I think my girlfriend is suffering from depression, I need some advice

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Hades said:
I'm going to go against thew grain here and suggest that the doctor won't be able to do much. In extreme cases I would always suggest seeking professional help. But in this instance it sounds like the problem is her job and I don't think the doctor can offer must assistance other than medication or counseling which will only be short term fixes here.

Resolving her job issue and love of life is the long term solution which isn't easy of course, especially in the times we find ourselves in. So short term while that issue can't be helped I would recommend a lot of physical activity like getting her down the gym which can really improve someones outlook.

Other people may expect more of us in our lives but our lives are ours to live and no-one elses.
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This is by far the best advice here and pretty much what I was going to say. She is clearly an intelligent girl and probably gone through her accademic life being sold a vision of her future by her family her peers and the academic institutes she has attended. The reality of life once you leave this bubble as most of us know can be quite different and it is easy to feel cheated and sorry for yourself.

Here are two bits of advice I always find useful to think about whenever I get narcissistic:

Your life might not currently be the way you wanted or expected but you are also in a much better place than billions of people on this planet. Travelling to other countries really opens your eyes to this and is one of the best things you can do for your soul.

Thinking and worrying never achieved anything. It's only taking actions in the real world that ever make any difference. Never waste mental energy on anything that does not manifest something in the real world. If there is anything you can do then do it, don’t waste any time on the things you can’t.

Good luck give her your support and help motivate her and things will change for the better.
 
I see this thread seems to have come to a natural conclusion and people have offered some very good advice. Your plan of action seems a good one!
I work in the field of mental health and am one of the people your GP would refer to for support and therapy - I won't go any further into such things at the risk of breaking forum rules however!
There seems to be a split of opinion of "therapy" (such as CBT) vs "this is a reaction to where she is in life". In fact, both opinions are compatible. It does indeed sound like your girlfriend is struggling because of life circumstances - but sometimes it is difficult to work out a solution being told that in such a blunt manner. Therapeutic approaches would help her to explore this herself and identify her own ways of approaching her struggles, rather than being told how to do so.
Anyway, I'm going to recommend a book which is pretty old now (1995). You might have otherwise passed it over, however the presentation and exercises work really well: "Mind over mood: Change how you feel by changing the way you think" by Greenberger and Padesky.
 
Sounds like a day in the life for me, we suffer, slave and expire, nothing works out, miserable for a third of the day and then unable to sleep at night.

Right now I think the key is fixing the fatal flaws in her life which are making her down, new job, retraining, whatever.

It's when she starts becoming quiet and distant you really need to worry. Speaking from experience.
 
a doctor probably wont be able to do much.
medication would be an extreme choice in this case so its either cbt or a counsellor (a good one will know about cbt anyway) - but, your girlfriend has to want to do it, and has to want to explore her feeling etc, otherwise it would be a waste of time.
 
I agree with the seeing of a Dr, if at first only to help with the sleeping (the Dr would probably ask any reasons for this anyhow). After, perhaps talking with her about what she truly wants and the time needed to put in to see return, almost like a plan of action. This will help her to decide which direction she wants to go in I think.
 
I would think that everyone will have up and downs in life and when things aren't going the way you would like its easy to feel down but personally I would avoid going to the doctors and having depression put down on your medical records. If you can support her and help her maybe this would be the best advice first.

If you feel its beyond that point then fair enough but you could make it worse for her if you become to pushy about the issue. Always seek medic advice from a professional but remember that person has to want it as well.
 
People are right to say that there are ups and downs in life but the key is that your responses are proportional to the stresses you're under. If it gets to a point where typical life issues (e.g. job problems) are causing you to spend days feeling miserable or suffer physical symptoms then I'd highly recommend seeking some sort of help.
 
People are too quick to go to the doctors these days. Anti-depressants are considerably overprescribed in this country as it is. I've always liked this...

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One More Solo said:
People are right to say that there are ups and downs in life but the key is that your responses are proportional to the stresses you're under. If it gets to a point where typical life issues (e.g. job problems) are causing you to spend days feeling miserable or suffer physical symptoms then I'd highly recommend seeking some sort of help.
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I don't know, I know I never found getting help to actually be of any help, it was just a load of tripe and pills which make you feel like you're practically dead, didn't go near the things after experiencing them the first time.

You really can't rely on other people in this life. The only way to fix anything is to attack it at the source then any fallout, cross that bridge when you come to it.
 
dirtychinchilla said:
Please, I'm really just looking for advice from people who have been in similar situations.

So, my girlfriend finished university last year, having studied Forensics and Law. So far, no job she's done has had anything to do with that. It's all been admin work. She's been out of work for a couple of months, but was so depressed doing the admin work - it basically sucked the life out of her - that she was delighted when her temporary contract was up.

Recently she decided that she'd like to start selling vintage clothes as she loves fashion and would really like to be self employed. She's starting to realise now, though, that this is going to be a long process, and she's impatient. The results aren't showing immediately, and it's just making her more depressed.

She has been seeming a lot more like herself of late, but she's had way too much time to think and assess her life and is very self deprecating. She refuses to see a doctor, and she suffers from insomnia, which doesn't improve her mood. Her family stress her out because she thinks that they expect certain things of her, and doesn't like to disappoint them.

All this is building up and I'm really at a loss about what to do. I try to always be happy around her, and show her love and support her as much as I can, but it has a limited effect, and now I really don't know what to do.

If you have any advice for me, any similar experiences, I would love to hear them.

I'm going to continue trying to get her to go to the doctors and to find work that actually suits her for now, but it's not a permanent solution. She's very creative, so I really don't think a desk job suits her, but we're not really sure what kind of direction might be good for her.

Anyway, help, please!
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I'd be more inclined to talk to her than to pay too much attention to us. Not to discredit the people on this forum who have had their troubles, I don't mean that, but talk with and listen to her.
 
dirtychinchilla said:
Thank you everyone for your advice. I really appreciate it, and love how caring this place is.

To all those suggesting that she go see a doctor, I think that others are right saying that she shouldn't go. it might be a step too far, and the suggestion of a book I think would be great, as long as I can get her to read it. She has agreed to get a book to help her, and I have found one for helping people with depression that I'll read to get some advice. Hopefully they will be beneficial.

I'm also going to encourage her to exercise more. We actually both started running together this week, and we both really enjoyed it, so I'll encourage that more. We also play badminton together with her sister and her fiancé occasionally, so I'll try and get her doing more of that too.

With regards to work, I don't think she could stomach forensic clean up! I wouldn't want her to do that sort of job, to be honest. I know it's anecdotal, but my uncle was in the police for many years and saw a lot of horrible things. He went on to suffer manic depression and killed himself...I'd rather she wasn't exposed to that! Good luck to you though, sounds very lucrative if you can stomach it.

I will suggest that she does some sort of CBT, or at least get a book that for her that works on that basis, so thank you for that suggestion.

RedvGreen, I'll email you later. Thank you very much :)

Sports_brah, thank you. I think you've hit the nail on the head - very perceptive! She definitely feels that everyone else's lives around her are steaming ahead and that she's being left behind :( I think she just needs to be patient, but it can't be fun sitting at home all day mulling it over as she is now. I really wish she could find the right job for her skills, but I feel she's been looking at the wrong kind of thing, - desk jobs, when she's more creative than that.

To those that have spoken against medication, that's also not the route that I'd like her to take. I think she needs a confidence boost really, but I'm not sure how I can provide her with that. I do my best to encourage her, tell her I'm proud of her etc, but I think that she thinks that I'm taking the ****.

I'm encouraging her to embrace this business idea, but it hasn't got off to the start she hoped. I read somewhere though that people who are self depreciating tend to react negatively to you telling them that they're doing really well at something and that it's much better to tell them that no matter what happens, everything is a learning experience. I tried this and it actually works to some extent!!

To those that have recommended books, I'll look them up and hopefully get her one soon. I'm so surprised, and so glad, that she actually entertained the idea of reading one! Part of the problem is that she knows she needs to sort this out, and acknowledges that she's depressed, but always wants a quick fix. We all know there isn't one though.

Once again, thank you all. This community is fantastic.
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How old is your girl friend?

The best thing you can do is convince her of the future that lies ahead. I got myself very down about a lot of things, but pulled through when I considered the facts. I was 22 at the time, which to me felt like I had past it. I was a failure within the university system (too much drink, not enough work), I didn't particularly like the people around me who were all culturally different, I couldn't catch a break regarding jobs and had a whole swathe of other issues.

Then I met someone. Now the person I met wasn't precisely what changed me, it was more that I was lucky enough to have a good event. I seized that good event, put to bed my age issue and I soldiered on. Things still are not great, I'm doing a Masters in Finance, an area I don't think it really me, but the human mind is strange. If we can see a future for ourselves, we can tolerate all sorts of ****. (Sort of the way people in Gulags and concentration camps kept the will to live: they could see a way out).

So I'll reiterate again, keep her busy. Make sure she is exercising, have her volunteer whilst proactively applying for jobs and engaging in side lines which will boost her confidence and her employability. And above all, be there for her. Some people will say it's faggish to really go for it, but be like a cat approaching another sad cat. (I hate cats, but my God they're perceptive and affectionate when they sense someone is down). Smother her with your affection, take every opportunity to build her up (above all be sincere in all you say) and make sure she knows that no matter, you have her back.

Human minds are like sharks, when they stop swimming/focusing towards our goals, they die of self doubt.
 
From personal experience of my GF which I'd rather not discuss.

The hardest part is getting them to see a doctor, I dragged my GF so to speak to the doctors, once there it isn't a simple solution, it is a long process but the eventual rewards are worth all the hardship. Do whatever you can mate to get her there, I threatened to leave if she didn't come with me to see the Doctor, may sound extreme but it was the only way to force her to come!

Hope you manage to sort it! Remember, doctors is only the first step! You need to support her best you can!
 
I think people use the word "depressed" too frequent. There's a difference between being temporarily down to being chronically depressed. It's pretty significant.

I think males/females go through stages in their life where they are down, and often the partner will think it's to do with them. The best thing to do is listen and be supportive. I agree going to the doctors is a bit too much in this situation.

Most people feel down as they overly focus on the negatives in their lives and forget the positives. I always remind my girlfriend of the positives when she may have a negative that temporarily brings her down. It becomes more of a problem if all "legs of the stool" are negative, so it's vital as a partner to be supportive and tolerant, no matter how much you have to bite your lip, even if it allowing your partner to make a little mistake here and there on the way.
 
londonbairn said:
I think people use the word "depressed" too frequent. There's a difference between being temporarily down to being chronically depressed. It's pretty significant.
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Far more people get depressed than we think, and they keep it quiet because of the attached stigma. Depression isn't an all or nothing thing. It's a spectrum at one end where people self-harm or even kill themselves, and at the other people are miserable and feel there is no point to their lives.

When you've had someone tell you that they don't want to kill themselves, but they'd be quite happy if they went to bed and never woke up, it's heartbreaking. You wonder how they can seem to not care about you the same way you care about them if they don't care if they live or die. They become numb to the world, hiding the problem from others and blaming themselves for feeling that way.

As a loved one, there is a limited amount you can do, for several reasons:

1. You don't have the skills and training.

2. You have a place as a loved one to support the person within their current lives.

3. You are part of the problem. Just by being there, you are part of the depressed person's life, the life that isn't working for them. That's a world that they can't work with (often why a partner can't get the depressed person to admit the problem or go to a doctor or counsellor). You need some neutral party to get things going in the right direction.
 
@ dirtychinchilla

Sounds like you are doing 'your bit' to make things better*

As for your other half... either she needs to get some perspective on her life and feelings, direction etc, or if she is actually suffering from a clinical depression she has to admit to this and make the steps (with support) to seek the appropriate help.

*The caveat with this is you can only do so much - people have to want to change/get better/seek help for themselves.

No amount of dedication from you will change this. The more you pour your time and emotional energy into trying to help someone who does not want, or is not ready to be helped, the more damaging it will be to you and your relationship over time.
There are no easy solutions to be found, just the price you are willing to pay.
 
My GF has the same issue, though I wouldn't go all the way and characterise it as depression. She has a Masters degree and works as a secretary..

I guess just as you explained that in these situations they have to have patience, I believe so are you in supporting them. What I found to work is sometimes instead of rationalising and using logic to convince her that things are not as bad as she thinks and that things will get better, sometimes you just have to listen and say "you must be feeling bad and I know how that feels". Girls in general don't necessarily require a solution when they complain, rather empathy.
 
elJarmen said:
My GF has the same issue, though I wouldn't go all the way and characterise it as depression. She has a Masters degree and works as a secretary..

I guess just as you explained that in these situations they have to have patience, I believe so are you in supporting them. What I found to work is sometimes instead of rationalising and using logic to convince her that things are not as bad as she thinks and that things will get better, sometimes you just have to listen and say "you must be feeling bad and I know how that feels". Girls in general don't necessarily require a solution when they complain, rather empathy.
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How can you possibly say that to another human being without coming across as being incredibly patronising? :confused:
 
Evilsod said:
How can you possibly say that to another human being without coming across as being incredibly patronising? :confused:
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I don't think you'd come across like that at all. I may not have used the best example but I think you know what I mean. The idea here is that sometimes you just have to keep your mouth shut and just listen. Don't try to offer solutions, don't ask them to think positive, just listen, acknowledge their pain and make them know you understand where they're coming from. A hug and saying how strong you believe she is in the end usually tops it off. :)
 
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