FRIDAY JOKE THREAD

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
 
icey_haj said:
Obviously you need me to help sort this thread out, so here goes;


A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the postman was lying dead on their porch.
Click to expand...

Can someone explain this? I don't understand :p
 
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my X-box.
 
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.



It turns out they get really annoyed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.






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I was walking down the bread aisle in the supermarket yesterday and something reminded me of you, I looked closer and realised it said "thick cut".
 
Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the policeman behind him pulled him over.

The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest speeding ticket this world has ever seen?"

"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a policeman."

"Yes, and?!" the policeman screamed.

"I thought you were trying to bring her back."
 
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