Well.. she left.

HangTime said:
As for the question of why this woman even mentioned the bloke at work, it is a bit baffling. Could potentially have been a 'cry for help' i.e. sensing something wasn't quite right in the relationship and trying to stir things up to provoke a reaction from the OP. I've heard of this sort of thing before where people in longer term relationships start to feel a bit taken for granted and want to try and evoke some passion from their partner (fighting to keep them), even if it seems slightly counter-intuitive to admit to a wandering eye.
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Is it only me that doesn't see anything wrong with saying somebody else is attractive to your partner? Would saying somebody is ugly be a problem.... probably not then why the flip side? I don't get it, i've never taken issue with it before. We don't even know the context in how it was said for christs sake!

PS hangtime not singling you out here buddy just wanted to address this as a whole as it appears to be this that everyone is jumping on but it appears to provide no evidence of anything at all.
 
Castiel said:
I haven't assumed anything other than he has at some point been in a situation that has hurt him, he may be still hurting, as I said I expect that is biasing his opinion. I did not say it was set in stone, or that he will always feel that way...they are assumptions you have made. I don't recall jumping down his throat as you so eloquently put it either....pointing out that he is possibly in a similar circumstance to that which many of us have also been in and that is negatively influencing his opinion is hardly cruising the moral high ground either not does it make every woman a misandrist either.
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Go back and read the succession of replies again. I wasn't accusing you of anything directly, yours just happened to be quoted. It came very much as if you were all jumping on the bandwagon if the intent was there or not.

And you're missing the point about the moral high ground.

Anyway I can't be bothering with this. I can already see where this thread is going. I'm out.
 
skippy2421 said:
Is it only me that doesn't see anything wrong with saying somebody else is attractive to your partner?
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No not necessarily under 'normal' circumstances but the fact is that:
1) The OP felt it was important enough to mention
2) It happened in very close proximity to his fiancee walking out on him.

So in summation, my wife tells me she finds someone attractive, everything else is fine - no problem. My wife tells me she finds someone attractive, then a few weeks later breaks up with me - the cogs start turning.
I agree, we don't know the full context of how it was said but it still seems a bit of a weird thing to say in conjunction with everything else and it obviously had a profound impact on the OP.
I think it potentially has some significance, just not in the "she's definitely been up to something" way that a lot of others seem to think.
 
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skippy2421 said:
Is it only me that doesn't see anything wrong with saying somebody else is attractive to your partner?
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I think it comes down to the type of relationship you're in and what the circumstances are.

In this case, would I say to a partner that theres a girl at work (who presumably she doesn't know) thats quite attractive? Hell No.

If perhaps she asked my opinion on one of her friends in conversation who just happens to be an absolute stunner.. you obviously can't say shes ugly because she knows shes not, but I certainly wouldn't say 'she's attractive'. Need to play that down with a 'I can see why some blokes like her' card.

Think the only case I would say directly 'shes attractive' would be in a case where I did not know or will ever know the person. A movie with Mila Kunis in for example.
 
HangTime said:
No not necessarily under 'normal' circumstances but the fact is that:
1) The OP felt it was important enough to mention
2) It happened in very close proximity to his fiancee walking out on him.

So in summation, my wife tells me she finds someone attractive, everything else is fine - no problem. My wife tells me she finds someone attractive, then a few weeks later breaks up with me - the cogs start turning.
I agree, we don't know the full context of how it was said but it still seems a bit of a weird thing to say in conjunction with everything else and it obviously had a profound impact on the OP.
I think it potentially has some significance, just not in the "she's definitely been up to something" way that a lot of others seem to think.
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Fair one, I've just not attached a lot of weight to it as it becomes very easy to look for little reasons and put importance on stuff of irrelevance when you've just split up in search of reasons. Though this may be just me as I was in that sort of place about 4 months ago so maybe that's my bias but I'm glad you agree it's definitely no dead cert she's cheating.

ChocolateStarfishRammer said:
I think it comes down to the type of relationship you're in and what the circumstances are.

In this case, would I say to a partner that theres a girl at work (who presumably she doesn't know) thats quite attractive? Hell No.

If perhaps she asked my opinion on one of her friends in conversation who just happens to be an absolute stunner.. you obviously can't say shes ugly because she knows shes not, but I certainly wouldn't say 'she's attractive'. Need to play that down with a 'I can see why some blokes like her' card.

Think the only case I would say directly 'shes attractive' would be in a case where I did not know or will ever know the person. A movie with Mila Kunis in for example.
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See I see nothing wrong with the case you've said hell no to. If my partner reacted to any of that I'd consider her rather insecure (providing i didnt word it some stupid provocative way) . I'd have no issue saying to a long term partner for example "yeah new girl started at work today, bit ditzy, quite attractive bit shy though" I feel all im doing is describing her.
 
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That's just it though, a lot of people are insecure especially if they've had bad experiences in the past. Regardless of whether one person would take issue with it, they need to be aware of how it might make the other person feel.

Whenever I describe colleagues to my wife (and there will always need to be some reason for it coming up, not just commenting on the latest totty) it is fairly placid stuff like personality, where they live, approximate age, height/hair colour but never really physical attractiveness.

As an aside, for me it makes a bit of a difference whether this sort of thing is discussed collectively i.e. in our circle of friends there used to be this guy who the girls would refer to as "Sexy Steve" (there were two 'Steves'). Everyone was totally fine with that. But if my wife, on her own talked about a colleague being attractive to her but not in the context of all the girls fancying him, that would make it a bit more personal and hence concerning?
 
HangTime said:
That's just it though, a lot of people are insecure especially if they've had bad experiences in the past. Regardless of whether one person would take issue with it, they need to be aware of how it might make the other person feel.

Whenever I describe colleagues to my wife (and there will always need to be some reason for it coming up, not just commenting on the latest totty) it is fairly placid stuff like personality, where they live, approximate age, height/hair colour but never really physical attractiveness.

As an aside, for me it makes a bit of a difference whether this sort of thing is discussed collectively i.e. in our circle of friends there used to be this guy who the girls would refer to as "Sexy Steve" (there were two 'Steves'). Everyone was totally fine with that. But if my wife, on her own talked about a colleague being attractive to her but not in the context of all the girls fancying him, that would make it a bit more personal and hence concerning?
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You are right in that you need to consider the person you're saying this too and I speak coming from a relationship where we trusted eachother completely with no insecurity (we broke for other reasons before anyone asks) so perhaps explains my opinion. However say I was aware that my gf was a tad insecure I may hold back and make an effort to try and ease that insecurity but a blanket statement of not saying someone is attractive I don't agree with. Merely use it appropriately to your situation which goes for a lot of things not just saying if someone's attractive which is why i don't understand the focus on it. For example if your misses was massively insecure you'd do quite a lot different.

I think we just have slightly different thresholds for where our concern would be raised then. For example in scenario earlier that sort of wording wouldn't bother me as the word attractive is used almost just as descriptor with nothing else attached to it but if elaborated on I may raise an eyebrow. However if it was something like "yeah new guy's started in the office, he's quite attractive, really smart and clearly works out" then hmmmm but even then I'm not sure I would worry as such if i trusted her completely like I did the last one. If he cropped up a few times in discussion like that then alarm bells would go perhaps. This probably is boiling down to individual differences in relationships and the partner's (in)security (or your consideration of it based on experience) now but thanks for the sensible discussion anyway. It was refreshing to say the least. :)
 
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Holy Thread revival!!

UPDATE - Well shock horror, here I am with my tail between my legs. It happened again. Shes still unsure so i've had enough. That's it were done, totally.

She's now moved out for good. Keeping this amicable for the sake of dividing stuff up, mortgage payments etc but that's it.

Well done Magnolia and others, you should be bookies!!

TLDR: you told me so.
 
Sadly predictable, but speaking from experience, we've all been in your position and done it. You never know unless you give it a go.

Chin up chap and on to the next. You seem to have the right attitude to it. :)
 
I didn't chip in the first time around as I didn't feel I had anything to add to what had already been said. I've been in this sort of situation twice (although the relationships weren't anywhere near as long as the OP) and it seems to be something women like to do. You think something is amiss and then they announce that the relationship isn't perfect or going the way they want so it's the end/time for a break. Shortly after they are begging you to take them back because they've made a terrible mistake and realise what a great guy you are. Then within weeks you can tell that it really is all over. I've been with my current partner for a long time now but I won't be playing that game again!

Try to keep positive and get on with your life.
 
Men do it as well I'm afraid. You lot aren't saints in relationships either unfortunately. Being female I see it from the other side too.

The partner of one of my friends is constantly walking out on her, then coming back saying he made a mistake.

Mug that she is, she keeps letting him :(

I just skimmed the thread by the way...the bit about OP's then-fiancee and the guy at work.

No affair...I reckon it was her way of saying we're growing apart, you're no longer are only interest, my eyes are wandering, I'm finding other people attractive beyond just a cursory glance; not good.
 
Berath said:
Men do it as well I'm afraid. You lot aren't saints in relationships either unfortunately. Being female I see it from the other side too.
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I agree this isn't a gender-specific issue, but being a forum of computer enthusiasts, you're bound to get a rather one-sided view of things. ;)
 
ashrobbo said:
Holy Thread revival!!

UPDATE - Well shock horror, here I am with my tail between my legs. It happened again. Shes still unsure so i've had enough. That's it were done, totally.

She's now moved out for good. Keeping this amicable for the sake of dividing stuff up, mortgage payments etc but that's it.

Well done Magnolia and others, you should be bookies!!

TLDR: you told me so.
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Now get on with your life and meet someone who really wants to be with you :)
 
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