Put yourself in my shoes....what would you do?

OK, although this is about my current medical status, I have got all the help I need medically, so please do not turn this into a medical thread.

I'm currently trying to work through a eating disorder which i have struggled with for the last 5 years. It's not anorexia, in fact, I'd love to be fat. Mine is caused by a fear of vomiting...this means that if I eat something I'm not happy with, get indigestion in the night or in public places, then I will have a panic attack which will then bring on Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

It's actually been pretty managable over the last 5 years, but since I started my new job a year ago, it's got very out of control. I found that I couldn't eat a meal in the canteen without getting major indigestion or IBS afterwards. This quickly spread to meals out with family and even to car journeys anywhere! I quickly became housebound apart from going to work.

Now factor in the second part of the equation....my other half. We've lived together for three years so he has seen me in both good and the bad.
My current condition however is pushing him away. He hates not being able to do anything with me. We haven't been to the cinema in months. We don't go out for meals for fear of an attack AND at christmas he had to go visit his family on his own as I wasn't stable enough to last the car journey to Huddersfield.

I have tried counselling and hypnotherapy, but neither had much effect so in December 2005 I went to my doctors to ask for his recommendation. He has perscribed a low dose of Anti-Axiety/Anti-Depression medication which i have to take daily. I started taking these as soon as I got them and although it was horrendous at first (due to them making anxiety worse before better) after 8 weeks on them I was doing really well and I'm slowly getting back on my feet.

The trouble is, I'm finding that I'm not able to do as much as I used to.
I can spend all day at home and I'll be fine (as long as I eat well, no junk).
But if I try to live a normal life, I'll be OK for awhile, then i'll quickly drop and end up having time off work again while I get myself back to normal again.

That's the position I find myself in now. I've been off work since last thursday, and although i feel fine, I'm in a constant state of anxiety. This is slowly subsiding as the days go on, but I'm not able to concentrate on work when I'm like this.

Now here's the dilema....and this is a serious consideration. We're having arguments at the moment because if I work, I'm not relaxed enough by the end of the week to spend any time with my other half. I'm worried that if i go out with my other half and push myself too far too soon, I'll have a attack and knobble myself for work. This means that we never do anything!
It's almost as if I can't do both work and a relationship at the same time.

So...I'm considering jacking it in and getting myself better...

The problem is, I love my job and I'm really good at it. I work in the IT Deparment of a Private School. It's a lot of work, but I enjoy it (when I'm feeling well), and the pay is good (£22k).
My other half works is a store manager for the major highstreet retailer, so he's on a fair bit (£32k).

We both live at my mother's house for £400 a month, so all we pay for is Food and any other treats. So money wouldn't be a problem if I was to jack it in (although it would mean our chances of buying a house would be on hold for awhile).

So.....what would you do in my shoes???

Carry on working and risk loosing the other half or making yourself worse?
OR
Jack it in, get yourself well and enjoy time with your other half?

Spike_UK said:

I'm currently trying to work through a eating disorder which i have struggled with for the last 5 years. It's not anorexia, in fact, I'd love to be fat. Mine is caused by a fear of vomiting...this means that if I eat something I'm not happy with, get indigestion in the night or in public places, then I will have a panic attack which will then bring on Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

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Your situation is so close to home for me right now its freaky !!


My girlfriend suffers from exactly the same problem !
I tell her to go to work and college as its more important than spending her spare time with me. If she looses her job and fails her college courses she would be in a terrible state and wont get the uni place she wants so baddly. Im always gonna be there for her when shes well enough to spend time with me.

Can you tell me the things that have helped you cope with this because I want to help her if I can


If I were you I would carry on working, if the other half wants to be with you it shouldnt matter to them to be honest.

Keep your loved one and let the job go, if your partner is on 32k pa and you live with your mam then you dont have anything to worry about. Im suprised that you do live with your mother considering your joint income is 55k pa which is a sizeable amount, if you dont go out and do anyhting you must have thousands saved up so surely you could live off that and your partners salary and look at sorting yourself out and then returning to work oart time or on a job share.

Boomstick said:

Can you tell me the things that have helped you cope with this because I want to help her if I can

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If I'm at home, the best thing I have to cope is a vast supply of entertaining programs to watch. Personally I find one or two episodes of Malcolm in the Middle and I'll be feeling fine again. Really it's anything that takes your mind off it.

While I'm out and about, there's a finger tapping technique that acts as a distraction that works very well. With your thumb you tap the end of each finger on that hand...then you try and skip a finger and speed up. It's tricky and works quite well as a distraction.

Without delving into the medical, I have found the anti-depressants from the doctors have helped me cope a lot better. When I do get an attack it passaes much quicker on these meds than it ever did without.

There are also two message boards I read and post on now and again which help for support.

One is for panic attacks - http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/
And one for Emetophobia (fear of vomit) - http://www.emetophobia.org/

Hope these help!

schnipps said:

Keep your loved one and let the job go, if your partner is on 32k pa and you live with your mam then you dont have anything to worry about. Im suprised that you do live with your mother considering your joint income is 55k pa which is a sizeable amount, if you dont go out and do anyhting you must have thousands saved up so surely you could live off that and your partners salary and look at sorting yourself out and then returning to work oart time or on a job share.

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That's exactly my current thought pattern at the moment. Thing is, I don't want to put too much pressure on my other half. I'd like to find some way of making money at home without putting too much pressure on myself.

I'd charge for web design, but that seems a bit of a swamped market now (I do the web design for a mates underground site, 250k hits per day -

The hardest part about all this is that my job is the first one I've had where I enjoy going to work. I actually feel good at it, but for other reason I'm unable to work. Really annoying!!

Work know exactly what's going on and have been very supportive, but how much longer can this continue?

dont expect a magic pill that will cure you overnight, getting well takes time and you are doing very well imo , my advice would be to carry on the way you are and try to weather the bad times,post again in a few months or write down and compare to how you felt when posting here.

I would also say get rid of the job and look after yourself. At the end of the day this really needs to be sorted out, no matter how much time it takes. Oviously I don't know the condition well enough but I would think relaxing and letting your body try to overcome this would be the best bet.

Maybe when you start to feel a little more active do something part time, work your way back up slowly doing baby steps and see how much you can do?

I wish you all the best and hop things work out!

Ukadder said:

I would also say get rid of the job and look after yourself. At the end of the day this really needs to be sorted out, no matter how much time it takes. Oviously I don't know the condition well enough but I would think relaxing and letting your body try to overcome this would be the best bet.

Maybe when you start to feel a little more active do something part time, work your way back up slowly doing baby steps and see how much you can do?

I wish you all the best and hop things work out!

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This kind of goes in line with another option I had.....I'd ask work to see if they would let me work half days for awhile.

I don't want to lose this job as it's got great prospects, but I can't continue as it is

Sounds like another sensiable solution, would working from home be an option sometimes? I know it would be terrible to loose a good foothold in a job you enjoy and know it could lead somewhere, but it would be worse to loose your health to a worse state.

I say put work on hold...theres no point in you sufferring and slowly loosing your other half. Finding some1 who you want to be with and they feel the same way is quite hard these days. So I say concentrate on getting yourself better and being with your other half!!! You can always go back to your job, and they would probably prefer you in better health anyway, and you will probably enjoy goin to work even more than you allready do.

I hope you get better soon

To put it bluntly - if you don't look after yourself you won't have anything else to worry about soon.

If health+bf+job is too much to cope with right now then cut out, or cut down on, one of them. Talk it over with him and see if he's got any suggestions. If part-time or working from home is an option then that's worth checking out as your first step I'd say.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Looks like I'll be having a word with my other half tonight.

As mentioned, I think the best option to try first, before jumping in with two feet, will be to see if I can work half days for awhile and see how I get on. I haven't done a full week since before christmas, which can't continue.

Treefrog has it right.

Take care of #1 first and foremost. If you left your job today, how many of your coworkers would actually remember your last name in 6 months? Conversely, if you worked yourself to an early grave, how badly would that affect your other half, your family, etc.? And even if you didn't kill yourself working but only made yourself physically worse, how much of a burden/heartache would you be on the previously mentioned people?

And from a rather selfish view point, how much are you really enjoying life not being able to go to the cinema, go for a nice drive, go visit his parents for the holidays, etc? Yes, work is good, work can be satisfying. But only if you are fit enough to do the work. It's GOT to be frustrating to you having to take time off and leave your work to someone else on a moments' notice. Why not leave it to someone who wants a temporary full time job, get yourself healthy, then go back to it when you're up to it?

And if you're questioning the financial end, 32K quid is twice what my wife and I are making COMBINED, and we own our house outright, no mortgage. So, IMHO, your income is just gravy money that is NOT required to support the both of you. Besides, if you keep going and get worse to the point you CAN'T work, you're going to be out the money ANYWAYS!!

Ditch the job, get better, live LIFE, not just existing until the next time it comes crashing down.




Besides, you know how men are : the macho, chest hair thumping, grunting and scratching side of him will be thinking, "I support my other half, I be man. I provider for my family." Men need this. Honest.

Its pretty common I reckon. Check out...

http://www.helpforibs.com/ - in particular the forums and mailing list.

I can get bad IBS but I find its much better when I avoid all dairy products, yeasty stuff like beer/lager and all spicy savory foods, and basically look after myself by getting lots of regular sleep and exercise. However if I don't thats when the problem arises. Of course like a fool I don't stick to my own rules and suffer accordingly. Stress obviously is a factor and thats a harder thing to avoid. But half the stress is created by IBS. So avoid IBS and I find my stress is greatly reduced.

Oh and the points re: stress and job/lifestyle are well made. I agree 100% with them. I quite a job that was putting my stress levels through the roof (mainly because of a idiot of a manager) and while it took a couple of years to find something better I did, and it was a great move in hindsight.