Frontpage headlines you would love to see

SHOCK AS SCIENTISTS DISCOVER CURE FOR ALL DISEASES (ALSO A NEW PLANET HAS BEEN DISCOVERED WHICH WILL SUPPORT THE INCREASING POPULATION (ALSO WE CAN NOW TRAVEL IN SPACE))
 
"Cancer/AIDs/HIV cure developed by English non-profit pharmaceutical company"

"USA fined £92bn for illegal creation, promotion and misuse of "American English" language"

"M25 widened to 8 lanes overnight using new temporal-construction methods."

"Scientists were wrong - Ozone layer hole is actually closing due to car emissions - tax rebate due to all road users. "

"Capital/Corporal punishment reinstated"
 
"All but one political parties wiped out at world peace summit Leader of the Told you I'd make it party $qu!ff takes on role as Supreme Overlord and General Dictator of the world!"
 
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