, you've validated that, you're even trying to change to make her like you more but this isn't the real reason.


I actually wonder if you need her more than she needs you. That's where it looks like you both are at the moment. She's off seeing random guys, telling you, and you're trying to change to meet her requirements.

Good luck but I think you are prolonging the inevitable

She said she didnt cheat? Being around someone isnt cheating...well i guess its what you define cheating as.

Im not in denial, id almost prefer if she had that way theres a nail in the coffin if that makes sense i just dont believe she has and having lived with her for 13 years i reckon im a decent on whether shes lying or not.


"She's off seeing random guys, telling you, and you're trying to change to meet her requirements."

She met someone on holiday last year...she hasnt even spent a night out of our home since so i think thats a bit extreme tbh. Im not sure where i said id change? I need to lose a stone or two but thats not because of this lol.

Ive been too soft but as of this morning i havent been and she can sort her own **** out.

I can see how this looks and id have the same opinion as the majority here...my children really do complicate matters however i have someone coming to see me later to discuss my options. She doesnt know about it.

 

[malachi]

Oh, whats a "melt" this is a new term for me? Some new slang from Love Island?

 

[omnomnom]

Oh, whats a "melt" this is a new term for me? Some new slang from Love Island?

I think its the new "wet lettuce". Its because im not stacked and dont jave tattoos on my face i think.

 

[malachi]

I think its the new "wet lettuce". Its because im not stacked and dont jave tattoos on my face i think.

Interesting thanks, seems to be in the new in thing with women these days. That white male, with a beard and faded tribal tattoos. They all look like lemmings when you see them out on the street. I wonder what it will be in a few years women will gushing for!?!?!

Nice to see you are discussing your options, just don't go being a doormat with her because you are scared of being alone and starting again. It happens to many of us these days, with or without kids. You have to crack on, focusing on yourself and being that better person.