FRIDAY JOKE THREAD

"Ed and his friend Bob are out hunting in the woods behind his house. Bob says 'Hey, Ed, I can see into your bedroom window through my scope! Your wife is in there, and she's cheating on you, man!'

Ed, shocked, says to his friend, 'WHAT? Tell you what, you put one bullet in her head, and one bullet in that other guy's arse!'

Bob looks through the scope again and says "Hey Ed, I could do that with one shot!' "
 
There are three cowhands sitting around the fire, sipping whiskey and telling tales. Of course the stories turn around to who is the baddest of the bad.

Cowboy #1 stands up, sloshing his drink as he exclaims... "I wrangled the biggest, meanest bull with just one hand, leaving him trussed like a calf." He sit back down.

Cowboy #2 stands up, gesturing widely as he says... "I was jumped by 10 bandidos and, without a pistol of my own, I sent most of them them running back to the badlands, two to the morgue."

They both look at Cowboy #3 and shudder as they see him calmly stirring the coals of the fire with his penis.
 
2 vampire bats hanging in a cave, they haven't eaten for days but can't find a single soul to sink their teeth into...

Les: "I know there's no one out there but i'm gonna go have a peek anyhoo..."

Dennis: *nods*

So he drops down and swoops out of the cave, only to return 2 hours later looking knackered and frustrated.

Dennis realising Les's trip was fruitless drops down himself and swoops out to see if he has better luck...

he returns 2 minutes later with blood ALL round his mouth, he flies up to the roof of the cave and hooks on next to his buddy, but says nothing...

Les: *excited* "what did you find where did you go?"

Dennis: *silent*

Les: *nudging Dennis with his wing* "come on come on where did you go?"

Dennis: *sighs* "you see that castle over there"

Les: *really excited and staring where Dennis is pointing* "yeah yeah"

Dennis: "well you see that big tree in front of it?"

Les: "yeah yeah"

Dennis: "i didn't"

:D
 
you hear about the dyslexic pimp? bought himself a warehouse.

or maybe the dyslexic devil worshiper? sold his soul to santa.
 
And they just keep on coming :p

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry.. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.



My wife won twice last week.'
 
I was in Tesco and I saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes.
I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious.
The police arrived and arrested me.
Apparently they use actors on the show.
 
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