Wednesday Funny

Bloodknut

Bloodknut

Bloodknut

Associate
Joined
28 Mar 2007
Posts
184
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side - These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered
"1"ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair. The hair we'd like them to cut, they seldom do!!

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints Do Not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like the Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to - expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. NO! No, you really do have too many shoes.

1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.


Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight... But did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.
 
This kind of simple american excuse for humour should stay in the annoying chain emails that have been circulating since some retarded neanderthal thought up this joke so I can delete them easily before my eyes get infected with their moronicity.

PK!
 
i got emailed this one.

1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)


3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her you care.


5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.

6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because jewelry is for pussies and asian ladies.

7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words **** you and grab the other girls a-s. Girls love competition.

8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special.
then take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick".
women love those special nicknames.

10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

11. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be b-tching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?

14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the
following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell.
a bad smell. you know what i'm talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying.
Shell say no its just the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you **** baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. if youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. remember her birthday but don't get her something.
Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. when she gives you a present on your birthday, christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. girls actually don't like this one that much but i think it's funny.

26. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Now dont call.
 
misterPK said:
This kind of simple american excuse for humour should stay in the annoying chain emails that have been circulating since some retarded neanderthal thought up this joke so I can delete them easily before my eyes get infected with their moronicity.

PK!
Click to expand...

Have to agree. At least it did not claim to be a joke.
 
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heard them both before and as stated funny at the time- it didnt matter how many times i printed it out and gave it to the missus she still dint understand!
 
A Human Resources Manager was knocked down, tragically, by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her.
'Before you get settled in' he said, 'We have a little problem . . . you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you.'

'Oh, I see,' said the woman, 'Can't you just let me in?' 'Well, I'd like to,' said St Peter, 'But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity.'

'Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven', said the woman.

'Sorry, we have rules . . . ' at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends . . . past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St.Peter was waiting for her.

'Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,' he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing . . . which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.

At the day's end St. Peter returned.'So,' he said, 'You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven'. 'You must choose between the two.'

The woman thought for a second and replied, 'Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell'. 'I
choose hell.'

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

'I don't understand,' stuttered the HR Manager, 'Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, 'Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff.'
 
lol

Aero

EDIT: that *lol* what not in reference in any way to any of the jokes within this thread merely to squiffs comments.
 
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