Anyone been divorced with kids ?

I've been through this with my first wife. You kind of wonder why you are being asked for the extra money so you have to sit down and have a think. How expensive are kids - actually very expensive - far more than the allocated amount usually stipulates. Then you have to think how the money is being spent.

At the end of the day you are wasting your time asking us. Only you:

Know how much you money you have.
Know how much money you give.
Know how much you want to provide for your kids.
Whether you are happy for her to cut corners.
Want to pay the expensive extras to give them something extra.
Know that money is going to be spent appropriately.
How old the kids are and the number of them - which would effectively kill a career at certain ages well that is unless you want your kids dropped off at childcare at 0730 and collect at 1900 every day.

For what it is worth I paid allocated amount then I took them to buy clothes when I had them, I paid for trips out when I had them etc. That way I paid for the stuff directly they were our kids so we should both have had a choice in such things. But I wanted to be hands on. IMO you should be paying this stuff if you can afford it although that does not mean you should be handing the money over for it.
 
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Do what is right for the children is an easy answer to say to the OP but the chances are he is being fleeced by his ex. If he pays more how does he know its going to even be used on the kids?

If the ex is that desperate for money and I was legally paying what I had to pay I would want to see exactly in statements where all her money was going.

I certainly would not see the kids go without if I could help it but anything they needed I would buy myself for them just to make sure anything I spent was going on the kids and not in the ex's pocket.
 
I pay maintenance for my son with my ex, i also contribute towards his clothes etc, you are only spiting your kids, not your ex!
 
Shes not asking for more money for your kids, shes asking it for herself to spend on herself, women are evil and will fleece you at every point.
 
wez130 said:
I pay maintenance for my son with my ex, i also contribute towards his clothes etc, you are only spiting your kids, not your ex!
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how is he spiting anyone? hes paying £400 /month

I doubt his "ex" is matching anywhere near that with her "half" + child benefits + child tax credits

and shes asking for more....

How much can she really be spending on these kids ?
 
My first wife gets paid what we agreed in court for my son and not a penny more under any circumstances.
She has a certain amount of time she can live in the house for before it has to be sold and I let her keep the car.

Divorce is divorce, she needs to live within her means, if she's got the kids, well, she's got to make the money stretch.

They have to understand that its not a case of a break up and everything stays the same just you are not there.
 
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It depends if you think she is just wasting the money or not. I say tell her you will pay half of everything if you can cut the maintenance on the head
 
Spit said:
I have 2 step daughters and their dad pays half of all major purchases such as trips, opticians, dentist etc.

Normal expenses such as clothes, food, travel etc are paid from the maintenance.
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Pretty much this. Exceptional, special circumstances or 'one off' payments should be split equally. Everything else. Clothes, food, school uniform etc comes out of the maintenance.
 
Just pay the maintenance and stuff them, cut off all ties, burn all old photo's. Dust off your salmon shirt from 1998 and go out clubbing, find a new wife... have kids and forget all about old "family".

IT's your money right?
 
Not divorced but I used to get this all the time with my ex. Despite paying her £450 a month for 1 child via the CSA. She would still regularly ask me for additional money for school trips, clothes and various other things. She also had a habit of sending my son over on the weekends with hardly any clothes, or clothes that were getting to small for him. She'd do this on the basis that she knew I'd go shopping and buy him new clothes.

My advice to you:

Make it clear from the offset that the £400 you give her is all she is getting and tell her in no uncertain terms that if its not enough maybe she should think about using some of her own money/the benefits she now gets.

Have a set of clothes for your kids at your place which they don't go back to your ex's in.

Your ex doesn't need more money she's just trying to get you to pay more so she can pay less.
 
For those saying think of the children first, he is. If you have given an ex wife a house, and a montly amount that covers all the childrens needs, if she decides to be a raving ***** about it and spend that money on whatever she likes and ask for more, you arent' doing your kids any favours by giving them more.

THink of it like this, your kids are being brought up by this woman, lets assume she has more than enough to live off, has more than enough to pay for everything required but she actively choosen to put herself first, her kids second and guilt trip the other parent into paying even more. What example is that woman setting for your kids, what life lessons is she teaching them, that taking advantage of others is worth while, that paying your own way means nothing, that doing whatever you want is best? These are things that, if I had kids, I wouldn't want them being taught.

Factor in the other side, a dad that lets himself get manipulated over his kids by his ex, a poorer dad, a dad who then can't afford to take his kids on holiday, who can't afford to spend time with his kids as he picks up extra work instead, a dad who lets his wife come up with excuses why the kids can't see him that weekend, etc, etc.

Yes I'm assuming she has enough, because from the situation it sounds like it, owned house, some level of work, and a decent amount of money from her ex + child benefits and the like, that is a lot more than a LOT of people have.

At this point it sounds like she's financially better off than him, but its him being asked to make more sacrifices rather than her, which is very often that attitude we get in the UK. Get divorced, the wife gets everything and the man is guilted into making every sacrifice first.

Kids are stupidly important, but caving in and letting your wife get away with murder is NOT good for kids, one parent essentially extorting the other and one being worked to the bone with nothing to show for it because they get guilted into being treated badly themselves, neither are good examples of parents for their kids to learn from.

There are fathers who don't give enough support and all but abandon their kids and mothers who do their best only to get their fair share, loads of them, but this situation doesn't particularly sound like that.

The automatic "but its your kids" type responses only reinforce this idea that a father should become basically subservient to the ex wife as the norm is simply wrong.

There are plenty of examples of good/bad mothers/fathers in these situations and who is in the right is often difficult to decide.

ULtimately as a parent if you think you're being screwed, ask to see all the bills for the past couple months, work out whats gone on the kids and how much you've paid towards it, if you pay £400 a month and she's paying £200 a month on clothes and food and other bits and bobs, and is frittering away £200 more on expensive make up, tell her to go jump, if she's quite clearly spending £600 a month on the kids, and is struggling to make ends meet, help out a bit, etc, etc.
 
The main issue (which your ex might not yet understand or be happy with if she does) is that money now has to stretch further for both of you.

Predivorce you guys had a fixed income which had to cover one set of house hold bills. Since the divorce you guys still have the same fixed income yet it is now expected to cover two sets of house hold bills. So ultimately you both have less money.

It's not just your responsibility to adjust to the financial change, she must also.
 
OK so the way i'm going to play this is that i'll contribute half towards large items such as school trips. I'm getting all school letters sent to me as well, so i know what half is. Probably i could pay the cheque direct to the school.

I'll also buy some clothes so they have some to wear at my house when they come over, and i don't really care if they stay at mine, i'm contributing to a pool of clothes not really bothered about the individual items. It'll be proportional to the time they spend with me.

What i am very wary of, which some people have touched on, is that she's already told me she plans to take them on 2 holidays next year, one in the UK and one away. If she gets any more money from me, i won't be able to afford to take them away myself. So the net result is that i'll be paying to have her take them, rather than take them myself, so they spend less time with their father. There are other examples like this, she's already had a huff because the Wii i'm buying one of them for Christmas is staying at mine. I don't even like the things, she does. Read into that what you will....

And to the kind thoughts of the people accusing me of being a delinquent father, probably you are vicariously projecting your own experiences onto me. I invite you to work through these important issues with your own therapist, not on an internet forum :)
 
The money situation,it goes on what you earn and not what she thinks she is going to need.

I pay just over a £100 a month for my daughter based on my earning's,we didnt go through the csa but i just signed a csa form to say the amount i was paying a month.

I buy my daughter clothes and she keep's them,i take her out once a week for a meal and sometimes take the ex as well,we do have a very very good relationship and often stay round there on occasions and buy them dinner.

Make sure you dont over pay your ex,she will try to fleece you so her life can be comfortable and make your life hell.

The holiday abroad,im quite sure she has to get consent from you to take the children out of the country but that is something you can look into.
 
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