Guys, what do I say?

robfosters

robfosters

robfosters

Caporegime
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I'm going to visit a very close friend at home tomorrow. He's just been let out of hospital today after being told on Monday that he has 3-4 months to live due to esophageal cancer.

I haven't the faintest idea what to do or say when I see him? This is literally the first time I have ever been to see someone who is terminal, and in such a short space of time.

Have any of you ever faced this dilemma?
 
Mate, that's a horrible situation for anyone to be in. I really feel for you and your friend, and their family.

I don't think there is a right or a wrong thing to say in these kinds of circumstances provided you're not actively trying to be a douche. I'd be tempted to start by saying you hope he knows that he means a lot to you, and that he only needs to ask if there is ever anything you can do. Then let him decide how far down that line you're going and otherwise try and enjoy as much of the time you have together as best you can.

It won't be an easy visit I'm sure, so try and be a bit kind to yourself afterwards as well. Good luck
 
Depends on how close you are, but maybe tell him you'll always be there for his family, or watch over them or something to that effect.
 
Whatever you do don't put it off.

When my father in-law was terminal he said that 'nobody comes around to visit me any more'.

Which I can understand because people just don't know what to say or are scared, he needed support but it wasn't there.

Poor man fought that **** for 2 years, as soon as the doctor said there was nothing they could do for him any more he passed away a week later, just gave up, and died aged 59 years.

Cruel Cruel world it is.

Go see that man as much as possible as he needs the support.
 
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it depends entirely on how you guys are with each other, my mate found out he had cancer (in the end it was treated fine) but first thing i said was " when you pass away, can i have your computer" we both had a laugh about it and that was that, we didnt mention it particuarly other than "you coming round next week" "nah, got treatment" etc etc.

just play it how you would be with him normally.
 
It's simple, if you're there for him, he'll appreciate it, what he won't appreciate is some stupid platitudes that are meaningless.

Things like "you know now so you can ignore the stupid stuff and focus on the stuff you really want to do". For most people that is being with people they love, living a long life. Telling someone they have nothing to fear from skydiving now is just crass.

The awkward things people say, are just that awkward and, it becomes about how you feel about what you say, rather than how they feel. You can't say anything besides you can be there for him(if you actually can be, absolutely don't promise to be around for him if you won't be, that is just mean).

Simply tell him, there is nothing good to say but as above, if you can be there for him, you will be.

The little experience I've had with truly sick people is the majority want to be with their friends and do what things they can, without EVERY moment with everyone being about their upcoming death. Imagine if he see's I dunno, 40 people and every couple days each one brings up their death and how they are feeling. When you're ill most people don't want to focus on it, be reminded or dwell on it. Focus on other things.

People are all different though, so are sick people, so it's hard to know what he wants or how he'll react. Again it's really just be there, if he's angry and shouting at you, don't take it personally, let him vent, it's an emotional time. If he wants to talk about it, let him, if he doesn't, don't push him to.
 
davido_labido said:
it depends entirely on how you guys are with each other, my mate found out he had cancer (in the end it was treated fine) but first thing i said was " when you pass away, can i have your computer" we both had a laugh about it and that was that, we didnt mention it particuarly other than "you coming round next week" "nah, got treatment" etc etc.

just play it how you would be with him normally.
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I was going to suggest making a joke, because most people will likely be awkward and timid and not normal and it would be a welcome piece of normality, but obvious depends on the relationship and person. But, great response from you :p
 
“How are you doing?” and just try and be yourself. He'll talk about it if he wants to. The most important thing is be there for him.
 
drunkenmaster said:
I was going to suggest making a joke, because most people will likely be awkward and timid and not normal and it would be a welcome piece of normality, but obvious depends on the relationship and person. But, great response from you :p
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in all honesty, we had a great laugh about it. We went the pub, and he was saying it was my round i said "gtfo, you dont need the money, your chemo is free and if it works, being 20 quid down wont bother you in the slightest!!!"

the barmaid looked at me like i was a git. i didnt pay for a drink all night though so it was all good.

The point im trying to make is that it is all down to your relationship with him im afraid, if hes upset and not sure what hes going to do, sit down and help him plan things.

if he is taking it well and just getting on with it (like someone i knew who died from cancer, we didnt even know until he left work) then just carry on as usual, take a few beers round (they aint meant to drink, but lets face it, i doubt he will be bothered now) grab a take away and just generalyl have a laugh with him!

Im sorry your friend is ill, cancer has been a bitch to my family and friends the last few years, but at least my last experience was far better than yours =(
 
You could always ask him if he wants to talk about it and work from there, he might just want to try and put it out of his mind as much as possible and try to have "normal" time with you. I know that it can get very annoying/depressing to have to talk about your own illness just when all you want to do is try and enjoy what time you have left.
 
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OP: just be yourself and carry on regardless.... faced it a few times with family and friends and it's never easy. Just being yourself and treating your friend the same way you always have done before is the best way I think.

Me, I do that too.... just found out Dad's got a nice, rare (in white Europeans) naso-pharyngeal thing going on. We gave it a name! Don't let IT take over and own it instead. Starting curative radio/chemo soon and we're happy to be in one of the best places in the country for treatment (Newcastle Hospitals Trust).
 
Unfortunately, I'm in a similar situation to your friend albeit there is a glimmer of hope for me. Personally, how I want people to be with me is partly dependent upon who they are but it is more relevant how I am feeling at the time which can range from one extreme to another and change with every minute - that doesn't really help you need to be aware that it is hugely important to be as discerning as possible as to his current mood. I can only speak for myself but, ultimately, I want people, life, whatever to be as normal as possible as that is what I am trying to do, ie carry on with life as best I can without letting it destroy whatever time is left. What I hate, however, is people pussy-footing around not knowing what to say. I would far rather people simply admit up front that they have no idea what to say about my illness than either avoiding me or being awkward. Difficult, yes, but important nonetheless.

The other important thing for me is to know that there will be people around to look after my family. Bugger - I'll have to finish this off later. Typing this has set me off and I can't see the screen!
 
DanielMMS said:
Unfortunately, I'm in a similar situation to your friend albeit there is a glimmer of hope for me. Personally, how I want people to be with me is partly dependent upon who they are but it is more relevant how I am feeling at the time which can range from one extreme to another and change with every minute - that doesn't really help you need to be aware that it is hugely important to be as discerning as possible as to his current mood. I can only speak for myself but, ultimately, I want people, life, whatever to be as normal as possible as that is what I am trying to do, ie carry on with life as best I can without letting it destroy whatever time is left. What I hate, however, is people pussy-footing around not knowing what to say. I would far rather people simply admit up front that they have no idea what to say about my illness than either avoiding me or being awkward. Difficult, yes, but important nonetheless.

The other important thing for me is to know that there will be people around to look after my family. Bugger - I'll have to finish this off later. Typing this has set me off and I can't see the screen!
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I thought your last thread had been more optimistic and I'm very, very sorry to hear that I'd misunderstood it.
 
Like was said above, I personally would just be yourself. As by doing this you will create happy memories and hopefully make him happy in these last moments.
 
[FnG]magnolia;25837268 said:
I thought your last thread had been more optimistic and I'm very, very sorry to hear that I'd misunderstood it.
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Likewise.

Are you willing to share Daniel? Completely understand if not.
 
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