Tuesday Funny

kai

kai

Soldato
Joined
15 Oct 2007
Posts
3,247
Location
Wales.
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge
bath.One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband
and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a
little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up
his pants, and said, "I think she choked."
 
If you think that was bad try this:

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first Italian nun says (thick Italian accent, con brio), "I vant-a to be-a Sophia Loren-a" and (poof!) she's gone.

The second says, "I vant-a to be-a Madonna" and (poof!) she's gone.

The third says, "I vant-a to be-a Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'! "
 
*makes tread worse*

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's Only $1,500! Can I buy it?"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it if you like."
"Thanks Sweetie. I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else... It might sound like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover the down payment."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!"
"Bye. I love you too."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and calls out:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


InvG
 
along the same lines of simulatorman's joke

3 nuns die in a car crash 2 fledgling nuns and their mother superior
Anyhoo they get to the pearly gates and saint peter is waiting for them he says.
"Before I allow you access to heaven I must first ask you each a question"
The first fledgling nun steps forward ans says "Ask me your question"
He asks "Who was the first woman alive?"
"Eve" she states and he lets her into heaven.
He asks the second fledling nun"Who was the first man alive?"
"Adam" she says and is allowed into heaven also.
"Right because your the mother superior I have to ask you a much harder question."
"Thats fine ask away." the 3rd nun says
"What were the first words eve said to adam?" He asks
The mother superior thinks about it.
"ooo...erm...Thats a hard one" she says
"Right! go on in" Says st. Peter

:p
 
Guy coes out the pub and heads home, passing a local co-op he see's a sign saying Olympic condoms where £3 now £1 a packet. He checks his pocket and finds a £1 coin and goes to buy some.

Asking why they are on sale the salesman tells him they are on offer as they bought too many. Fair enough, he buys a packet and heads home.

Getting back his wife is waiting for him in the bedroom so he gets ready, opening the packet he grins as he see's a gold a silver and a bronze condom... taking out the gold one he asks his wife what she thinks.

Well hubby, id rather you wear the silver one...

Ok wife, but why silver, didnt know you liked silver that much,

I dont hubby, but it would make a change if you came 2nd!

*Planet Rock joke* but i laughed.

ColiN
 
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