Your Dad gets in touch after 30 years. What would you do?

I would lean towards meeting him, out of pity / concern if nothing else. But then I'm nice to strangers too. For me the answer would be less about whether or not I wanted to meet him and more if I could meet him without my life getting pulled off balance into being involved with a new family environment that wouldn't let me out again. If you can, I think agreeing to meet would be the decent thing to do. But ultimately, none of us can say just how upsetting this might be for you, only you can try and guess that.
 
It's a difficult one and ultimately only you can decide. If it were my decision I think I would meet him that once. Meeting him doesn't have to mean to forgive him or even acknowledge him as your father. Good luck.
 
Just be careful, if you decide to see him, go in with your head on straight.

By the sounds of it, you are doing well, that side of the family are a bunch of scabs, people like that are very good at trying to be nice to you etc, only to try and get money or otherwise leech of you.

Good example is you get some sob story f how he missed you and regrets everything, wasn't his fault etc, then explains how he needs some kind of operation for health, but can't afford it etc etc.

I'm not saying the above will happen, but if you don't go in, with a straight head, well, yea you know what I'm saying.

Good luck either way.
 
Only you can decide, it depends if you have been thinking/wondering about him or if you have never given him a second thought.

Whatever you do decide I would certainly keep your family distanced to start with if your last dealings with 'that' side are anything to go by.
 
First, thing that pops into my head is money, 911, 3 top hits on liinkedin google, you sound like you're doing well for yourself. Whatever happens, if money is mentioned, walk away.

However, i have 2 sides to me, a real nasty **** you kind of side that says it's all BS and ignore it, who needs that kind of hassle in life! The other side of me says, people make mistakes, sometimes it takes a long time to figure out how to deal with them and maybe it's worth the risk to see him.

Have you spoken to your mum about it?

You say you don't have kids, I have 2 and you're right, I couldn't live without them but a small part of me does think if anything happened would they be better off without me and this back and forth in their lives, could I cope mentally saying goodbye each time? You really don't know what you would do until it's happening, and there may be stuff that happened between your mum and dad that you don't know about. Maybe she told him to stay away or maybe he thought that keeping you away from that side to his life would be better for you, and it certainly has been.

Why doesn't he phone you and have a chat over the phone?
 
sound like you have managed fine without any input....family is strange I suppose

I have had no issues, come from a large family...but I find I dont need to go see them that often. My wifes see her parents several times a a week..I might see mine once a fortnight. Its just who you are I think, I have always been an independant person and am very happy that way. Maybe its being the eldest child thing, by the tine the younger siblings come along you kind of get on with things whilst the new children get all the attention!
 
Maccapacca said:
He's selfish and put you in an awkward position to suit him. I'd not even bother with a response and take care of your family.
Click to expand...

Snap. I have relatives on both sides of the Atlantic that attempt contact every few years - usually after my clueless sister has mentioned that I’ve purchased a new “X” on FB and the grasping toe rags think they can sponge a few quid from me.
 
I'd go and see what he has to say. You're an adult now, what harm could it do? You only get one father and if he's dying then you might regret it if you don't.
 
I've had a similar situation to OPs. Father kicked my mother and I out of the family home when I was 5 and we ended up in a homeless hostel in Camden. I had since reconciled with him prior to his onset of dementia and ultimately his death in late 2015.

Like OP; my hazy memories as a child prior to that break were good. If I'm honest I got little resolution from him even before his mind went.

I would see him; just you. Good luck.
 
@Vince

As people get older and situations change, they often contemplate their life choices to coincide with maturity of thought. Maybe he has reached this point.

Some people move into a destructive lifestyle, others move away from it.

The question isn't just about the here and now; but how will you feel in 10-20-30 years if you don't meet him?

You meet him, hear him out and can then make an informed decision. At worst you decide there is no relationship or contact going forward.

If you don't meet him, you have a decision you may regret in time.
 
I mean this is a decision only you can make, for me personally I wouldn't. Those posters saying to go for it or to go alone also make valid points and there really isn't a right answer here.
 
I would meet him, but have your guard up big time and if he shows any intent that the reason for wanting to meet is anything but of good consequence to yourself, bail out.

Meet in a neutral location, and be careful about what you tell him to limit any exposure and give yourself a chance to cut all ties if necessary.
 
I'd do it. Only because might help you, though. However it goes down, at least you're not left wondering.

Has to be balanced out with the potential for bringing hassle into your life, though. Keep it ring-fenced as much as you can from the rest of your life. Or just don't risk it if you think that's not workable.

Do whatever you think you'll regret the least.
 
I'd keep the whole thing from any family as anything said would be based on personal feuds and also could potentially cause prejudiced views of him. Go and see him, see what he has to say, it might just be a making peace for screwing up all those years ago, any talk of wanting money walk away - however that is easier to judge until you're there, it's difficult to not show personal wealth and get to show yourself to him if he is innocently asking about you and your family, showing pictures, etc.

Perhaps there is a family out there he wants you to get to know, once again difficult to judge, but if I had brothers and sisters out there I'd want to know and meet them, however once again echoing the whole money debate. Is there also the possibility that he has tried to contact your mother and she hasn't passed this onto you - as much as you may get on with her is there a possibility that she has tried to keep this from you to "protect" you?
 
Speaking for myself, my Father died when I was 12, I would do anything to have contact with him now, you can always distance yourself if it doesn't work out but if he dies and in 10 years you figure out you wanted to it is too late.
 
My opinion (from experience):

He's your biological father, not your dad, and hasn't been part of your life for years.

That ship has sailed, and he's not going to bring anything constructive into your life, only pain.
 
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