Looking for advice...

[Gray2233]

I’m not sure that ‘not paying him’ was worth it.

The fact people put up with the sort of behaviour the OP is describing is a big part of the reason these people act in the ways they do.

@Shep_Cobain do you have a Ring doorbell or cameras at your property?

This. If you don't own one get one set up and make sure it's recording.

I just had 2 missed calls at work and a message saying he will come to my house.

I said the following:

I’m at work until Wednesday and can’t answer calls.

I’ve already made my position clear — I won’t be paying and I’m not discussing this, or the reasons why, any further.

Do not come to my house.

I’m not spending any more time or energy on this.

He replied saying this:

Its gone way past the money, cya Wednesday.

I replied:

If you come to my house on Christmas Eve when I am spending time with my family, I will be ringing the Police. This is the last time I will message or reply.

I feel physically poorly and im shaking with anger.

You have more than enough instances of him being aggressive and crossing boundaries, file a report with the police in advance. I mentioned this earlier, make records of any interactions you have with him online/over the phone/in person. Record with your phone as well as setting up a ring doorbell system, it's cheap and easy to do.

There was never, ever going to be a future with someone like this where you'd not end up going down the same path eventually.

It's rough but you're not the one in the wrong, and you're finally at the point of flushing this parasite out of your life.

 

[MartinPrince]

From what I've seen appeasement rarely works when dealing with unreasonable people like the OP has described.

Whether the "perp" was paid or not it sounds like this "friendship" was going to come to a head sooner or later.

The OP just has to be prepared; record everything i.e. have phone voice recorder in pocket etc. It might sound clichéd but stay calm whatever else comes your way.

 

[Shep_Cobain]

After I made it clear that I was at work, would not be paying, and would not be discussing this any further, I received the following message:

“I will just come to yours. I’m not going to let this rest until it’s sorted.”

At that point, I replied:

“I’m at work until Wednesday and can’t answer calls.
I’ve already made my position clear — I won’t be paying and I’m not discussing this, or the reasons why, any further.
Do not come to my house.
I’m not spending any more time or energy on this.”

The response to that was:

“It’s gone way past the money. Trust me.”
“Trust me, it isn’t done.”
“Can’t say what you have. See you Wednesday.”

I then replied once more, solely because of the implication of turning up at my home:

“If you come to my house when I am spending time with my family, I will be ringing the police. This is the last time I will message or reply.”

Following that, I received the following messages in quick succession:

“Ring them.”
“Fine by me.”
“What are you going to say? You’ve done me over for £100 and won’t answer the phone?”
“Could have been sorted weeks ago, but you’ve left it.”

“You’re not just a friend — you’re the godfather to my son. Clearly none of this means anything, or you would have sorted this before any of this mess.”

Later that same day, I then received this longer message:

“Not the way I thought my year would end for us. I can tell from how you’ve been that this is nothing to you, but to me I’m hurt. I’ve thought about it a lot and it’s upset me when I think about the whole thing and how you’ve been for so long — forgetting a birthday, the list of things I’ve done and not done, the damage to the vehicle that you forgot about. I think maybe this is what you wanted to happen. No other reason for it.

Friends simply don’t treat friends this way. You have the ability to just turn it off and that’s fine. I’m gutted I’ve lost my best mate. You played a big part in our lives for years, main man at my wedding, but more importantly I’m heartbroken for my child. I’ll get accused of blackmailing if I mention my child, but I know how much he adores you. He and the girls ask to see you, FaceTime you again — you never come to see him, never nip in when you’re on the estate, never FaceTime to see him, and that makes me cry. Not for me, but for him. You don’t care about any of this, but I want you to know we do.

Have a good Christmas.”

 

[tom_e]

Sounds like he's decided threats don't work so he's going for emotional blackmail now.

I wouldn't be responding anymore he's said his piece, walk away.

 

[Gray2233]

You took a hard stance and he backed down and resorted to emotional blackmail.

Time to move on, I would still grab the ring doorbell/camera etc just to be 100% but the aggression turning into passive manipulation means you're likely going to be grand.

The latter part about the crying kids etc, that sounds so incredibly extreme it's almost like he's suggesting co-dependency is healthy. Very weird ****, be done and move on, your priorities are you and your family not his.

 

[EvilRob]

He's created a story where you are the emotionally detached, indifferent person wounding him and his family over £100 because of your terrible character despite the fact he could just as easily let it go. It's pure coercion.

You seem to keep telling him you aren't going to reply anymore and then replying...

 

[Mr Badger]

I then replied once more, solely because of the implication of turning up at my home:

“If you come to my house when I am spending time with my family, I will be ringing the police. This is the last time I will message or reply.”

Following that, I received the following messages in quick succession:

“Ring them.”
“Fine by me.”
“What are you going to say? You’ve done me over for £100 and won’t answer the phone?”

So he's come down from £120 to £100. Good to see some real progress being made.

 

[aaronyuri]

You took a hard stance and he backed down and resorted to emotional blackmail.

Time to move on, I would still grab the ring doorbell/camera etc just to be 100% but the aggression turning into passive manipulation means you're likely going to be grand.

The latter part about the crying kids etc, that sounds so incredibly extreme it's almost like he's suggesting co-dependency is healthy. Very weird ****, be done and move on, your priorities are you and your family not his.

But we are only seeing one side of the story and not all the history.

For me, based on the OP's most recent reply, it sounds like there is a lot of history between the OP and the other person, and that this is a complicated situation due to possible past friendship transgressions by both parties. Tit for tat, as you would say.

It's easy to look at a situation like this from one side and decide the other side is wrong.

OP, did you damage this person's car at some point in the past and they chose to let it go? Or is something else implied by what's being said?

 

[Mr Badger]

But we are only seeing one side of the story and not all the history.

For me, based on the OP's most recent reply, it sounds like there is a lot of history between the OP and the other person, and that this is a complicated situation due to possible past friendship transgressions by both parties. Tit for tat, as you would say.

It's easy to look at a situation like this from one side and decide the other side is wrong.

OP, did you damage this person's car at some point in the past and they chose to let it go? Or is something else implied by what's being said?

I can't believe you'd loan me your car without telling me it had a blind spot. I could've been killed!

 

[Delta3D]

But we are only seeing one side of the story and not all the history.

For me, based on the OP's most recent reply, it sounds like there is a lot of history between the OP and the other person, and that this is a complicated situation due to possible past friendship transgressions by both parties. Tit for tat, as you would say.

It's easy to look at a situation like this from one side and decide the other side is wrong.

OP, did you damage this person's car at some point in the past and they chose to let it go? Or is something else implied by what's being said?

Regardless of history, threatening someone over £120 is just absurd, insane and pretty much psychotic. If your friendship with him was that damaged already from the past you wouldn't be spending an entire day working on a project together.

This dudes a psychopath in my opinion.

Police and block him is my two cents.

 

[ANDREW GREEN]

After I made it clear that I was at work, would not be paying, and would not be discussing this any further, I received the following message:

“I will just come to yours. I’m not going to let this rest until it’s sorted.”

At that point, I replied:

“I’m at work until Wednesday and can’t answer calls.
I’ve already made my position clear — I won’t be paying and I’m not discussing this, or the reasons why, any further.
Do not come to my house.
I’m not spending any more time or energy on this.”

The response to that was:

“It’s gone way past the money. Trust me.”
“Trust me, it isn’t done.”
“Can’t say what you have. See you Wednesday.”

I then replied once more, solely because of the implication of turning up at my home:

“If you come to my house when I am spending time with my family, I will be ringing the police. This is the last time I will message or reply.”

Following that, I received the following messages in quick succession:

“Ring them.”
“Fine by me.”
“What are you going to say? You’ve done me over for £100 and won’t answer the phone?”
“Could have been sorted weeks ago, but you’ve left it.”

“You’re not just a friend — you’re the godfather to my son. Clearly none of this means anything, or you would have sorted this before any of this mess.”

Later that same day, I then received this longer message:

“Not the way I thought my year would end for us. I can tell from how you’ve been that this is nothing to you, but to me I’m hurt. I’ve thought about it a lot and it’s upset me when I think about the whole thing and how you’ve been for so long — forgetting a birthday, the list of things I’ve done and not done, the damage to the vehicle that you forgot about. I think maybe this is what you wanted to happen. No other reason for it.

Friends simply don’t treat friends this way. You have the ability to just turn it off and that’s fine. I’m gutted I’ve lost my best mate. You played a big part in our lives for years, main man at my wedding, but more importantly I’m heartbroken for my child. I’ll get accused of blackmailing if I mention my child, but I know how much he adores you. He and the girls ask to see you, FaceTime you again — you never come to see him, never nip in when you’re on the estate, never FaceTime to see him, and that makes me cry. Not for me, but for him. You don’t care about any of this, but I want you to know we do.

Have a good Christmas.”

Mate after all the advice on this thread why are you entertaining this manipulative scumbag? He's threatened you and now moved on to emotional blackmail. You really should have reported him. But I suppose it seems he's all mouth and no follow through, but never forget he threatened you. And even if it wasn't violent he threatened to ruin your families comfort at Christmas of all times.

 

[ANDREW GREEN]

But we are only seeing one side of the story and not all the history.

For me, based on the OP's most recent reply, it sounds like there is a lot of history between the OP and the other person, and that this is a complicated situation due to possible past friendship transgressions by both parties. Tit for tat, as you would say.

It's easy to look at a situation like this from one side and decide the other side is wrong.

OP, did you damage this person's car at some point in the past and they chose to let it go? Or is something else implied by what's being said?

Maybe OP has also been shagging this fellas wife. The other wife couldn't bare to see her lovers wife at the theatre because of this. Do you feckon he really said 'Bro I helped you build your new bathroom and now my woman's pipes don't work because of you, I demand £120 for my recompense and satisfaction'

 

[Purgatory]

After I made it clear that I was at work, would not be paying, and would not be discussing this any further, I received the following message:

“I will just come to yours. I’m not going to let this rest until it’s sorted.”

At that point, I replied:

“I’m at work until Wednesday and can’t answer calls.
I’ve already made my position clear — I won’t be paying and I’m not discussing this, or the reasons why, any further.
Do not come to my house.
I’m not spending any more time or energy on this.”

The response to that was:

“It’s gone way past the money. Trust me.”
“Trust me, it isn’t done.”
“Can’t say what you have. See you Wednesday.”

I then replied once more, solely because of the implication of turning up at my home:

“If you come to my house when I am spending time with my family, I will be ringing the police. This is the last time I will message or reply.”

Following that, I received the following messages in quick succession:

“Ring them.”
“Fine by me.”
“What are you going to say? You’ve done me over for £100 and won’t answer the phone?”
“Could have been sorted weeks ago, but you’ve left it.”

“You’re not just a friend — you’re the godfather to my son. Clearly none of this means anything, or you would have sorted this before any of this mess.”

Later that same day, I then received this longer message:

“Not the way I thought my year would end for us. I can tell from how you’ve been that this is nothing to you, but to me I’m hurt. I’ve thought about it a lot and it’s upset me when I think about the whole thing and how you’ve been for so long — forgetting a birthday, the list of things I’ve done and not done, the damage to the vehicle that you forgot about. I think maybe this is what you wanted to happen. No other reason for it.

Friends simply don’t treat friends this way. You have the ability to just turn it off and that’s fine. I’m gutted I’ve lost my best mate. You played a big part in our lives for years, main man at my wedding, but more importantly I’m heartbroken for my child. I’ll get accused of blackmailing if I mention my child, but I know how much he adores you. He and the girls ask to see you, FaceTime you again — you never come to see him, never nip in when you’re on the estate, never FaceTime to see him, and that makes me cry. Not for me, but for him. You don’t care about any of this, but I want you to know we do.

Have a good Christmas.”

Cut all contact with this person now. This final statement from him says enough now for you to stop contacting him and his family. This is a narcissist you are dealing with and is now using emotional blackmail, this he should have thought of right from the start and said to you don't worry about the payment and you owe me one another time and let things be, but he's now using this to make you pay. It's all about the money and his narcissism.


If he turns up at your home or work or any family member call the police and report him.

Sadly this relationship is over and now you know what this person really is. It's disgusting all of it now and the earlier threats he made.

Sorry to hear all this now and sadly some sick people in the world trying to take advantage of their friends and family members. Not people you want to associate yourself or your family with.

 

[aaronyuri]

Regardless of history, threatening someone over £120 is just absurd, insane and pretty much psychotic. If your friendship with him was that damaged already from the past you wouldn't be spending an entire day working on a project together.

This dudes a psychopath in my opinion.

Police and block him is my two cents.

It can be read in multiple ways - this is the problem with texts. He could just want to talk face to face and put this to bed. I don't think the texts that have been described are conclusively threatening - they could imply it but that could be a simple misunderstanding.

If you had a seemingly great friendship and it suddenly evaporated before your eyes because of a bit of money, would you be a bit confused? I know I would.

Solely based on the OP's description of events, this doesn't make sense unless this guy has gone off the rails. You can call it emotional blackmail or you could call it someone that is genuinely hurting and confused, and wants to resolve the situation and fight for this friendship that they value.

But this is an idiotic place to post such a question, because the obvious answer, based on limited information, is that this guy has lost it and that should be the end of it. But it's not. Why does the OP keep replying? Because he clearly values/valued the friendship. That means there's history and this isn't simple.

This post has a fraction of the facts, next to zero of the history of the friendship, and knee jerk reactions in nearly every post. Pointless thread is pointless.

And I say this as someone that already said to bin said person off (https://forums.overclockers.co.uk/threads/looking-for-advice.19009373/post-38132235), but the neverending nature of this situation has changed my mind.

 

[Shep_Cobain]

But we are only seeing one side of the story and not all the history.

For me, based on the OP's most recent reply, it sounds like there is a lot of history between the OP and the other person, and that this is a complicated situation due to possible past friendship transgressions by both parties. Tit for tat, as you would say.

It's easy to look at a situation like this from one side and decide the other side is wrong.

OP, did you damage this person's car at some point in the past and they chose to let it go? Or is something else implied by what's being said?

No, what he's referring to there was many moons ago. I had 10 rubble sacks full of soil and hardcore. I had a price for someone to remove them. His dad had a pickup truck on lease through his convenience store which was used to pick up supplies from wholesalers. My friend also used this as his main car. As he only worked half days at his dad's shop, he suggested we take the sacks in his truck to the tip. We loaded the sacks and when closing the boot lid, we noticed a small scratch on it. We presumed one of us had done it when loading the bags. I felt bad as he was helping me, so I bought a colour match touch up pen and we fixed it.

 

[Shep_Cobain]

It can be read in multiple ways - this is the problem with texts. He could just want to talk face to face and put this to bed. I don't think the texts that have been described are conclusively threatening - they could imply it but that could be a simple misunderstanding.

If you had a seemingly great friendship and it suddenly evaporated before your eyes because of a bit of money, would you be a bit confused? I know I would.

Solely based on the OP's description of events, this doesn't make sense unless this guy has gone off the rails. You can call it emotional blackmail or you could call it someone that is genuinely hurting and confused, and wants to resolve the situation and fight for this friendship that they value.

But this is an idiotic place to post such a question, because the obvious answer, based on limited information, is that this guy has lost it and that should be the end of it. But it's not. Why does the OP keep replying? Because he clearly values/valued the friendship. That means there's history and this isn't simple.

This post has a fraction of the facts, next to zero of the history of the friendship, and knee jerk reactions in nearly every post. Pointless thread is pointless.

And I say this as someone that already said to bin said person off (https://forums.overclockers.co.uk/threads/looking-for-advice.19009373/post-38132235), but the neverending nature of this situation has changed my mind.

I suppose you're right. I value friendships or what I believed were friendships and from the beginning said to this person I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. But, he has continued despite me trying to tell him I will not discuss any further.

I have never seen anyone succesfully raise a concern or problem with him and for him to be able to take any form of feedback or criticism without flying off the handle and falling out with the individual.

This is the 3rd time he has been unreasonable or bent the truth over the years to suit him and make me feel the one who is in the wrong, hence why I have asked for advice. I am beginning to question myself and wondering, is it me?

 

[Kelt]

We turning this in to pay per view?

Hopefully not pay per pew.

 

[petridish]

This is the 3rd time he has been unreasonable or bent the truth over the years to suit him and make me feel the one who is in the wrong, hence why I have asked for advice. I am beginning to question myself and wondering, is it me?

From what I've read here my impression is you're the type of person who will question yourself being in the wrong and he simply isn't. Try not to beat yourself up with (imo unnecessary) thoughts of guilt. I say that as someone who would do just that in a similar situation.

 

[413x]

I feel with his last reply you've hopefully got a get out.

He's threatened.. He's moved on to emotional black mail, but at the end he's parked it.
Sounds a bit unstable to me.

I would no longer reply. As in no more at all.
And hope that's the last of it.

 

[bloodiedathame]

This is the 3rd time he has been unreasonable or bent the truth over the years to suit him and make me feel the one who is in the wrong, hence why I have asked for advice. I am beginning to question myself and wondering, is it me?

This is textbook what gaslighting makes you feel like.

What does your wife think about all this?