greiving for my dad

GJ02

GJ02

GJ02

Soldato
Joined
30 Nov 2007
Posts
6,419
Location
.
i wonder if anyone can offer me any advise on this please
in december my dad lost his fight with cancer and passed away, it was a very very sad time for all my family as my dad was in may peoples words " a true gentleman ".
he had gone thru major surgery in 06 had cimo and been zapped with radiotherapy and it that point after all that he was given the all clear.
he would never be able to speak properly or eat again tho as his surgery left him unable to swallow, so he has a peg ( bit like a pipe ) fitted into is stomach so he could inject a special food to feed himself.
then in april last year it started again, he complained of pains in his throat and accross is sholders, the specialist confirmed in july that there wa nothig else they could do as a tumor had re appeared behind his glands in his neck and it was untreatable. they gave him 2 - 6 months.
from that point on in july when we were told this, my dad battled on and we all had very specail times with him and it wasnt until december that he deteriated dramaticaly.
thing is, ive not been upset as in crying, sure im sad, im gutted i love my dad more than anything but i cant seem to get emotional, my mum and bro and my wife have all been very upset, but i cant seem to get upset. i did break down a couple of hours before he died when i was taking to him ( in a coma ) but that was the only time. i have also cried time to time since july with him when he was telling me how much he loves us all and how i must tell hayden ( my boy ) all about him.
is it normal to feel this way ?
ive spoken to a few people and each have said different things, so i thought id ask on a grand scale in here and take onboard your advise.
i always think about him, i remember the specail times we had with him in december helping him when he was so weak, and tho that time was so very very sad to see him like that, it was that time that i felt like a proper son helping him.
i love you dad !
 
Last edited:
There's nothing really anyone can say, you just have to get on with life and grieve in your own way.

Try to remember everything that was good about his life, what he did for other people and how he made you feel rather then the obvious fact that you miss him.
 
You feel sad, you've cried a little. I'd say you're perfectly normal. Some people just don't cry (I'm one of them).
Sorry to hear about your old man :(
 
When I lost my granddad I couldn't feel it until the funeral. As cliche as it sounds, I was just kind of numb.
There is no "right" way to grieve, just feel what you feel and don't feel guilty that you aren't crying as much as others, it doesn't mean anything.
 
It is perfectly normal to feel this way. The grieving process is a long and complex one; there is no need to feel bad if you find that you're not responding in the way that you expected. There is no "official" way to respond; everyone's different.

My father died when I was 16 years old (suicide) and I only cried for him once. This is no reflection on our relationship, or my feelings for him.
 
Sorry for your loss Dude :(
We all handle things differently & as long as you are coping & supporting your family you are doing well.
The only worthy advice I can give is Time is the only healer, Just give it time & look after Yourself & your family :)
 
Don't pressure yourself in to feeling anything. Everyone responds to stimuli in different ways. The fact that you're not 'letting it out' -- although not necessarily healthy -- means that it is or will probably come out in other ways. I'm similar to you in this regard moselypup, as I don't seem to ever let my emotion out.

You think about him a lot and you're inviting discussion; I think you are dealing with it, albeit in your own unique way.
 
Some people choose to celebrate the existence of lived ones instead of mourn their death. Seems like a fair thing to do because you're kept positive by the impact of that person.

Not lost anyone I know personally so cannot say from experience if this method works well or not but logically and from what people have said in the past it's an ideal way!
 
we all handle grief in different ways, there is certainly no right and wrong.

Sorry for your loss, but its nice that you got to spend some special times with him before he left.
 
I am truly sorry to hear of your loss, this is something that will affect all of us from time to time during our lives.

What you have to remember is there is no rulebook about how to go about grieving - you must do as you feel.

You may not be feeling much at the moment - maybe a little numb and maybe a little sad? But you don't have to cry if you don't feel like it - everyone is different.

When I have lost people I have concentrated on being strong and supportive for my family when in public but have had a bit of a weep in private when alone - this is just me and how I deal with things.

Everyone is different, deal with it how you feel you want to and don't be pressured into dealing with it in any other way by how you think people expect you to react.

Again, very sorry for your loss.
 
i did feel numb and the 2 weeks from his death to the funeral were like a blur.
sometimes ( mostly when im driving to the chineese lol ) i find myself shouting him, why ? god knows.
one thing tho, i find myself trying to be like my dad, in ways like helping people more, thinking about things logically and doing things properly like he would have.
 
mosleypup said:
i did feel numb and the 2 weeks from his death to the funeral were like a blur.
sometimes ( mostly when im driving to the chineese lol ) i find myself shouting him, why ? god knows.
one thing tho, i find myself trying to be like my dad, in ways like helping people more, thinking about things logically and doing things properly like he would have.
Click to expand...

Its a nice tribute to your dad that you want to be like him in many ways, but don't lose yourself in doing so. You are your own person and he wouldn't want you to change who you are because of him.
 
I was similar after the death of my nan. I think its how we remember them that matters most. I look at her picture with my 3 kids and often wonder what worldly advice she could offer at times of strife, funnily enough I always seem to know what she would say and it gives me a great sense of ease and strength.

we all grieve differently, aslong as we remember the good things about someone and try and make them proud in all we do and achieve after their passing then i am sure they will be looking down on us with a smile :)
 
This could just be your way of dealing with things, and it isn't necessarily a bad thing at all. Or it could just be that you're not truly grieving.. It may just hit you one day.
 
It's how I reacted when my mother died. I cried when I heard it, felt like crap for a while and then that was it, I just can't help the way my brain works.

Also, it could hit you years later...we are strange beings.
 
I think you began your grieving back in July when you were told the news. We all grieve differently. When you know someone is no longer in pain it does make the grieving process easier. I really hope you feel better soon and able to remember the good times.
My condolences to you and your family.
 
When my nan died I don't think I cried ... I can't remember anyway. I remember feeling more relieved for her, and my dad.

She had alzheimer's so for as long as I can remember she couldn't! She couldn't remember who I was most of the time, or who she was, or anything near the end.

I think I had said good bye to her long before she died. Amazing thing was she didn't die from anything, she was just old (94). The doctor said that is very rare, normally people die of something.

Really sorry to hear about your lost. Don't feel bad for not crying ... would he want you to?

x
 
Moley said:
Its a nice tribute to your dad that you want to be like him in many ways, but don't lose yourself in doing so. You are your own person and he wouldn't want you to change who you are because of him.
Click to expand...

Nothing to add to this, just wanted to reiterate it for being spot on.
 
Moley said:
Its a nice tribute to your dad that you want to be like him in many ways, but don't lose yourself in doing so. You are your own person and he wouldn't want you to change who you are because of him.
Click to expand...

dude bang on ....



hed want you to continue with your life and keep on his memories in you :) your not letting go just continuing on :)
 
thankyou all very much for your comments.
i was speaking to my fatherinlaw who was my dad good fishing buddy, and he told me he was the same when his mum died, until one a couple of months later he was driving and a song came on the radio, he said he had to pull over and was uncontrolable for about half an hour.
i agree we are all different and deal with it in many different ways.
i have thought about if for a while now, i like to think that my dad is somewhere keeping me strong for my mum and bro.
anyways thanks a lot its very much appreciated
and as my dad would always say

keep smiling ! :D
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom