FRIDAY JOKE THREAD

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (isn't he ready for the world of dating?)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED ?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to
clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8(I like this kid)

And the #1 Favorite is ...

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10 (He'll be married forever)
 
A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man "Was I all over the road?"

"No" replies the policeman,"You were driving splendidly, it was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
 
A man sees a kid carrying a roll of chicken wire.
He asks, "Kid, what are you doing with that chicken wire?"
The kid replies, "I'm gonna catch some chickens."
The man says, "You aren't going to catch chickens with chicken wire."
Later, the kid returns with 5 chickens caught in chicken wire.
The next day, the man sees the kid with a roll of duct tape.
He asks, "Kid, what are you doing with that duct tape?"
The kid replies, "I'm gonna catch some ducks."
The man says, "You aren't gonna catch ducks with duct tape."
Later, the kid returns with 5 ducks caught in duct tape.
The next day, the man sees the kid with a bundle of pussy willows.
He says, "Wait a minute kid, I'll get my hat."
 
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
 
platypus said:
A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man "Was I all over the road?"

"No" replies the policeman,"You were driving splendidly, it was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
Click to expand...

I chortled, good day sir.:D
 
Obviously you need me to help sort this thread out, so here goes;


A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the postman was lying dead on their porch.
 
platypus said:
A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man "Was I all over the road?"

"No" replies the policeman,"You were driving splendidly, it was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
Click to expand...

Haha, that's brilliant :D
 
Three tampons were walking together down this street, guess which one said hello?






















None, they were all stuck up *****

Fully star any swearing
 
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"
 
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