Talking about terminal cancer with kids

[haaammit]

Allo. Bit of a crappy post, but here we are. Back in March my best mate was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. Prognosis/outlook is 18 months with an aggressive chemo regime, which he is just over half way through. He's lost a lot of weight, and is of course very tired a lot of the time.

We spend a fair amount of time at his house, the kids even have their own bedroom there. When he first got his prognosis, he was of the opinion of not telling the kids outright, but slowly get them used to seeing him become more ill/poorly with a view to ease them into it/answering their questions as they raised them etc. One of the reasons for this is I lost another mate to lung cancer in Dec 2020 and one of the teachers at the kid's school (actually one of my son's teachers as it happens) died suddenly in Feb, also of cancer, so he didn't want to upset them more. Obviously he's the one who is going to die, so has the most say in how we broach it with the kids.

Kids are 7 and 11, the oldest has just started high school (another reason not to worry them). We were hoping that after our last stay at my friend's over the summer holidays the kids might start asking questions as to why is he looking so thin, why is he tired, what's wrong with him, so we could start the process of explaining to them, but so far they've not asked.

I'm really not sure on how to start/what to do/who to turn to for guidance. Should we now tell them, will they be resentful if we don't tell them? I don't really know the point of this post, but if nothing else it does help to write stuff down. I'm also trying to come to terms with the fact that he's not going to be here much longer. We met over 30 years ago, he was my best man, he's godfather to both the kids, all that stuff.

Sorry, this has gone waffly. I'd appreciate any pointers/help though, as I'm really at a loss atm :/

 

[TrojanWhore]

That's a horrible situation to be in, I'm so sorry for your (impending) loss....

I assume you mean they are both your kids, not his. Did they know/understand the reason that your other friend/their teacher died? If so then I would think that as crappy a lesson it is to have to learn so young, that they are somewhat aware of what it means.
If I were in your position I would discuss it first with your friend to make sure he is onboard, then (assuming he is) sit them down and have an open and honest talk with them about it. If he's willing it might be better for them if he were also present, so that they know it is an open dialogue between you all and that they don't need to feel like they 'can't' ask those questions.
There is a chance they are already somewhat aware but don't feel comfortable raising the subject. It could also allow them to better appreciate the time they have left together.

I lost a close friend to lung cancer when he was about 22/23 (a few years younger than me) and I knew very shortly after his diagnosis, I really feel that being able to talk openly with him in the months (/year) prior to him passing helped me to deal with it better, both for myself and being better able to be there for his family and other close friends at the time.
In his case, due to the drugs (chemo and painkillers), he stopped being so 'himself' in the last few months - I'm ashamed to admit it but I kind of pulled back at that point because I couldn't handle it, but I'm extremely grateful for the many late nights I was able to spend with him before that.

No doubt it will hurt them to some extent, but I think they'd be more hurt in the long run by the shock of it or by being kept in the dark.

That's just my two cents, I'm sure there are others here that unfortunately have more experience in that regard.

Sorry again for your bad news, I hope he has as many good months as possible in front of him

Edit: Obviously with them being so young it's not the same situation I went through at all...as I said hopefully others can weigh in.

And if you need to talk to someone rather than burdening him/the kids with your feelings, I'd be quite happy to facilitate that, trust me if you want to get in touch in private and I'll respond as soon as I can!

 

[ivrytwr3]

There's loads of guidance out there that will help.

For me, i lost my my mum in her late 40's and she came home instead of going into a hospice.

I was in my teens when this happened and oblivious to anything outside of my own world - nobody told me what was happening. I just knew they had set her up in a downstairs room and i just went about in my own world, never thinking the worst.

I just wish somebody had told me what was going on and then maybe i could have spent more time with her. I did towards the very end, but lost time earlier.

Kids are a lot more smart than they used to be and they can also do their own research on the internet, chat to friends etc.

I would have liked to be told that mum had cancer, she only has x amount of time left and also what will happen to me, other siblings etc ie will we be ok, will we have to move etc.

That will prepare the kids and will also allow them to form their own questions from their own worries. And then spend time together.

Sorry for your friend

 

[ianh]

There's loads of guidance out there that will help.

For me, i lost my my mum in her late 40's and she came home instead of going into a hospice.

I was in my teens when this happened and oblivious to anything outside of my own world - nobody told me what was happening. I just knew they had set her up in a downstairs room and i just went about in my own world, never thinking the worst.

I just wish somebody had told me what was going on and then maybe i could have spent more time with her. I did towards the very end, but lost time earlier.

Kids are a lot more smart than they used to be and they can also do their own research on the internet, chat to friends etc.

I would have liked to be told that mum had cancer, she only has x amount of time left and also what will happen to me, other siblings etc ie will we be ok, will we have to move etc.

That will prepare the kids and will also allow them to form their own questions from their own worries. And then spend time together.

Sorry for your friend

I was exactly the same boat and also wished I'd been told. I was in my last year of high school studying for my GCSE's when my Mum died and about 13-ish when she was given her prognosis but, maybe understandably looking back, neither my younger sister nor I were told anything about this until the day of her passing - literally pulled out of school by a family friend and met at our house by my devastated dad who told us mum wasn't expected to last the night.

Afterwards I was filled with far more anger than grief - I'd gone from "everything is fine" to "Mum's dead" within a few hours and, being just 15, I misplaced that anger into a whole manner of stupid/unhealthy things as I lashed out over the next year or so leading to a harsh breakdown in my relationship with my dad which took about 5 years to really heal back. Over 30 years later and it's still my biggest regret that I wasn't told and therefore missed out on so much time that I would have spent with her, it almost felt like that time had been stolen and that thought process is what cycled into anger rather than healthier grief. It was worse for my younger sister who was just starting puberty at the time and lost that close family access to a woman to talk to, to confide in etc but she handled things far better than I did afterwards.

Obviously everyone handles things differently so I'm not saying "tell the kids" is the best way forward for all kids but I thought I'd give my experiences of "surprise cancer death" from the kids side.

 

[mid_gen]

Personally, I would tell them. It will be an upsetting experience, but life isn't all roses and you don't help by hiding reality from them.

If anything, people that deal with this sort of thing in their youth develop a resilience that is rarely found elsewhere and sets them up well for life.

Kids are mentally elastic, at 7 and 11 they're quite capable of understanding and processing it, and learning from it. The Father-in-law died a couple of weeks ago after years of illness, his grandkids are 6 and 11, and they've dealt with it fine, it's the adults that are struggling....

Sorry to hear about your friend.

 

[gailjon]

Children are far more resilient with this information than we are led to believe. As a teacher I see many children who face this situation and are strong and mature about it. I would absolutely tell them and quickly. Make sure that the school know as well so that they can help there if necessary

That fact that so many contributors on here have gone through that situation and all say the same thing should tell you something. It's an awful situation to be in but I think as adults we can be overly protective of what we see as emotionally vulnerable children when in fact they are able to absorb and deal with bad news and events far more readily than we believe. Just look at the number of child refugees who excel at school despite losing everything in their lives.

Best wishes to the family for everything they are going through.

 

[Dis86]

No advice but so sorry for your friend and those like yourself, that know him.

 

[omnomnom]

My mum died when I was 11 and I didn’t know a thing about it until I was alone in a room at hospital being told. Last year at the age of 33 I was diagnosed with PTSD. I still to this day remember the words and images in that room…horrible.

Personally, if it was me I’d tell my children but be very VERY careful with the wording.

Also, I’m very sorry to hear about your friend. It must be an awful situation to be in.

 

[tres]

Be honest with them. Let them get upset, let them ask questions, let them begin to process it with ample time.

I work in palliative care and sadly see lots of grieving children.
Children are remarkable, they are resilient, this is a necessary part of life that you can make better by being open and encouraging them to talk.

 

[haaammit]

Yes, I should have clarified the kids are mine.

Thank you for the words/advice, it's all helping. I'm seeing my mate tomorrow, so we'll try and work something out.

 

[Hodders]

There are charities and support groups specifically to help with this issue. Talk to them and take advice on what works best long term for the children.

All the best, it's a hard position to be in