Teen work/college law and advice

Burned_Alive said:
There's a job waiting for her:

http://www.gizmodo.co.uk/2014/11/high-pain-threshold-make-40k-as-a-human-paintball-test-target/
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So tempting.

Well I can say the last 20 minutes have been fireworks. A teen storming out to meet a boy (gone straight now) and my other half in floods of tears. Lets just say my partner laid it on the line with more than a few home truths.

Glad I shared this, kind of put it into perspective. Not sure if her attitude has changed much however.
 
CleverBalls said:
Sounds like she needs some compassion, unlike what the majority of the nobs here are suggesting; a harsh hand wont help this.

She's 16 an age that is difficult anyway, she's gay, which much have been hard to struggle with and likely still is and she has had an obviously difficult breakup with someone that she can relate to for (likely) the first time.

Now she's stuck at home with her parents who are on her case when she's trying to deal with a lot of other pressures and it sounds like her only release is socialising with her friends, again, understandably.

Empathise with her, sit down with your partner and discuss how you mean to go on in the future, incentivise her finding a job/course and let her know you're there to support her.

Treating her like a naughty teen will label her and will likely cause her to enable a self-fulfilling prophecy and she will become one.
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Can I thank you for this post.

I don't think we have found the happy medium between kicking butt and being sympathetic.

She had a 2 year gay relationship which broke up suddenly and at a time when the security of school life ended.

Now she is not sure even if she is gay. It is all so complicated but my concern is what will happen to her in the long term.

To be fair she has always been very lazy, the Grandmother dotes on her and still buys anything and everything she wants. She spends loads of time with her and the grandmother is not supportive of us at all.

Edit: Think I am gonna fall out with my partner, I asked again if the mobile contract had been cancelled and she avoided the conversation. I insisted she checked but fapped about on the Tesco mobile site, pretty sure it is still running. I just don't know which way to turn. I still have a son from a failed marriage to support on top of this.
 
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I dropped out of sixth form after 2 months because it was boring as ****. It was the best thing that ever happened to me because the next year I started a different sixth form which was 1000 times better and I made much better friends.

You just need to take it easy. It's the first time in her life where education isn't compulsory, I think she needs time to find herself (and the right college/course), pestering her about college will simply make her sick of education.

Just take it easy and don't expect her to give you a decision straight away, you've got six months or so to condition/persuade her into starting a different college next September to study something only she enjoys.
 
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So you essentially have no support from your partner or her mother in terms of being a united front when it comes to parenting and your daughter has become an attention seeking fashion gay.

Its going to be very difficult to give her any direction in life as she can rely on people to support whatever whim she has that week. In fact I would suspect she is being exploited by her boyfriend or she will exploit him in the long run.

Its a shame you cant drop her into s military academy for a few years.
 
asim18 said:
I dropped out of sixth form after 2 months because it was boring as ****. It was the best thing that ever happened to me because the next year I started a different sixth form which was 1000 times better and I made much better friends.

You just need to take it easy. It's the first time in her life where education isn't compulsory, I think she needs time to find herself (and the right college/course), pestering her about college will simply make her sick of education.

Just take it easy and don't expect her to give you a decision straight away, you've got six months or so to condition/persuade her into starting a different college next September to study something only she enjoys.
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It is compulsory that she is in education/training until she is 18.
 
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See if you have a Connexions service running in your area still or an equivalent that offers information, advice and guidance (IAG). They exist to support and guide people like your stepdaughter into some sort of positive progression and keep them on track.

I was an adviser until the government cut it to shreds.
 
Third Opinion said:
As well as the concerns we have about the laziness/attitude we are not even certain it is legal for her not to be in work or training as laws have changed.
.
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All this and no where do you mention her age which is kinda important to that question :/


and just stop giving her money.,
 
Third Opinion said:
Can I thank you for this post.

I don't think we have found the happy medium between kicking butt and being sympathetic.

She had a 2 year gay relationship which broke up suddenly and at a time when the security of school life ended.

Now she is not sure even if she is gay. It is all so complicated but my concern is what will happen to her in the long term.

To be fair she has always been very lazy, the Grandmother dotes on her and still buys anything and everything she wants. She spends loads of time with her and the grandmother is not supportive of us at all.

Edit: Think I am gonna fall out with my partner, I asked again if the mobile contract had been cancelled and she avoided the conversation. I insisted she checked but fapped about on the Tesco mobile site, pretty sure it is still running. I just don't know which way to turn. I still have a son from a failed marriage to support on top of this.
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There's no need to thank me bud, you're obviously in a tight spot. Like you said you need to find some middle ground and before doing that you need to level things out with your partner; if you both go into a life changing discussion with your daughter and you both have different goals then it's not going to work.

I'd suggest having the discussion I mentioned previously with your partner, one you two have correlating interests and goals you can then begin the discussion with your daughter.

I know you're stressed and having a hard time, but times like this that build your character; remain calm and collected and you'll see it through and you'll all benefit from the experience.
 
I say issue her an ultimatum, she goes to college and does her A Levels/ BTEC or gets an apprenticeship or a full time job and starts paying keep.

If not then she's confined to the house with no contact to her friends until she does decide to do something. Her social life is obviously important - that is where you need to get her in order to shock some sense into the girl.
 
She does need to be in education, its not a choice until she is 18.

It is a tricky time in any teenagers life, but they still need boundaries, if they are to learn respect and get on in sociaty then they have to learn to deal with boundaries and rules. You shouldn't be putting you hand in your pocket for anything other than main meals for her.
My basic stance is that I will support my kids all the time they need me to providing they are doing their bit, ie attending school or collage or even in their first job but this support will diminish as they start to work full time until the point where I would expect them to be paying something towards living at home. Where I live there is no reason to be jobless, you might not have the job you want but you can certainly be working whilst your looking for it.
You need to be consistent, calm, united and fair. She's not being fair to you right now and she needs to know that.
 
CleverBalls said:
Sounds like she needs some compassion, unlike what the majority of the nobs here are suggesting; a harsh hand wont help this.

She's 16 an age that is difficult anyway, she's gay, which much have been hard to struggle with and likely still is and she has had an obviously difficult breakup with someone that she can relate to for (likely) the first time.

Now she's stuck at home with her parents who are on her case when she's trying to deal with a lot of other pressures and it sounds like her only release is socialising with her friends, again, understandably.

Empathise with her, sit down with your partner and discuss how you mean to go on in the future, incentivise her finding a job/course and let her know you're there to support her.

Treating her like a naughty teen will label her and will likely cause her to enable a self-fulfilling prophecy and she will become one.
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I was going to say this ^

Being a 16 year old girl is hard, especially when you have set out your life choice (collage) based on your relationship, which has now broken up...let alone being gay on top of that! It was probably her first 'real' love/relationship

Chances are she knows she has screwed up and she is well on the self pity train. The last thing she needs at the moment is the 2 of you getting on her back.

However, I understand that you cant afford to support her, and all we see (as adults) is a petulant teenager who cba doing anything.

I do think the best advise really is to get her mum - not you Op, no offence, I will explain in a mo - to sit down with her and talk to her. Not in her bedroom, which is her space, or even in the house, where she could feel like she is getting ganged up on, but somewhere neutral. Get them to go and get a coffee, or go for a walk or something. Nothing heavy duty.

She loves her mum (us girls do), even if they argue and flight, and ultimately when we have done something stupid or we have split up from someone, we want our mum to give us a hug and tell us that it will be okay and it will all work its self out.

I am not saying they go out, hug it out and avoid the issue. But opening with that will help a lot. LISTEN to her, let her talk and don't judge. Once you have got this, then you can ask her what SHE wants to do with her life.

The reason why I said not you Op, cause regardless of how long you have been in her life, you will never replace a girls mum. I know and understand this being a (sort of) step parent myself. I would love my step child to confide in me and want to speak to me when she gets bigger, but I know that she will always want her mum. She is only little (5) now, but if I am around when she is bigger then I would be blessed if she chooses to come to speak to me about anything, over her parents.

Does she have any hobbies - does she like art, music, fashion, animals etc - and if she does, is there a collage course she might be interested in taking which supports that? If she does, then that could lead to her taking a Saturday job so she can buy any materials or anything that she would need to do get through collage.

Ultimately you need to speak to her and treat her like an adult, but also try and remember what you were like at 16 and respect her.
 
Sounds like you're losing the battle. As much as your partner is trying to force her into college/jobs, without doing things like cancelling a phone contract, you're not going to be able to make many changes.

I think you and your partner need to sit down with her and discuss what she wants to do with her life. She's at a stage in her life where there's lots of things going on and she's all confused and doesn't know what to do.

By listening to what her ambitions are, or what subjects she enjoys, or what area of work she's interested in, you can both then advise her on what routes to take.
 
Communication is the key, I can guarantee there is far more going on in her head than she is telling you.

Have you actually sat down the 3 of you and just talked about life? Not having a go at her but just talked about the relationship the three of you have and what her hopes and fears are etc.? My guess is she is probably deeply unhappy.

You and your partner need to be like a brick wall of love and support, not reacting to any childish nonsense she might throw at you. Show her you are above all that and let her know you will do everything you can help when she is ready to work with you.
 
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pitchfork said:
Disagree with this understanding lark, life isn't like that, it's not the lesson to teach kids that people will be understanding of their actions.
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And you are right. People in the real world (work, college etc) will not be understanding and will just want her to do her work.

But as parents you need to be understanding of your child and this should be natural.

Granted she does need a kick up the backside, but there are ways to go about it which will not result in a teenager turning to her 'friends' for 'help' and ending up in a bad place.

There are far to many young adults who don't have any trust or faith in their parents cause they were kicked out at 16/17 for one reason or another. Taking the hard approach has not worked so far, so try the softer approach and see where it gets you.

You have nothing to loose in trying, but you could loose her if you don't. Which would you rather have?

You have already said that her dad isn't interested, to have her mum and step parent seemingly turn their backs on her when she feels like she needs you to understand and support her the most would be very damaging
 
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pitchfork said:
Disagree with this understanding lark, life isn't like that, it's not the lesson to teach kids that people will be understanding of their actions.
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Yeah, no. OP don't listen to this guy, he clearly has no idea what he's talking about when it comes to parenting.

Talk to her properly, as it doesn't sound like this has been done yet.

Also, why are you trying to force her into going for a full time job? That seems incredibly unnecessary.
 
TrixiBuG said:
And you are right. People in the real world (work, collage etc) will not be understanding and will just want her to do her work.

But as parents you need to be understanding of your child and this should be natural.

Granted she does need a kick up the backside, but there are ways to go about it which will not result in a teenager turning to her 'friends' for 'help' and ending up in a bad place.

There are far to many young adults who don't have any trust or faith in their parents cause they were kicked out at 16/17 for one reason or another. Taking the hard approach has not worked so far, so try the softer approach and see where it gets you.

You have nothing to lose in trying, but you could lose her if you don't. Which would you rather have?

You have already said that her dad isn't interested, to have her mum and step parent seemingly turn their backs on her when she feels like she needs you to understand and support her the most would be very damaging
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Collage

:p
 
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