Caporegime
If you’re arguing every week about the same stuff then you or her either aren’t pulling your weight (housework and things like that etc) or she’s the type who likes having drama.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
Associate
Some valid points here, the argument is mostly about her saying I'm not putting enough effort in to the relationship, like I dont want to do anything or go anywhere , while there is some truth in it she's exagerating , I am up for going out sometimes but she just seems to want to go out far too much for my liking. I do like my own time somtimes (& no I dont want to be single). I'm a HGV driver so not keen on doing too much driving at a weekend.
Just to expand on my original post we probably argue a couple of times a month (I dont keep track so hard to say for sure), mostly when we are spending quite a bit of time together.
Just to expand on my original post we probably argue a couple of times a month (I dont keep track so hard to say for sure), mostly when we are spending quite a bit of time together.
From my point of view it's not about blaming one person or the other. But it's about finding a person you get along with. People are different and want different things. From her point of view she is right. But equally you have a valid point from your point of view. Unless you can come to a mutual agreement then it will simply cause arguments for the future. That's why I suggest having a long think, and a calm conversation, about what you each want. If you'e not compatible then so be it.
So you're a HGV driver who spends a lot of time away presumably, then when you're back you want to relax and stay in which is understandable, and she wants to go out and do things because she's been bored at home all week which is also understandable. You need to compromise here and agree to go out at least every other week, go out and have a meal or go for a week, go to the cinema or something. Ultimately though your job is what's causing the strain. I don't know your situation but having a woman at home complaining she's bored and stuck in the house can ultimately lead them to finding someone else to go out and do things with.
Associate
We do go out every other week maybe more so it's not like we never go out but she seems to want us to do more.
I can't take that sort of turbulence too much It's just stressful and I can't cope. I'm not good with that sort of stuff.
But equally bottling up problems isn't good.
Talking through problems is critical, but full blown arguments should be rare.
Other people seem fine with regular arguments
If you've brought it up on here you obviously aren't fine with it. And that is enough and fine.
Try to talk it out, see if you can come to a compromise Talk about any problems before it gets to arguments. Some people are just argumentative. If that's the case, myself I couldn't take it
But equally bottling up problems isn't good.
Talking through problems is critical, but full blown arguments should be rare.
Other people seem fine with regular arguments
If you've brought it up on here you obviously aren't fine with it. And that is enough and fine.
Try to talk it out, see if you can come to a compromise Talk about any problems before it gets to arguments. Some people are just argumentative. If that's the case, myself I couldn't take it
Struggled a bit with my mental health over this Christmas.
Probably one of the loneliest time for me relationship wise - not actually because I had friends and family which I feel guilty for feeling this way when I do have enough, I just missed the whole being in a family with a son and partner and felt empty. It was made worse that my ex is with someone else so all I could think about was her enjoying herself and having a rosey family Christmas and new year with him whilst I'm unable to stop thinking about her and my former step son.
The relationship wasn't working - I couldn't handle her constantly at me so I ended it. I never wanted to end it because deep down I loved them both but I just couldn't handle things anymore. I often think if only we could have got through the rocky part because things were not always that way - everything just got too sensitive that the relationship felt on a knife edge all the time.
I've tried walks, hobbies, dating and all sorts to take my mind off her but yet 4 months later I still wake up on a morning thinking of her and it's becoming really unhealthy.
Probably one of the loneliest time for me relationship wise - not actually because I had friends and family which I feel guilty for feeling this way when I do have enough, I just missed the whole being in a family with a son and partner and felt empty. It was made worse that my ex is with someone else so all I could think about was her enjoying herself and having a rosey family Christmas and new year with him whilst I'm unable to stop thinking about her and my former step son.
The relationship wasn't working - I couldn't handle her constantly at me so I ended it. I never wanted to end it because deep down I loved them both but I just couldn't handle things anymore. I often think if only we could have got through the rocky part because things were not always that way - everything just got too sensitive that the relationship felt on a knife edge all the time.
I've tried walks, hobbies, dating and all sorts to take my mind off her but yet 4 months later I still wake up on a morning thinking of her and it's becoming really unhealthy.
Soldato
It will get easier, it just takes time. If you had stayed together, the relationship would still have been broken, it might have affected the child further down the line too.
I watched my parents destroy their relationship after my sister and I left home... Mum always at my dad for something, him retreating further and further away emotionally. One day he'd had enough and left. They should have sought help sooner or parted ways sooner. Would have saved much hurt and their sanity.
I watched my parents destroy their relationship after my sister and I left home... Mum always at my dad for something, him retreating further and further away emotionally. One day he'd had enough and left. They should have sought help sooner or parted ways sooner. Would have saved much hurt and their sanity.
That's the question I always ask myself if only we got help sooner rather than the rocky final year we had. Repeating past scenarios, feeling jealous of what could have been and instead someone else has.
I was in the lakes yesterday and seen a family playing by the water and I instantly thought is that what I've walked away from.
I'd love to forget her but so many things remind me of what once was. I need to also purge my google photos of all my photos as I keep getting memory updates also which doesn't help. That's going to be a long and painful task I think.
Why didn't the relationship work?
She was just on my back all the time. I hit a low point and lacked motivation so that didn't help. Went on holiday with her and her parents and all she tried to do was make a mug of me in front of them and the whole thing was tense. I admit I didn't help matters as I went full insecure mode so on the last day I called it over and said I was leaving once we got home. I felt liberated at first. I guess I'm maybe forgetting so much of the bad stuff. I'm not one to hold grudges and I would rather remember the good times as we had loads.
She obviously didn't feel the same way about you, as she had this guy in the wings for long enough that she got into a relationship with him as soon as the one with you finished. That was probably the reason she made a concerted effort to make life miserable for you ie, so you would leave, she could blame you, and then start over with this next guy she had on tap. You were probably manipulated by her into leaving the relationship. By the end, she just wanted you out.
^this
No amount of counselling or whatever was going to save this so try not to think about it. Easier said than done but this was a dead relationship.it's often the way it goes.
Christmas is bound to be hard. Feeling like you do it's normal. It's a cliche but time will heal and so will trying to keep yourself busy
Don't blame yourself Try not to second guess
No amount of counselling or whatever was going to save this so try not to think about it. Easier said than done but this was a dead relationship.it's often the way it goes.
Christmas is bound to be hard. Feeling like you do it's normal. It's a cliche but time will heal and so will trying to keep yourself busy
Don't blame yourself Try not to second guess
I've rang every scenario through and this has weighting. The fact we didn't have sex for the last month, granted 2 weeks of it we were on holiday sharing a room with her son but there were all sorts of little things.
The fact also this is most likely true makes it all the more frustrating that I can't get her out of my head when she doesn't deserve to be in it.
You're obviously not happy.
It's not because you're missing your ex. You're missing aspects of being in a relationship and she was the last one you were in one with.
You're obviously not going to get back in a relationship with her so she's not a solution to your unhappiness.
Forget her and focus on your finding that solution. Look at yourself and find out what you want to change, make that your goal and start the road to achieving it.
Believe me I've tried and yeah you're right I'm not happy. I dropped so many of my friends, some for the right reasons others not over the years of being with her. I find myself lacking those friendship circles I once had so many of and feel sort of lonely at times which doesn't help. Seeing a family at the weekend playing I kind of had feelings of missing that feeling. I tried dating and all it did was make me think of her, comparing sex to with her and not being the same then I'd mess my head up more for putting myself in that situation or thinking of her. It also wasn't fair on the girl I was dating so called it off and truthfully told her the reason why, not long before Christmas which I also felt harsh about doing but didn't want it stringing on further.
I guess it will just take time. I'm past the worst part being Christmas now so only way it up.
Appreciate the responses
She may not have been doing it as consciously and as planned as I've implied, but she wanted to get rid of you, didn't want to be with you because of this other guy, and didn't want to be the bad guy, so you had to be the one to initiate the split. Her attitude towards you changed because she was already out of the relationship and persuing this other guy, and wanted you gone.
You have to not dwell on it, and think about other things. Every time you find yourself thinking about your ex, you have to pull your mind away and think about something else. It's like pulling your fingers out of your mouth every time you find yourself biting your nails when you are trying to learn to stop chewing on your fingers.
This is why so many men have success with taking up new hobbies, going to the gym, meeting new people, joining the dating scene and finding someone else to spend time with. It gives you other things to do and think about, and stop you spiralling into dark thoughts about "what if" and what might have happened.
You may never know the truth of it, and even if you did, that doesn't guarantee a sense of closure. You have to leave your ex behind, move on with your life, find new things and people to fill your thoughts. You have to be a little zen about it, and just let it all go to fade into the past, while you move on to other things and better people. This is why you have to sever all reminders (at least for a while), and cut off the things in your past that will keep you tied to your ex.
It's easy to say and hard to do, but the important thing is to keep trying to move on every day, and it becomes easier. The alternative is to wallow in the problems of a past relationship that you can never do anything about, that will just drag you down emotionally and mentally, and will stop you moving on in life. You have to make new memories with new people in order to make the old ones fade away, and you have to give new people a chance to fill the hole in your life that your ex used to occupy. If you don't your past, and the ex-shaped space will stop you from finding a happy future.
Last edited:
Soldato
It will be hard bud, Time is a good healer... I know its cliché but honestly it works, I went through a similar patch when I was dumped by who I thought was the one, my parents have never seen me in such a state but my dad had a few words with me (along the lines of what others have told you) and with the right mentality id forgot about her and was a different person, You just need people to talk to and things to do.
Great start to 2020 for me. Decided to go back on Tinder after being single for last 6 months or so. Got a girl's number. I was bit worried she seemed a bit towie/vain but went along with it. She asked me for "more pics" to prove I wasn't a catfish. I was quite reluctant as am not a heavy social media user. Anyway, I took a leap of faith and accepted her friends request on FB.
Within 2 mins, I was deleted/blocked on both FB and WhatsApp. Felt so low about it. What a nasty thing to do. My FB is just minimal on activity. Fair few pics though. Nothing much to see! I text her saying that was an extremely shallow thing to have done and blocked her back.
Oh well. Onwards and upwards.
Within 2 mins, I was deleted/blocked on both FB and WhatsApp. Felt so low about it. What a nasty thing to do. My FB is just minimal on activity. Fair few pics though. Nothing much to see! I text her saying that was an extremely shallow thing to have done and blocked her back.
Oh well. Onwards and upwards.