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The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by mattyprice4004, Apr 23, 2012.

  1. 413x

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jan 13, 2010

    Posts: 16,513

    Location: Cardiff

    Doesn't this just show you shouldn't talk for a long time.

    You need to tell her. It's not fair otherwise. And yeah probably shouldn't have done the sleeping withthing if you knew she was keen and you don't fancy her

    Kill it off now so she can move on.
     
  2. Jonnybmac

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Dec 17, 2009

    Posts: 1,764

    Location: Brotton

    Yeah. I wanted to meet up earlier but her mum took ill in hospital so we kinda just continued to talk but then came a point when I pushed that we should really meet up at some stage.

    The conversations were really good and I was really excited to see her so it was a bit of a deflation.
    Turns out her mum ended up passing away too when I asked her how she was. That went down like a lead balloon and makes all this more so sensitive.

    I didn't really want to commit to sex but then one thing led to another. Even laying in bed together I knew it was wrong but it felt nice to have some female company. She's not a bad person to be honest and she isn't the ugliest, I'm just comparing her to my ex and she isn't on par as shallow as that sounds. Which to me also states I'm also really not over my ex. I should be happy but since the weekend I feel like I've gone massively back over from a break up that was now 4 months ago.
     
  3. malachi

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Jun 27, 2006

    Posts: 9,510

    Location: Earth

    If you are benchmarking all women against your ex then you are never going to be happy and shouldn't be dating anyone.

    You need more time to be alone.
     
  4. Jonnybmac

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Dec 17, 2009

    Posts: 1,764

    Location: Brotton

    I would agree and it isn't like I've intentionally gone out to mess someone about or compare. Crazy it was me who left her too. I think I'm lacking the negative thoughts that were many in that relationship.
     
  5. EddScott

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Oct 18, 2002

    Posts: 8,190

    Location: Pembrokeshire

    I have just broken off a fledging relationship because I wasn't fully signed up to it. I can't even explain why I've felt like I had to finish it but the longer I allowed it to continue the harder it would have been for both of us.

    If you're really not sure you want a relationship with this girl, you must tell her. I feel relief and awful all at the same time right now. Not even sure I've made the right decision. It's unfair to carry it on if she is falling for you and you can't bring yourself to end it. It's horrible doing what I've just done but has to be for the best for both of you long term.
     
  6. R.O.S.S.I

    Capodecina

    Joined: Nov 16, 2002

    Posts: 10,386

    Location: The Moon

    Bah, just been hit with the old "it's not you, it's me" again. I was actually convinced this one was going to be the one I was going to settle down with long-term, no other ex's have made me feel like she did, but alas she didnt love me as much as I love her.

    Still pretty raw having only happened Sat PM/Sun AM. We'd only been together 6 months and the first 4 months was long-distance, a fantastic time seeing each other every 3 weeks or so on weekends away etc. Then she moved closer and we were able to see each other more. Think its freaked her out a bit despite my best attempts for it not to get too intense.

    She said she was having difficulty putting into words how she feels about me but was going to try and write it out for me and that she does love me but there is just something missing which she can't quite put her finger on.

    Proper kick in the nuts.
     
  7. .Lethal

    Soldato

    Joined: Jun 8, 2005

    Posts: 6,158

    Location: United Kingdom

    How old are you both?
     
  8. malachi

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Jun 27, 2006

    Posts: 9,510

    Location: Earth

    Yeah, it crap when that happens.

    Same sort of thing happened to me yesterday. Only difference is, I couldn't careless because I have other options with different women :D

    I learnt my lesson years ago.
     
  9. R.O.S.S.I

    Capodecina

    Joined: Nov 16, 2002

    Posts: 10,386

    Location: The Moon

    Me? 33 and she is 30.
     
  10. Dugganator

    Wise Guy

    Joined: May 7, 2006

    Posts: 1,842

    I saw a unilad article on facebook basically saying today or yesterday was the last acceptable day before Christmas to dump the other half. Merry Christmas y'all

    Personally thought I wonder which people who actually looked at that and then took action like suggestively being planted in their head. Personally I have never been that mean before Christmas and I'm sorry to the chaps that recently have had the "its me, not you" rubbish
     
  11. .Lethal

    Soldato

    Joined: Jun 8, 2005

    Posts: 6,158

    Location: United Kingdom

    At that age you would have thought she would know what she’s looking for.

    You’re better off, even though these things suck you’ll feel better in time
     
  12. Roar87

    Soldato

    Joined: May 10, 2012

    Posts: 5,738

    Location: Leeds

    How apparent do you think you made that to her? You need to show girls the same level of interest as they're showing you, if you come across as the 'lovey dovey' one too quickly it can just put them off. Clingy is really unattractive in men
     
  13. ChrisD.

    Capodecina

    Joined: Sep 20, 2006

    Posts: 23,614

    Ouch, 6 months is hard as that's on the edge of honeymoon/this could be serious.

    After being single for about 3 months (my choice, my ex is an immature whiny bitch) I've recently started seeing someone new and it's going great, but we are both aware it's fresh and we are not labelling it or jumping to any conclusions, just enjoying each others company.
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2019
  14. Steampunk

    Soldato

    Joined: Jun 1, 2013

    Posts: 6,802

    At that age you'd think she'd know that you work together to build a successful relationship, you don't get handed every Disney princess cliche on a plate to make you ecstatically happy while you ride off into the sunset.

    "It's me, not you." "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", "I still love you, but I can't be with you", etc... every cliched trope from all the Hollywood tripe she's been brought up on. People who can't see the real world because of all the fake world in their heads.

    Sorry ROSSI, some people will never be happy, because they don't know what they want and they live for a fantasy that doesn't exist.
     
  15. 413x

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jan 13, 2010

    Posts: 16,513

    Location: Cardiff

    I wouldn't look at age for that. Age is just a number. You get 25 year old more planted and secure in their future than 35 yos.
    And neither is wrong or right.

    Sorry to hear that rossi though. There's only so many 6 month breaks you have. I mean 6 months is not far off a year of time once you get back to dating.

    Probably worse for women with men playing that card if they want kids. If you're a woman 35, and that happens you are going to get mighty anxious about kids if you want them. At least men don't have that.
     
  16. Cleisthenes

    Soldato

    Joined: Jul 29, 2013

    Posts: 7,417

    Location: TN1

    The moment I started pushing for a date after about a week (on apps) rather than dithering about I was getting much better success with getting dates in the first place and also how successful they were. Not with one of those women and have been for a year, go figure!
     
  17. malachi

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Jun 27, 2006

    Posts: 9,510

    Location: Earth

    Same with me, had multiple dates with women every week since I joined online dating apps 4 weeks ago.

    If a meet up doesn't happen after 5 days I am chatting to them, I move onto the next. I'm not on there looking for text buddies.
     
  18. R.O.S.S.I

    Capodecina

    Joined: Nov 16, 2002

    Posts: 10,386

    Location: The Moon

    Yeh, just getting a bit frustrating and disheartening. I was in a very long term relationship about 3 years ago which ended in much the same way after a wedding was planned and all sorts. Have had it happen again with another girl since, and now again with this one. Despite everyone reassuring me its absolutely nothing to do with me you can't help but think it is and I'm starting to get a bit of a complex about I think!

    Yeh I guess so. Everyone is different I suppose. I thought we were both on the same page. Both looking to settle down in the next year or so, both wanting to start a family in the next couple of years, both had similar ideas about what where we wanted to be in the next 12 months (we're in Australia atm but both planned to go back to UK at end of next year).

    I wouldn't say I was clingy. I was a bit lovey dovey, but not the point of it being a nuisance or whatever and don't think its my affection that turned her off (well not to my knowledge). She was equally affectionate and close in person etc.

    Yeah im thinking its maybe gotten to the point where shes unsure if she wants a serious relationship. I thought she did but maybe she didn't.

    I'm not really sure whats been going on for her or how she feels exactly. She said she was struggling to verbalise at the time and she needed time to process everything. She has been checking in on me every day saying she hopes im OK etc but I basically said maybe we should just stop messaging each other for a bit to give her complete unhindered headspace to deal with whatever it is she is going through and without feeling the need to check in on me because shes worried. We agreed to do that and meet for breakfast on Saturday morning.

    Yeh. That 6 month barrier is doing my head in haha. Hopefully one day i'll get there with someone! I'm trying to remain positive, gymming in the morning, silver lining is there's only one more week of work left then I'm off for 2 weeks and have Christmas with some pals planned then maybe going to Melbourne/New Zealand/Bali (not decided yet) over New Year for a week.
     
  19. malachi

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Jun 27, 2006

    Posts: 9,510

    Location: Earth

    Well its been an very eventful few weeks since I joined Tinder a month ago. As of this morning, I closed my account.

    I do not have the time to date multiple women, it was at least 2 dates every week with different women and I woke up this morning (in my own bed for a change!) physically drained. I was at the gym and I couldn't push the amount of KG I usually do.

    Had my last and final date with a half British, half Swiss woman last night. Shes very bubbly (not fat bubbly) as she slim and very cute. Then I came home at 11pm after the date and spent 1hr on the phone being moaned at because the Polish girl I am dating wanted to see more and I wasn't spending enough time with her. I thought twice a week and me stopping round was enough:confused: clearly to her its not! So she be staying round mine tonight to keep her happy as I be going on holiday for 3 weeks from Saturday.

    On my return I need to arrange three, 2nd dates for next month and one new date with a women I met from Argentina on Friday night. If I can fit them in!

    But it was good to see and experience how the "other half" lives. At the sametime its a shame because with the rise and popularity of internet dating, that's everyone's default now, sitting in front of a screen and swiping. Because they think they have options instead of opening up their eyes and paying attention to the person who is standing right in front of their face and probably have done for years but would never give them a chance because dating apps takes higher priority.

    Abit of a crappy way society is turning into :(
     
  20. Roar87

    Soldato

    Joined: May 10, 2012

    Posts: 5,738

    Location: Leeds

    Ok so the reason this is happening is because she isn't attracted to you, this isn't a physical attraction thing either, and she's now trying to alleviate her guilt of breaking up with you by contacting you to make sure you're okay. Why are you allowing this? She isn't your mum, you don't need a woman to check up on you, you don't need to meet up with her for breakfast, what the actual hell. You need to be introspective here, women are ultimately attracted to masculinity in the same way we're attracted to femininity, men shouldn't be more lovey dovey than their partner, let them lead in that way, you just be cool about things. You don't need to tell her you love her every 5 minutes, you don't need to text them 100 times a day and instantly reply to their every message if you're in the middle of doing something, you don't need fret about their every emotional whim, you don't need to apologise every time she decides you've done something wrong - now I'm not saying you were literally doing that all of that, but I know the reason she broke up with you was because she lost attraction for you as a man. Look at the types of men women are really attracted to, the masculine guys, if you're wondering how to act in a given situation just ask yourself how they would act. It probably wouldn't be meeting up for breakfast after they'd been dumped for a start.