I've commented before about the toilets at work and how much I dislike them. I have even tried to rearrange my priorities so that I don't have to use them but unfortunately my daily grumblings appear to be dictated more by the time of day than what I eat and when I eat it. I would be the ideal person to have when lost at sea as my timing is accurate to within minutes most days. Navigating on a ship would be a doddle.
This leaves me with a regular time slot each day in my choice of cubicle. Stalls 2 and 3 have the least bogies wiped on the wall so I tend to choose one of those two. I avoid the toilet if the lid is down because this usually means there is a surprise lurking underneath. What makes people think that if they leave a baby's arm that won't flush away that putting the lid down makes it magically go away?
During my regular period I'm guessing that other people experience their own regular 24 hour bowel movement. I have been able to verify this with a few simple observations. The easiest is we tend to wear the same shoes nearly every day and because there is a gap under the bottom of the cubicle wall I often spot the same shoe on view to my left while I am busy popping a vein. This is easily foiled by someone wearing a different pair so it's not entirely accurate by itself but I can couple it with other observations such as a shuffling walk or a distinctive cough. Thus I have anonymous toilet users that are actually identifiable without me having to know who they actually are. I remember I first did this when I started my career. The same person would come in and use the cubicle next door practically every day of the week.
I'm obsessed with what comes out of my chute. It's a wonderful window into how you are functioning as an individual. It tells you if you're getting enough fibre, eating too much fat, what you had last night was disagreeable and in extreme cases of chilli or sweetcorn, what you ate as well. Fascinating. So imagine my glee when I get to analyse another individual and their efforts are particularly, how do we put this, characteristic?
This guy that used to come in during my first job. It was shiny black brogues, can't remember what colour socks but every day would be the same noises. It was a blast of air followed by some splattering, sounds of a hot viscous airated liquid being forced under pressure through an aperture and, frankly, signs of distress. I'm not joking when I say it was every day, this guy literally had to go through this trauma every day of the week. I wouldn't even want to speculate what he must have been eating but I think that sort of daily punishment would age me prematurely.
So that's the past, today I have different colleagues and the happenings behind the cubicle wall are very different too. We have a bloke with a noisy nose. This is definitely not the person who wipes the bogies on the wall because it's simply not possible to have nostrils that sound like they have a pair of biro lids shoved up them if the contents have been picked out and wiped on the inside of the cubicle. This person also either shuffles about a lot or they wear noisy clothes. Experimenting for myself I have come to the conclusion that it is the former and excessive shuffling and nose use while trying to lay a cable can mean only one thing: excess effort. Then there is the guy who sounds like a garden hose. I can only conclude he has a comedy oversize urethra because I haven't heard water transferred from one vessel to another like that since I emptied a water bowser with a 2" diameter pipe. I am humbled by his bladder capacity, it is most impressive.
The last person I wish to comment on here is the excessive toilet roll user. I only notice this person at the end of their session when the toilet roll dispenser starts to complain. Literally miles are reeled off, balled up and then the rubbing begins. Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, pause, reel, reel, reel, reel, reel, reel, pause, repeat. What kind of mess must this be making? I could never do this to myself!!!!! I don't even want to think about it.
Still, I guess there are mookie munchers out there so what would I know...
Thoughts?
This leaves me with a regular time slot each day in my choice of cubicle. Stalls 2 and 3 have the least bogies wiped on the wall so I tend to choose one of those two. I avoid the toilet if the lid is down because this usually means there is a surprise lurking underneath. What makes people think that if they leave a baby's arm that won't flush away that putting the lid down makes it magically go away?
During my regular period I'm guessing that other people experience their own regular 24 hour bowel movement. I have been able to verify this with a few simple observations. The easiest is we tend to wear the same shoes nearly every day and because there is a gap under the bottom of the cubicle wall I often spot the same shoe on view to my left while I am busy popping a vein. This is easily foiled by someone wearing a different pair so it's not entirely accurate by itself but I can couple it with other observations such as a shuffling walk or a distinctive cough. Thus I have anonymous toilet users that are actually identifiable without me having to know who they actually are. I remember I first did this when I started my career. The same person would come in and use the cubicle next door practically every day of the week.
I'm obsessed with what comes out of my chute. It's a wonderful window into how you are functioning as an individual. It tells you if you're getting enough fibre, eating too much fat, what you had last night was disagreeable and in extreme cases of chilli or sweetcorn, what you ate as well. Fascinating. So imagine my glee when I get to analyse another individual and their efforts are particularly, how do we put this, characteristic?
This guy that used to come in during my first job. It was shiny black brogues, can't remember what colour socks but every day would be the same noises. It was a blast of air followed by some splattering, sounds of a hot viscous airated liquid being forced under pressure through an aperture and, frankly, signs of distress. I'm not joking when I say it was every day, this guy literally had to go through this trauma every day of the week. I wouldn't even want to speculate what he must have been eating but I think that sort of daily punishment would age me prematurely.
So that's the past, today I have different colleagues and the happenings behind the cubicle wall are very different too. We have a bloke with a noisy nose. This is definitely not the person who wipes the bogies on the wall because it's simply not possible to have nostrils that sound like they have a pair of biro lids shoved up them if the contents have been picked out and wiped on the inside of the cubicle. This person also either shuffles about a lot or they wear noisy clothes. Experimenting for myself I have come to the conclusion that it is the former and excessive shuffling and nose use while trying to lay a cable can mean only one thing: excess effort. Then there is the guy who sounds like a garden hose. I can only conclude he has a comedy oversize urethra because I haven't heard water transferred from one vessel to another like that since I emptied a water bowser with a 2" diameter pipe. I am humbled by his bladder capacity, it is most impressive.
The last person I wish to comment on here is the excessive toilet roll user. I only notice this person at the end of their session when the toilet roll dispenser starts to complain. Literally miles are reeled off, balled up and then the rubbing begins. Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, pause, reel, reel, reel, reel, reel, reel, pause, repeat. What kind of mess must this be making? I could never do this to myself!!!!! I don't even want to think about it.
Still, I guess there are mookie munchers out there so what would I know...
Thoughts?
Where do you work?
