The all new old joke thread

What's orange and sounds like a parrot ?
A carrot.


The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the stable to see the new born son. One extremely tall wise man hits his head on the door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!"
Joseph looks at Mary and says, "Write that down, it's better than Clyde."
 
There was a young lady from Bude,
who went for a swim in the lake,
a young man in a punt,
Pulled her out by the leg, and said
you cant swim here its forbidden
 
Jane is pregnant with twins and before she knows it 6 months arrives, but the day after the milestone she collapses.

Waking up in hospital she looks down to see her bump significantly smaller, "NURSE" she screams and the nurses rush in telling her she's fine and the babies are fine. Nothing to worry about.

She calms down and asks the first question any mother would, "Where are they then?" to which the nurse replies "They're in the nursery in the incubators, your brother is here keeping an eye on them. He's even named them for you"

"Oh no, not that idiot" the new mother exasperates. "What's he named them then?". The nurse smiles and says well you had a boy and a girl, the girl he named denise." "OH! Wonderful" the mother exclaimed "and the other one?" she asked. "Well" the nurse said with a nervous grin "You had a boy.. and he named it.. Denephew".
 
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

..........

Man driving along the M25 when he felt a bit rough and had to stop on the hard shoulder. He then phoned his doctor and told him that he felt pretty poorly.

"I feel sick and I'm shaking all over" said the man"

the doctor replied , " do you feel nervy and anxious too?"

"Yes, said the man, I do".

"What is your job"? says the doctor. " I'm an AA man" came the reply.

Doctor: "Sounds as though you could be heading for a breakdown then".
 
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bucket of water,
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill called the paramedics



There was a man from Dundee.
who's limericks always ended on line three.
I don't know why
 
There once was a woman named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And a piece of her ass was in Dallas
 
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, I'm Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, you're not. So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, No, son, you're not. The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, you're here again?
 
If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (***).

In a bid to discourage Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, Liberal Democrats have now begun to campaign with the slogan:-

"Vote NO, for ***'s sake!"

They feel that the voters will be able to relate to this, particularly those in Glasgow.
 
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
 
A nun walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on the immaculate conception, please?"

"Yes," replied the librarian, "over in the theology section. Having a little refresher are we, sister?"

"No," she replied. "I'm pregnant and I just want to make sure I get my story right."
 
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