My dad died, and I didn't say goodbye

Threepwood

Threepwood

Threepwood

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My dad died on the 3rd, we were told at around 8am that he had been admitted to hospital ( again) and that in the doctors' opinion my dad wouldn't have long left
He didn't live close by, so we had to wait until my carers got me up at 11:30 am to leave,
Needless to say, 6.5 hours later we did not make it until after he died, but the matron knew that we were all coming so she kept him in situ on the hospital bed that he died on ready for us to see him.
My half sister got to the hospital just in time, but as soon as she made it to the ward, he died at the same time, so she missed seeing him too, sadly
when mum, and I got there, my full sister was on route too from as far away as us, so she didn't make it before he died either,
Anyway, we got there, and my mum, my sister and I went to see his body at the same time.
it was very odd sitting next to his body, I got to hold his hand, and stroke his moustache ( he's always had a tom selleck magnum : PI moustache, it was one of his definining features really, apart from being somewhat bald on the top front of his head.
I got fed up of being with a dead body, and decided that it was time to leave.
So, we all left, but I didn't realise that this was a chance to say goodbye.
I didn't say goodbye, and I really wish that I had've, it's driving me a little potty

does anyone have a similar experience or any advice?
thanks.
 
I lost my dad in 1999 aged 19 after having a massive argument. Ironically after the argument, he had a hospital appointment, whereby he died of a heart attack before I could get there and make amends.

It took many years and some other stuff for me to make peace with him and myself.
 
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Aw that sucks.

Obvs the timing of events is something you can't change now. Bit of a serenity prayer thing about accepting things you can't change..

Guilt in grief is totally normal. Grief has stages and in time you'll go through them.

I wonder if you could do something symbolic. Talking to a headstone, planting a tree, going to a place with memories, whatever makes sense to you.

www.nhs.uk

Get help with grief after bereavement or loss

Read practical tips and advice on what to do if you're struggling with bereavement, grief and loss.
www.nhs.uk www.nhs.uk
 
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My grandad passed away and he asked to see me before he died - I physically couldn't get there on time before he passed.

To this day I still feel bad but there were genuine reasons and it was impossible to get there on time. My dad has never criticised and said there was nothing I could have done differently.
 
Couldn’t get to see mine because of Covid rules and stuff, also lived 100 miles away. It is what it is.
Same with my mum, she had a stroke so couldn’t even talk on the phone, my sister lived near by but was no assistance at all.

But when I had seen them before Covid I had said the right things, I hope.
 
Sorry hear that.
It's coming up to 10 years since my dad passed away. But I still can't forget or forgive myself for the last conversation I had with my dad. He was having hearing problems and we got him a pair of hearing aids. But he wouldn't wear them. So I sort of told him off for that. Few days later he passed away in what we think was a stroke - while speaking on the phone to one of my cousins. It didn't help that I lived in UK but my Dad in Sri Lanka.
 
Diddums said:
Condolences dude, sorry to hear it. How was your relationship with him?
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thanks man, we were better than ever before I had my stroke, I never saw him after that because he couldn't drive after having surgery
and I couldn't drive because of being hemiplegic.
 
Avathar77 said:
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Avathar77 said:
I still can't forget or forgive myself for the last conversation I had with my dad
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I know how you feel, my dad had been trying to phone me over and over for the week before he died, did he know it was coming, idk, but I had to delete his last message to me, it simply said " you don't phone." the only reason that I didn't pick up the phone was because the c.o.p.d was so bad, it was like talking to darth vadar, and the last time we talked he said some nasty things about my half sister, didn't want to go back there after telling him that he was out of order saying those things, not the best last, true memory
 
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My condolences, this is always tough and that brought back memories, truly sorry to hear that.

One thing, depending on funeral. There will potentially be the option to see him again in the chapel of rest.

I chose not too with my relative as I felt I had closure at the hospital, it is not always done that way. Just thought I'd mention.
 
Very sorry to hear it mate. My Dad died back in February. It's really really hard. No getting away from that. But we get through it, we always find a way. Surround yourself with genuine people and good memories. Best wishes to you
 
My condolences Threepwood, but many of us never got to say goodbye to a loved one.

My dad died 1st Jan 2000, we went to visit him at the Nuffield hospital and when we walked in saw he had passed away on his own in a private room. He was 56, pancreatic cancer.
 
Really sorry dude - its a painful loss, my dad died to covid complications in 2021 as well as other health issues.

He was at home until the day he died and taken to the hospital early evening, mum went with him and sat for a few hours until I picked her up and we went home for tea, he died around 2am that night.

I chose not to see his body as I didnt want to remember him that way - my last memory of him was putting his hat on outside our house in the ambulance & gave him a hi5/handshake and told him to get will soon, his last words were 'will do' - but he was very unwell.

My only advice is try not to beat yourself up - hold on to the last nice memory you have of him - that was your goodbye, as my dads was what is written above.

Give yourself time also, its taken my about 4 years to more or less come to terms with it - I still have off days but unfortunately its become the 'new norm' now - I check in on my mum as often as a I can and speak to her most days to check shes ok.

I think people during traumatic events place great meaning on things that on the whole possibly matter less - what matters is your life time of memories & carrying on to have a good life in his memory - thats what he would have wanted, he will be looking over you all now wishing you to do your best.

For now, let yourself just be - there is no rush, there is no right answer, just what feels good for you.

Also the human mind copes as hard as it is - the day he died (when we found out the next morning), it obviously hit like a ton of bricks, but I went outside and it just started to rain, it was the most intense smell of petrichor I have ever smelt - like 10000x what it is usually, but it made me feel at 'one' with the universe and while devastated I knew he was at rest now.

May your dad RIP - and go easy on yourself, condolences to your family also.
 
dont beat yourself up about it, you loved him and he knew it so that is what really counts the most.

both my parents are near end of life and I am absolutely scared stiff to be honest, my dad ignores Dr advice and I know he is on very thin Ice.
 
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