Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Dr House

Dr House

Dr House

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I was Just wondering how many of you guys have come access someone with BPD, having spent the last decade working in ED I have seen quite a few patients coming in with acute MH events. I sometimes have a chat with the partners and just feel so sorry for what they have been through, in part because I have also met someone with BPD before and know how hard it can be on others.​


Some of the common features of BPD.
  1. Emotional Instability: Intense mood swings, including rapid shifts from anger to sadness or anxiety.
  2. Fear of Abandonment: Extreme efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
  3. Unstable Relationships: Idealizing someone one moment, then devaluing them the next.
  4. Distorted Self-Image: Fluctuating sense of identity or self-worth.
  5. Impulsivity: Risky behaviours (e.g., spending, sex, substance use, binge eating).
  6. Self-Harm or Suicidal Behaviour: Common during emotional crises.
  7. Chronic Feelings of Emptiness
  8. Intense Anger or Difficulty Controlling Anger
  9. Transient Stress-Related Paranoia or Dissociation

If these things ring a bell with your partner its worth doing some research on how to approach these relationships and its also worth trying to get them into DBT

Good Reddit group also
 
I've met a couple of people with some elements of the above, to varying degrees.
It's worth getting the situation looked at, mainly because these are only potential indicators, of both BPD and of several other conditions, so it could easily be something else that's the problem. In my context, both also exhibited Narcissistic Personality traits alongside some of these above, but neither would even tolerate the suggestion that they may want to speak to a professional about it.
 
I actually dated a girl some years back with poorly managed BPD, and it was absolute hell on earth to the point that I ended up having to walk away despite genuinely caring for her.

The fact she smoked weed to "cope" probably didn't help, maybe someone better informed can share whether that's a good or a bad thing but at the time it simply seemed to make things worse but in different ways. She had a long history of risky behaviour and if I hadn't known her for as many years prior I'd never have taken the chance, and a lot of which I wasn't privy to until we got together. Turned out she'd do things like look for quick sex hook ups on random social media websites and anyone would do, no protection used either and we're talking many, many bodies simply from what she remembered while going through stages of what she described as mania. I could write a book on some of the other above features too, she'd sometimes jump between bragging about how amazing she was at something like art to questioning whether or not she was awful within the space of a few hours to a day. Was all over me for periods of time and then I'd was accused of being "super controlling" etc for so much as asking if she was alright after spontaneously going quiet for long periods of time, whenever I got tired of it and indicated that things needed to change she'd claim to be suicidal or even terminally ill at one point, I really could go on.

It's an horrendous thing to deal with for the person afflicted but as awful as this sounds I'm glad I don't have anyone in my life with the condition anymore, I actually feel bad for writing that but even thinking about it years later has me on edge.
 
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Someone I know from school has both BPD and bipolar disorder - every 2-3 years they add me as a friend on Facebook and repeat the exact same conversations as last time almost word for word then a month or so later remove me as a friend.

Unfortunately wasn't diagnosed until an adult - at school he was just thought he was an unruly disruptive pupil and always in detention, etc. and the teachers probably made it worse by the way they reacted to it.
 
Yep, someone I know from school has been diagnosed with BPD as an adult. Even though we weren't friends at school (different years) we fostered a friendship afterwards that has lasted 30+ years with varying levels of interaction, usually depending if he had a partner or not. I think because it was a long distance friendship is why it lasted, as he kept very few of his actual school friends.

But he has always been such hard work, a complete emotional black hole that suffocates the life out of you and the situation, and after 30 yrs of being there, listening, talking, supporting him....nothing ever changed. He is phenomenally intelligent, which is part of the problem, as he's just stuck in an analytical loop of his own reasoning.

So even though he's always been emotionally volatile, the tone changed over the last couple of years and he started getting jealous and resentful (I felt) over the disparity in how our lives panned out, especially financially. So after his latest breakup, he started leaning on me more, which was usual, but I ended up getting between 5 - 20 texts a day, starting from early am hours through to early hours next day. Usually over our shared passion of music/hi-fi, but we're not talking little texts, but never ending scrolling ones.

I gently tried to point out it was a bit much, with no effect, then they started getting passive aggressive, then outright digs etc and after months of that I just had enough and blocked him on every service.

That was over a year ago. It's a shame, as he was the main/only person who had the same passion as me for our hobby, but he just overwhelmingly brought negativity into my life that far outweighed any positive and after 30+yrs, I just didn't need it anymore.
 
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Dr House said:

I was Just wondering how many of you guys have come access someone with BPD, having spent the last decade working in ED I have seen quite a few patients coming in with acute MH events. I sometimes have a chat with the partners and just feel so sorry for what they have been through, in part because I have also met someone with BPD before and know how hard it can be on others.​


Some of the common features of BPD.
  1. Emotional Instability: Intense mood swings, including rapid shifts from anger to sadness or anxiety.
  2. Fear of Abandonment: Extreme efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
  3. Unstable Relationships: Idealizing someone one moment, then devaluing them the next.
  4. Distorted Self-Image: Fluctuating sense of identity or self-worth.
  5. Impulsivity: Risky behaviours (e.g., spending, sex, substance use, binge eating).
  6. Self-Harm or Suicidal Behaviour: Common during emotional crises.
  7. Chronic Feelings of Emptiness
  8. Intense Anger or Difficulty Controlling Anger
  9. Transient Stress-Related Paranoia or Dissociation

If these things ring a bell with your partner its worth doing some research on how to approach these relationships and its also worth trying to get them into DBT

Good Reddit group also
Click to expand...

Many illnesses can be devastating for the partners.

Forgive me if I am out of line here, but I think it's really important not to place the burden of a solution on the partner. It is up to the patient to sort themselves out, not the partner. Mentally ill people have this habit of drawing partners in to their illness and destroying them. A rational mind has real trouble dealing with an irrational mind. My advice would be to tell the person to get help, and be supportive, but if they ignore the advice then run a million miles. If a person does not want help then they can not be helped and your proximity will only ensure your own demise.
 
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I have a borderline personality disorder (diagnosed 22 years ago) and can confirm it is absolutely hell on earth to try and live with. :(

I'm also perimenopausal which worsened all the symptoms and has taken me to levels of hell that I didn't even know existed.

Am currently waiting on an assessment for autism too which would help explain where some of the bpd came from.

I did have DBT treatment 13 years ago which does help somewhat but nothing prepared me for the perimenopause escalating and intensifying every single part of my bpd.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
 
Pretty sure my partner has this, and to say it's hard work would be an understatement. Understanding that it's the illness rather than the person helps to distance myself from the emotional side of the situation, and setting clear boundaries on what is and isn't acceptable is very important, when she crosses those lines then I just take the kids and distance us from her until she gets a grip. Ultimately - while I'm as supportive as possible - as others have posted, it's not my job to "fix" her.

She has acknowledged a few times that she "might" have it, which I guess is a step in the right direction, but I suspect the chances of her actually taking any action to do anything about it are negligible.

If it weren't for the fact we have kids together, I'd be long gone, unfortunately we had them before it became apparent (it's definitely worsened over the years), so I guess I'm stuck (at least for the next 13 years until our youngest is old enough to escape :p)
 
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My partner has been diagnosed with BPD but does not feel as she is, she said the doctors did not want to look at anything else and classed her as BPD based on a few symptoms only.
She truly believes she is autistic (sense of justice along with social anxiety) along with PMDD which affects her mood and stress levels during certain times of the month.
Reality is, the above symptoms are in both possibilities which makes it difficult to diagnose along with their white coat syndrome (justified from a trauma injury).
She is a lovely and kind woman, but always in pain (trauma injury) and worried about things that should not affect them as heavy as it does.

Equally have known at least 2 other friends with symptoms in OP. Both completely vanished from contact and internet now, don't suspect I'll ever see them again.
 
I've wondered if my sister has it (undiagnosed). Fortunately she has found stability in her mid life by buying her own home instead of the constant need to move when renting, having a daughter who enjoys peace and quiet, avoiding any new relationships and working 2 professional careers. I honestly don't know how she fits all of that in but she is the happiest she has ever been.
 
My grandmother had a level of it, as did my Dad and one of my siblings too. So, it seems its been passed down by whatever means.
I have looked at DBT before and wanted to learn it. Its meant to help with emotional self-regulation, which is a really important thing and
often is something those afflicted with poor mental health didn't learn well in their very early years.

I totally agree that it should not be on the partner/family etc, to 'fix' or be responsible for another adult. Ultimately, I think all we can do is offer the support we are able to and let people make their own choices. All the best to anyone affected by this stuff.
 
Diagnoses like these are tricky… they are helpful for practitioners and psychologists for having a ‘ballpark’ of effective treatments / counselling methods…

… but potentially unhelpful for those that suffer with it because it can end up with people using the diagnoses to enable their behaviour, or other controlling / thrashing out.

I’ve been guilty of that sort of BS: “how could you do that… you know I will react badly because of *blob* diagnosis!” - being self aware helps, as you can call yourself out.

I don’t engage with the self-destructive behaviour usually associated with BPD, but my emotions can flip flop all over the place, seemingly at random, which can make things confusing and stressful (especially relationships). So yeah, I really don’t envy people having BPD or people that have to deal with others that do.
 
Dr House said:
I was Just wondering how many of you guys have come access someone with BPD, having spent the last decade working in ED I have seen quite a few patients coming in with acute MH events.
Click to expand...
Am I right here that ED is eating disorders?

My partner has a long and complex history of disordered eating, including gastric surgery, weight gain, weight loss, but also stacks of mental health issues surrounding/tangled up with the eating issues. Shortly after we met she had several panic attacks at work (high stress job as a teacher for profound learning disabilities) and was signed off. She eventually lost the job, long term sick and her mental health was at critical levels. I've visited her in residential clinics when she's had a crisis. I've handled panic attacks, borderline incomprehensible states after a shock, you get the picture. A lot of our early years were spent with me doing a lot of care and making a lot of effort to accommodate/build a safe space for her to recover. In parallel she's had a series of assessments, counselling, etc to try and work through it all.

In her mid-late 20s when she had a new doctor, they asked about her BPD diagnosis when she was 18 in her medical notes. She'd never been told. That was a huge shock, especially because a BPD diagnosis can have a lot of stigma attached. The challenges it presents, the sheer intensity for people around them, it's almost like a black mark when you hear about it or a doctor reads about it on your record.

We have worked through a lot and it's taken 11 years but my partner is in a very very good place compared to the lows we've seen. On reflection she questions the diagnosis as at 18 years old there are other things at play and the person is still developing. But I very much see the harrowing experience it can put you through and impact on your loved ones.
 
SpellowHouse said:
Many illnesses can be devastating for the partners.

Forgive me if I am out of line here, but I think it's really important not to place the burden of a solution on the partner. It is up to the patient to sort themselves out, not the partner. Mentally ill people have this habit of drawing partners in to their illness and destroying them. A rational mind has real trouble dealing with an irrational mind. My advice would be to tell the person to get help, and be supportive, but if they ignore the advice then run a million miles. If a person does not want help then they can not be helped and your proximity will only ensure your own demise.
Click to expand...

This is a good point and I agree.

Many of the bad BPD women I have been with are utterly intoxicating at first, but the level of what I can only describe as narcissism alongside it and their treatment of others quickly makes me realise they are beyond help or redemption.

I asked a Dr I was with when dealing with one person who was pretending to want to commit suicide, and he explained that for someone in that state, they are feeling pain, but they don’t want to say that, so they insist other people feel pain, hence the “I’m killing myself and if you don’t love me it’s your fault I’m dead!!”

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You try and help them once, if they refuse to want to be helped, you leave and never go back.

I’ve seen people struggle with BPD and get better, but I’ve seen more people relish in it and not care who they are hurting.

Were they not calling it EUPD at one point? It felt more fitting.
 
It must be awful having BPD. Not being able to regulate your emotions must suck and it also has a really bad stigma in the mental health field as people think you are just making things up or being manipulative all the time.
 
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