One liners

[something daft already!!]

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I don't want to interrupt her.

I haven't slept for three days because three days is far too long to sleep.

The first time I got myself a universal remote I thought "this changes everything".

Say what you want about deaf people...

I have spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer but no-one will do it.

I saw a sign which read "Watch for children" and I thought, "that's a fair swap".

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, it was only gathering dust.

I was at a cash point and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

[something daft already!!]

Hedgehogs, why not just share the hedge?

I'm on an Alcohol diet. I have lost three days already.

I have kleptomania, when it gets bad, I take something for it.

 

[something daft already!!]

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

 

[something daft already!!]

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

Do you know why Boxers don't have sex before a fight? They don't fancy each other.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

 

[something daft already!!]

Why should I trust a bank with my money if they cant trust me with their pens?

 

[something daft already!!]

No, that would be:

"Why doesn't Jeremy Beadle play poker?"
"Because he always has a rubbish hand"