Tuesdays Joke ?

Got one I found via reddit but had to edit the swearys out for here.


I Hate My Job

My job is so ******* unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the ******* stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big ******* dog to work. Every ******* day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single ******* day.

Anyway, I drive these **** tards around in my van and we solve mysteries and ****.
Click to expand...
:D
 
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.

“In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
 
Raist said:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.

“In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Click to expand...

Awesome!:D
 
Little boy comes home from school & asks Grandad if he's got anything from WW2 as they are doing it at school & have been asked to take some memorabilia in.

Grandad says Hmmmmmmm let me think

Cmon Grandad I want something different to everyone else

I know says Grandad I think I have still got my army greatcoat in the loft

Only problem is it's likely to be damp & mouldy as it's covering the tank

GRANDAD!! you've got a TANK!!!!!!!?????
 
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
 
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"
 
A wife is doing the dishes when her husband bursts into the house and yells, "Pack your bags, sweetheart, I just won the lottery!!!"

"Oh that's wonderful!" she says, "should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care... just get out!!!"
 
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
 
Last year, I arranged to meet up with a 16 year old girl I’d chatted to online, who said she was looking for a 21 year old guy to sleep with.

Imagine my horror when we met, to find that "she" was actually a black man, who then proceeded to rape me in the most humiliating and painful way imaginable.

Fortunately, I was able to have the last laugh.

I’m actually 22.
 
Another oldie..

A man is pulled over for speeding. The Police officer steps out, approaches the driver's window, and tells him:

"Sir, this is the last time I'm going to pull anyone over. I'm retiring at the end of this shift, which finishes in 30 minutes. I'm naturally in a good mood, so tell me something that explains your speeding, and if I haven't heard it before in all my 30 years of Policing the roads, I'll let you go."

"Well, officer" the man replies "My wife ran away with a Police Officer, and when I saw your lights in my mirror, I thought you were bringing her back to me!"

"Good night, sir. Drive safe."
 
I was working at a fuel station one hot afternoon when I noticed a guy filling his car up whilst smoking a cigarette !

I shouted to this guy over the intercom "Put the dam cigarette out you idiot !" to which the guy realising what he was doing panic'd and pulled out the fuel nozzle and managed to spray fuel over his arm and drop the cigarette onto his arm at the same time, his arm catching fire obviously.

Behind him at the same time was a police car, out of which a police officer got out and promptly arrested the culprit.

He was arrested for being in possession of a firearm !
 
A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel, they start to undress and he says, "God, I never realised that your boobs were this small." The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out.

While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall, The first man says, "Hey, What happened?"

"Well I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight, and all I said was, Oh I never knew your arse was that big, and she just threw me out just like that".

Just then a third guy also on his wedding night like the first to guys, comes storming out into the hall. "Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?" Ask the two men already outside.

"No" says the third guy, "But I bloody well could have."
 
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