Feel completely stuck

MouthBoy

MouthBoy

MouthBoy

Soldato
Joined
6 Apr 2010
Posts
2,918
Location
Cambridgeshire
Tiny bit of background; went through a divorce last year, moved away to start as fresh as possible, purchased house (deposit came from sale of previous house from marriage), then unfortunately got made redundant just before Christmas. Found a new job this year and have been there for 3 months.

This new job is simply not working out for me. The onboarding initially was very good but it now it's just dropped off and I feel completely overwhelmed. The best way I can describe it is that post onboarding I felt like I could work on a go kart, but I've been placed in a position where I am working on a bugatti. Most of my team are not native English either and so there is definitely a barrier there too.

I just feel utterly stupid and embarrassed each day and I have asked for help, but I feel this is getting ignored. I am not a stupid person and learn new things well, but I just cannot figure out how I can learn this role without further help.

I have started looking for other roles already, but here is another issue. I earn just enough to get by at the moment, but all the roles I am finding i can do are paying far far less and I simply cannot drop that low. I am stuck in a role now where I am mentally bombarded each day and I feel awful, and I'm trying to take actions to remove myself from this, but I cannot fathom how I can if I cannot find a suitable new role.

The work I do is mostly implementation consultancy. I've done this now for almost 15 years and been fairly successful. I am good at it too. But looking at what's out there its "5 years minimum" with xyz software, or "3 years minimum" in this industry. It seems that no where needs someone who can learn quickly, but doesn't already know the software.

I just feel so trapped as I cannot drop my income due to mortgage, child maintenance etc, but cannot find a suitable job to replace. I live alone btw so there is no second income or any other help at all.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can offer advice?

TLDR; in a role I'm struggling in, but can't find a similar paying role to move too. Experienced, but not in the ways companies want. Unsure how to progress.
 
Can't help with the job front. Have you tried requesting a meeting with your manager to raise your issues? If you don't you are still in your probation period? If you say you are failing, what if they finish you? Or are you over thinking this and you are actually doing ok?! We all get imposter syndrome and if you aren't getting pulled up, then maybe you are doing better than you think? It takes around 6 - 12 months before someone is fully productive.

As for £££'s, have you thought about, or would be open, to a lodger? Not sure how viable that would be as no doubt you would have your kids over - but may be a way to generate extra income.
 
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If you need help at work, speak up.

That way, if you start to really underperform you can claim you have gone through the right process to ask for help - always document the requests for help too.

It might not fix the issue, but certainly bolsters your stance should they wish to claim you are "underperforming".

Also - cut yourself some slack and give yourself some credit. New jobs take time to really feel like you are useful and you know what you are doing - its uncomfortable at first, but overtime it should start to feel better! Think back to when you first started out working in general. Experience takes time, and the same can be said when starting in a new company.
 
It's a difficult job market, you may have to just suck it up.

This is a good example of why 'living up to your means' is not a good idea. Living a lifestyle that's affordable for someone on half or less your wage is a much more sensible way to live.

I'm guessing downsizing so soon is off the table. Can you take on a lodger to help cover the bills and take some pressure off?
 
A rough year, sorry to hear that.

I've started new jobs to find it's a disaster and left. The short tenure on the CV really hurts, especially if you get a couple of them. So even if you hate the job try to make it last a year or two. It's not like you can leave without having something else lined up anyway.

It sounds like it should be possible to learn what you need, you're just struggling to figure out how. Without knowing the business it's hard to give advice, so you'll have to think about if there are other ways you can try - maybe talking to different people, finding documentation in some old system, etc. I started a new job recently and it's an absolute nightmare trying to learn anything, you're not alone.

I also can't tell whether it's just you who isn't happy with your own progress or whether your job is actually at risk. I think usually it's worth projecting an image of competence regardless of how you really feel. People might be assuming you're doing great and it might be a mistake to correct them. In my situation everyone knows it's a nightmare and it's not my fault.

I might be projecting, but I wonder if your negative feelings might be noticeable by your colleagues. If you can try to have a more positive mindset you might find things are more likely to work out in your favour.
 
ivrytwr3 said:
Can't help with the job front. Have you tried requesting a meeting with your manager to raise your issues? If you don't you are still in your probation period? If you say you are failing, what if they finish you? Or are you over thinking this and you are actually doing ok?! We all get imposter syndrome and if you aren't getting pulled up, then maybe you are doing better than you think? It takes around 6 - 12 months before someone is fully productive.

As for £££'s, have you thought about, or would be open, to a lodger? Not sure how viable that would be as no doubt you would have your kids over - but may be a way to generate extra income.
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I have tried to discuss with my manager, and will be doing so again this coming week.

Over all the jobs I've done I've never been in this position before, and I'm so embarrassed due to it.

Lodger is not possible due to only having a small 2 bed house, and one of the rooms is my daughters.
 
Musty Pie said:
If you need help at work, speak up.

That way, if you start to really underperform you can claim you have gone through the right process to ask for help - always document the requests for help too.

It might not fix the issue, but certainly bolsters your stance should they wish to claim you are "underperforming".

Also - cut yourself some slack and give yourself some credit. New jobs take time to really feel like you are useful and you know what you are doing - its uncomfortable at first, but overtime it should start to feel better! Think back to when you first started out working in general. Experience takes time, and the same can be said when starting in a new company.
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I am speaking up but I don't feel they have listened unfortunately.

You're completely correct about new jobs. This role has really caught me off guard in how it's all happened. It's like they themselves didn't have a plan for me.
 
mid_gen said:
It's a difficult job market, you may have to just suck it up.

This is a good example of why 'living up to your means' is not a good idea. Living a lifestyle that's affordable for someone on half or less your wage is a much more sensible way to live.

I'm guessing downsizing so soon is off the table. Can you take on a lodger to help cover the bills and take some pressure off?
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I'm proud of myself for very much living below my means. I have no debt bar the house and student loan, I don't buy things unless I can afford them outright etc, and I dont have any subscriptions i dont use etc. This situation is one I never thought I'd be in though. I've gone from married for 10years, living together, shared income etc, to being by myself. I didn't want to fall off the housing ladder as I felt I'd never get back on it, so I bought a house that was affordable given everything else. If it wasn't for this job issue I wouldn't be worried, but as this job feels not for me, I'm panicking about the lack of jobs out there I cab do and will pay the bills.
 
throwaway4372 said:
A rough year, sorry to hear that.

I've started new jobs to find it's a disaster and left. The short tenure on the CV really hurts, especially if you get a couple of them. So even if you hate the job try to make it last a year or two. It's not like you can leave without having something else lined up anyway.

It sounds like it should be possible to learn what you need, you're just struggling to figure out how. Without knowing the business it's hard to give advice, so you'll have to think about if there are other ways you can try - maybe talking to different people, finding documentation in some old system, etc. I started a new job recently and it's an absolute nightmare trying to learn anything, you're not alone.

I also can't tell whether it's just you who isn't happy with your own progress or whether your job is actually at risk. I think usually it's worth projecting an image of competence regardless of how you really feel. People might be assuming you're doing great and it might be a mistake to correct them. In my situation everyone knows it's a nightmare and it's not my fault.

I might be projecting, but I wonder if your negative feelings might be noticeable by your colleagues. If you can try to have a more positive mindset you might find things are more likely to work out in your favour.
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It's a mix of what you've put for sure.

Their new starter onboarding is almost non existent after a point, and it's "just get on with it". You can tell though that the current staff are not used to new starters, or even people who don't have years of knowledge, and their attitudes are off. They are not English either and you can tell they don't enjoy trying to translate and teach. Each time I ask a question you can see them roll their eyes.

This has definitely rubbed off on me in a negative way as I'm always worried to ask questions now, and if I do, the answer is broken English usually. A colleague of my leaves this week and has cited similar problems to why he is going, and he was there 2 years. I feel it's a culture thing.

I want to do well as the job is interesting, but the environment to learn in isn't there.

I know the answer is to move on which I'm trying to do, but damn I hate feeling so crap each day like a failure.
 
RxR said:
It does sound like the environment is incompetent, not you.
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I should take some of the blame of course, as I'm not the kind of person to say "not my fault at all" but yea i do agree.

I'm trying to be objective about it all, but it's difficult when I'm just trying to learn, do my job, and get paid.

Maybe I've been lucky but this is easily the worst start to a role I've had in 15 years.
 
MouthBoy said:
I should take some of the blame of course, as I'm not the kind of person to say "not my fault at all" but yea i do agree.

I'm trying to be objective about it all, but it's difficult when I'm just trying to learn, do my job, and get paid.

Maybe I've been lucky but this is easily the worst start to a role I've had in 15 years.
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Why should you take some of the blame? It sounds like you’re trying your best to do your job and to the best of your abilities in a difficult environment. Don’t beat yourself up, you’ll do yourself no favours in the long run. You’ll be your own worse enemy. I should know, I’ve been in similar positions myself.

See if there’s a a way to find a niche or a way to work through it and make it bearable.

Feeling trapped is the worse thing in the world, but, and I know it’s easier said than done, try and find things to focus on outside of work too besides looking for other roles, as that’ll just work you up further. If all you’re thinking about is how bad it is, it’ll never get better.

Besides, if you truly were that bad, you’d have been pulled to one side and told. It sounds like the type of environment where they wouldn’t have any qualms doing so!

I hope it improves for you soon :)
 
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MouthBoy said:
Most of my team are not native English either and so there is definitely a barrier there too.
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Are there cultural issues at play here? That is, do you know the cultures of your subordinates? For instance, in some cultures, if you ask someone if they have completed something they will automatically say “Yes” even if they haven’t done it yet so you should ask when they did it or finished it. My father was a management consultant for the UN and came across this sort of thing quite often.

Perhaps you might consult a cultural behaviorologist on how to better interact with your team.
 
Converge said:
Why should you take some of the blame? It sounds like you’re trying your best to do your job and to the best of your abilities in a difficult environment. Don’t beat yourself up, you’ll do yourself no favours in the long run. You’ll be your own worse enemy. I should know, I’ve been in similar positions myself.

See if there’s a a way to find a niche or a way to work through it and make it bearable.

Feeling trapped is the worse thing in the world, but, and I know it’s easier said than done, try and find things to focus on outside of work too besides looking for other roles, as that’ll just work you up further. If all you’re thinking about is how bad it is, it’ll never get better.

Besides, if you truly were that bad, you’d have been pulled to one side and told. It sounds like the type of environment where they wouldn’t have any qualms doing so!

I hope it improves for you soon :)
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Today I actually handed my notice in, which shocked them a lot. They want me to stay and are going to discuss all the issues I have. Going to see where this leads.
 
Quartz said:
Are there cultural issues at play here? That is, do you know the cultures of your subordinates? For instance, in some cultures, if you ask someone if they have completed something they will automatically say “Yes” even if they haven’t done it yet so you should ask when they did it or finished it. My father was a management consultant for the UN and came across this sort of thing quite often.

Perhaps you might consult a cultural behaviorologist on how to better interact with your team.
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Its not a cultural thing (sorry I wasn't clear before) but an actual language barrier. Trying to learn some very complex systems when I'm spending more than half the time trying to understand them, let alone the systems, it's hardwork. They are clearly don't want to teach either, so its rather compounded.
 
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This is all too common, especially in the UK. Training new staff is expensive enough, but many employers do it so badly that it becomes even more expensive in the long run. Throw in team members who are extremely reluctant to help others because they don't want to be replaced or outperformed by them, and you get this kind of **** storm.

Roles are also being merged to cut costs and people are expected to be jacks of all trades.
 
Had further discussions today with management and they're asking what can be done to keep me. The great sign is that they are actively listening and are engaging with me.

The issue though is that the damage is done, and will keep being done until they change things. They know they have an issue.
 
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