Whats your Favourite joke

Exentia

Exentia

Exentia

Soldato
Joined
27 Sep 2004
Posts
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Bristol
Now then, Im sat in work and bored to tears, so i need some decent jokes and after reading the blonde jokes thread (which is hysterical but not for the jokes ;) ) i though id start a thread containing nothing but your fav jokes, so start posting em, ill start:

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods, the bear looks to the rabbit and says "do you have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?" "no" replies the rabbit. So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

:D

Come on post your favourite jokes!!!
 
Michael Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.
Peter Sellers: Oh, is he dead?
Bentine: I think so.
Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?
Bentine: All right. Just a minute.
Sound of two gun shots.
Bentine: He's dead.

Spike Milligan... what a legend
 
2 sausages rolling down a hill, one says to the other "so mate where do you live?" other replies "im not telling you! you might come round and steal my washing"

or best ever

2 cows in a field one cow says to the other "moo" other cow says " I was just about to say that!"
 
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting
off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent *******," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids." :p :p
 
greenlizard0 said:
What's brown and sticky?

A Stick!!

What happened to the frog that broke down?

He got toad away.
Click to expand...


Actually young man, it's a brown stick.


How do you get pikachu on the bus?
POKEMON



One night a wino was wandering the streets looking for a place to sleep for the night. He was so tired that he ended up crashing in the parking lot of a gay club.

That night two drunk patrons are walking to their car and see the wino crashed out by the back dumpster. They walk over to him, flip him over and [engage in a homosexual act].When they are done they slip $10 in his pocket and walk away.

The next morning the wino wakes up and finds $10 in his pocket. He rushes over to the nearest liquor store and says, "Give me $10 of your cheapest liquor!". The clerk obliges.

That night he falls asleep in the same parking lot. At the end of the evening the same two patrons walk out of the bar and see him again. They walk over to him, flip him over and start doing [the same aforementioned act], but this time they leave $20 for him.

The next morning the wino finds the money and goes to the same liquor store and says, "Give me $20 of your best liquor. The clerk looks at him and says, "You could get more if you get the cheap stuff. The wino replies, "I know, but that cheap stuff makes my [bottom] hurt."

**edited as it's before the watershed
 
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney.

Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split.

"He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped?

"Shes running around in circles", according to a close friend, she will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this?

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it is believed that she wont have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may Have been the cause. Shes terrible a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was The cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "He would get home at night and find her legless."

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the Present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new Prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.

Mrs Mills McCartney is reported to be expecting a $300 million divorce settlement. Proves she really has landed on her feet.

Apparently she wants to keep the plane he bought her for Christmas, she says she'll buy her own Immac for the other leg.
 
a man was born with 5 willies, he was not too upset as his underpants fitted him like a glove



what is black and white and eats like a horse?..............A Zebra
 
Two parrots sitting on a Perch.
One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"


A clown goes to see his doctor and says
"Do I look funny to you?"


A man goes into a pub with a flamingo under one arm and a cat under the other. He goes over to the bar and as he's about to order a drink the cat extends it front leg and puts its paw over the mans mouth! The cat then says "A pint for me and the man, the flamingo is paying!"
All night this goes on with the cat placing the orders and the flamingo paying... Towards the end of the night the man goes to the toilet alone so the barman follows him to get some answers. The barman asked the man whats the deal with the cat and flamingo to which the man replies. "I was walking down the road one day when I found a magic lamp that granted me one wish!" The barman amazed at this asks "what did you wish for"

The man replies "A bird with long legs and a tight pussy!"
 
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned. "You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied, "You can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad, "replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Brian.

"Well, just relax and let it happen." And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian! Wake up, you drunk *******, you're ****ting the bed."
 
My favourite Hmmm

Possibly:

Man walks into the Doctors with a steering wheel down his underpants and says "You have to help me Doc, it's driving me nuts"
 
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