Best man at a wedding Saturday - speech evaluation appreciated

Rotty

Rotty

Rotty

Don
Joined
18 Oct 2002
Posts
42,142
Location
Notts
Any input would be good, too long, too short, any alterations/improvements I can make , any mistakes , good bits , bad bits etc
 
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Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Gary and for those of you that do ... well I apologise.

For anyone who may wonder why they are sat where they are. I understand that ******* and *** tackled the tricky issue of the seating plan based on who purchased what from the wedding list. So it’s lead crystal here at the front,……toasters and oven gloves over there in the back corner(s).

*****I would like to start by thanking ***, on behalf of the bridesmaids, for his kind words and by agreeing with him on how wonderful they look******

My thanks go to the Ushers on a job well done. It certainly can’t have been easy with the type of crowd that we have in here today, particularly as one of the ushers has torretts and another has some difficulty remembering which is left and right.

It is a great honour to be asked to be Best Man, but with the role came the difficult job of writing a speech. As usual I left it to the last minute and so last night, I sat myself down and began searching the Internet for ideas and inspiration. Two hours quickly passed and I have to say I found some really great stuff. Unfortunately, this didn’t leave me a lot of time to look for tips on Best Man’s speeches!

I did find loads of ready-prepared speeches on …... but sadly, none of them were about a couple called *** and ****** ....so it looks like it’s down to me after all.

What I did learn is that being Best Man has a number of responsibilities:

1) Not losing the rings during the ceremony. Easy that one.

2) Making sure *** turns up for looking his best. Not an easy one given what I had to work with but I think you’ll agree that I did OK? After all I am best man and not a plastic surgeon.

3) Seeing that ex-girlfriends are kept away…….thankfully the recent foot and mouth epidemic took care of that one for me.

4) To support the groom and not embarrass him or be unkind.…well we will see how that one develops.
 
Being a long term suffering … sorry serving member of the married fraternity, I took the trouble to note down some useful tips on marriage which I think Jon might benefit from:

Never go to bed on an argument.... stay up and argue. The neighbours will call the police eventually.

Always remember those three special words..."You’re right, dear".

The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it the first year.

It’s important to get on with your mother in law. I haven't spoken to mine for two years. It’s not that I don’t like her... I just don't like to interrupt.

So, returning to the groom, I would not be forgiven if he wasn’t made uncomfortable for a couple of minutes. ******, I understand you will have to wait until much later tonight for the same to happen to you. After all, *** has recently gone on live radio boasting of his record two minute erection. The more gullible amongst you may believe ***’s story that this related to caravan awnings.

So, what can you say about a man who, from humble beginnings, distinguished himself amongst his peers using his intelligence, charm and willpower to succeed where others have failed? …………..Plenty probably, but enough about me, I’m here to talk about ***.

I am amazed that I stand here today as best man to support *** in marrying such a lovely woman. Throughout our teenage years it looked certain that none of our group would ever be successful with the fairer sex. Not satisfied with the usual problems facing young men *** took it upon himself to drive us around of a evening in his rusty old lime green Chevette… accompanied by the sound of music blaring out through the open windows.

In fact ***’s lifelong passion for bloody awful cars is only surpassed by his unnerving ability to smash them up. Over the years he has not been too choosy when pulling out in front of cars, vans and, most noticeably, a cyclist. Fortunately, the cyclist was unhurt and quickly jumped to his feet in order to smack *** in the face which he was, of course, able to do due to those permanently open windows
 
It would not be right for me alone to pass judgement on such a complex character as ***, so I took it upon myself to ask around for other peoples’ opinions.

Phrases such at witty, intelligent, honest and trustworthy…..are just a few of those that were noticeably absent but I do think the person describing him as a “lazy devious blighter” perhaps went over the top. Still if his mother doesn’t know him then who does?

Other notable parts of ***s life are his two great sporting achievements:

Firstly holding the course record at Bramcote Hills golf club with a score of 38. Unfortunately this was for just one hole ………and that a par 3.

Secondly, sharing Eric Cantona’s infamy, by getting banned by the FA for attacking a spectator whilst playing in a football game.

For those of you who don’t know, the Stag Party took place in the classy resort of Magaluf. You finally have to accept that you are past it when the highlight of the weekend was the Crazy Golf competition and the nights entertainment could not start until everyone has had their afternoon nap.

Custom says that I should read a couple of cards and notes from those who had the foresight not to be here today:

********Real cards*******

Dear ***, thanks for those balmy evenings lazing around the pool. I do hope that you have made the right decision. All my love, Michael Barrymore.

***, I’ve known you for more years than I am prepared to admit to and, I must say it’s been an absolute pleasure... more for you than for me I suppose, but a pleasure none the less.

Seriously though you have been a great and loyal friend over the years and no-one is more pleased than me to see you and your wife looking so happy together. You make a magnificent couple and I am very proud to have been a part of your special day. I wish you a long and happy marriage.
 
It now gives me immense pleasure, and no small amount of relief, to invite you all to stand with me and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr & Mrs *****.

To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple.

To the Bride and Groom.

Finally for health and safety reasons, the hotel has asked me to request that, you refrain from climbing on the tables during the standing ovation at the end of my speech.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I thank you for indulging me and I hope you enjoy the rest of the day.
 
It's good. :)

Michael Barrymore thing will go down tremendously, you can be certain of that. Make sure you put emphasis on the authors of the real cards before as I can picture many people missing it.
 
Great speech, quality from start to finish, its like the ones you see in the movies, written to perfection.

Not sure if you want to remove the rest of the names though. :confused: edit - they're gone now.
 
Very nice. Made me chuckle :)

Perfect length, lots of jokes (good ones too, actually funny), teasing but also charming. Flows well, good structure. Yes, good job.
 
JohnnyG said:
Ha ha, I can smell your nerves from here, been sick yet? :p
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you ain't kidding

at least I have adequalte notice this time, last time I was a best man the groom just assumed I would know I was best man so I had to make a speach up as I went along :eek:
 
I've been jiffed to be best man later on this year so I might have to nick some of your stuff! It sounds good when you read it but when you are standing up in front of loads of people the nerves suddenly hit you! My wedding speech was all prepared and in the end I bottled it and did something off the cuff, upset several people that day :)

Good Luck!!
 
Rotty said:
I took the trouble to note down some useful tips on marriage which I think Jon might benefit from:

Never go to bed on an argument.... stay up and argue. The neighbours will call the police eventually.

Always remember those three special words..."You’re right, dear".

The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it the first year.

It’s important to get on with your mother in law. I haven't spoken to mine for two years. It’s not that I don’t like her... I just don't like to interrupt.
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Pretty damn good and made me laugh. One comment and it really depends on the crowd but personally I'd look to replace these one liners. If your mate's wedding is full of people that attend a few weddings a year then you can pretty much guarantee they would have heard these before. However, if it guests don't get out to these sorts of dos very often then they will go down a treat. Just my humble opinion.
 
BallisticJack said:
Pretty damn good and made me laugh. One comment and it really depends on the crowd but personally I'd look to replace these one liners. If your mate's wedding is full of people that attend a few weddings a year then you can pretty much guarantee they would have heard these before. However, if it guests don't get out to these sorts of dos very often then they will go down a treat. Just my humble opinion.
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thanks , was something I had thought of was considering , though as the couple are in their late thirties , maybe a lot of folks won't be recent wedding regulars
 
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