"X walked into a bar" joke thread

Grimley · 5 Jun 2012 at 11:56

Another one

A Bloke walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm.

He says to the Landlord, "One for me and one for the road."

moogie · 5 Jun 2012 at 12:23

Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and vanishes...

A.N.Other · 5 Jun 2012 at 12:24

moogie said:
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and vanishes...

SideWinder · 5 Jun 2012 at 12:26

moogie said:
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and vanishes...

I don't get it.

Cleeecooo · 5 Jun 2012 at 12:34

Hikari Kisugi said:
A man walks into a bar and is immediately set upon by his wife who attacks him visciously.
'Why did you &^%$ my sister?' she screams
'Well, when i got to work she was waiting there for me, sretched over the table, completely naked, what else would I do?'
'The autopsy' she replies.

That was brilliant

Fire_fly · 5 Jun 2012 at 13:00

A guy walks into a bar, waving a gun around he shouts 'Who the **** has been sleeping with my wife?'
A voice in the background replies 'you don't have enough bullets mate!'

ElliorR · 5 Jun 2012 at 13:05

[FnG]magnolia;22063303 said:
A cat walks into a bar.

Schrodinger does not serve him.

Schrodinger does serve him.

A cat walks into a bar and Scrodinger serves him a beer and strikes up a conversation

"an interesting fact is the Scrodinger's Cat paradox was a thought experiment to show the problem with the Copenhagen interpritation of quantum mechanics"

"oh" replies the cat who's wondering what he's doing in a bar being served beer and talking, "so it's not meant to be taken literally?"

"no" says Scrodinger rolling in his grave.

tonym · 5 Jun 2012 at 13:33

Man walks into a bar and orders a pint and a pie. Drinks the pint, puts the pie on his head and walks out.
Next day, does the same thing, same order, drinks the pint and puts the pie on his head and walks out.
The barman looks and wonders what's going on, so decided if he comes in again, he'll trick him.
Sure enough, next day, same man, pint and a pit. The barman say's, "Sorry, we're out of pies" so the man orders a packet of cheese and onion crisps. Drinks the pint, and puts the packet of crisps on his head. As he goes to leave, the barman stops him "Hold on sir, why are you walking out of here with a packet of cheese and onion crisps on your head?"
"You're out of pies" the man replies, and walks off

Man walks into a bar and say's "Can I have a pint of lager and a glass of wine for my wife?"
The barman say's "Go on then, as long as she can iron"

G-MAN2004 · 5 Jun 2012 at 13:39

sunnysingh said:
I bet you heard that from the big bang theory.

I'm sure that joke was around way before that awful show used it.

Snograt · 5 Jun 2012 at 13:41

SideWinder said:
I don't get it.

Descartes, "I think, therefore I am."

He thunk not, therefore he wasn't.

tonym · 5 Jun 2012 at 13:46

Tramp walks into a bar and asks for a cocktail stick. Barman gives him a cocktail stick and he leaves.

5 minutes later, another tramp walks in, also asks for a cocktail stick, and leaves.

5 minutes after that another tramp walks in, before he can speak the barman say's "No, if you're asking for a cocktail stick, you can sod off". The tramp say's "No, no, I want a straw".
"Why do you want a straw?" say's the barman?
"Well" say's the tramp, "someone's been sick outside, and all the best bits have already gone"

Deadbeat · 10 Jun 2012 at 11:37

Totality · 10 Jun 2012 at 12:15

As I knocked back drink after drink the concerned barmaid asked, "Are you okay, sir?"

"My son would have been two today..." I sobbed.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she replied. "Do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"He was born a day late," I replied. "Now I've got to go to his stinking birthday party tomorrow instead of playing golf with the lads."

Edrof · 10 Jun 2012 at 12:53

tonym said:
Tramp walks into a bar and asks for a cocktail stick. Barman gives him a cocktail stick and he leaves.

5 minutes later, another tramp walks in, also asks for a cocktail stick, and leaves.

5 minutes after that another tramp walks in, before he can speak the barman say's "No, if you're asking for a cocktail stick, you can sod off". The tramp say's "No, no, I want a straw".
"Why do you want a straw?" say's the barman?
"Well" say's the tramp, "someone's been sick outside, and all the best bits have already gone"

Lovely!

wez130 · 10 Jun 2012 at 13:52

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot

A pair of jump leads walks into a bar, sits down on the stool and orders a beer. The bartender looks them over for a second and says, "Okay, you can stay, but you'd better not start anything."

G|mp · 10 Jun 2012 at 14:05

This dyslexic bloke walks into a bra....