Lads - this happened to you? Wife of 5yrs fallen out of love

Its funny how your world can change in an instant. One minute youre bumbling happily along and the next ::BAM:: the Universe decides to point in your direction and say "Its time".

7 weeks ago the nightmare began for me. My wife of 5 years sat me down to talk and said she loved me but was not in love with me. Says all her feelings for me have vanished. I was so dumbstruck I thought she was kidding but then the changes began. She got a new hairdo. She stopped wearing her wedding ring. And then 2 weeks ago something happened that I would not wish on any man. She moved into the spare room.



Needless to say its all over now and its just a matter of time before the heart-wrenching divorce proceedings begin.

I didnt cheat on her it was nothing like that. No 3rd person was involved. Instead she says I just didnt pay attention to her like a married guy should. Y'know - didnt take her on holidays, didnt take her out to fancy dinners enough, didnt socialize with her and her mates enough, moaned when she wanted to go shopping, grumbled and kept saying I wanna stay home and do some gaming instead of going someplace.

I'll be honest here: shes right. With hindsight I did spend too much time doing everything else instead of being there for her and not taking her for granted.

As a result even our love life suffered - and after struggling through 5 yrs of this not surprisingly she wants to bail. I dont want this to be over and she beleives me when I say I want to change but its too late. Shes determined to go.

Says Im a wonderful guy and that I tick all the boxes except that I carried over all the habits I had when I was single into the marriage (again shes right) and says we were just not meant to be a couple. Why why why did she not kick my ass this seriously earlier? We could have saved the marriage. Why wait 5 years to go completely cold?



Ive since learned from reading books and speaking to female friends that women can bottle up resentment for a long LONG time. Add another LONG to that.

Have any of you lads been through a split up/divorce etc. How did you handle it? The feelings are horrible. You want a hole to open and swallow you. How did you deal with it. How long did it take to recover?

Going crazy here and just needed to get this off my chest, thx.

Sorry to hear about this.

However you probably have realised why already, you didn't as you say pay enough attention to her. Also, she probably was providing you with lots of second chances hence her deciding that 5 years was enough.

Damn, I'm sorry to hear that!

Unless you work at relationships, they go away. Be it friends or lovers.

Sorry for your predicament.

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that

Had she raised any of the problems with you before she decided it was all over?

As above, it seems a bit of a shame that she potentially didn't raise these issues until it was too late. I hope that you can both potentially work at it, but if not, that it all goes as smoothly as it can.

Sorry to hear that buddy.

For some reason once a women's mind is made up, that's it. I think it's a very rare thing to make her change her mind. I know when my ex told me she wasn't happy anymore there was no talking about it and her mind was truly made up so I just let it go. Obviously I'm not saying my experience was as bad as yours, you're married, of course it isn't. All I can say is try not to beg/plead for her to come back to you, don't lose your dignity. I over heard my dad breakdown infront of my mum when he started begging for her back, it wasn't nice and you shouldn't let people make you feel like that.

All the best.

Thats awful mate, I'm sorry to hear it.

In my limited experience, there can be vast differences between what a woman believes she is making obvious, i.e. dropping hints and saying things in a certain way, and what a man can read or interpret. I miss-read all kinds of things and can completely miss other things altogether, so to her, she may have spent the last 2 years trying to get you to see what was going on but not in a way that you could understand resulting in her confidence and feelings having been chipped away for some time.

Explicit communication is paramount sometimes, to avoid any confusion but it can also be the hardest thing to do. Unfortunately, as you have found, bringing it up in a way that would encourage resolution can be a lot harder than just saying it's over.

I presume you have talked things through until you are blue in the face but the only thing I can suggest is that you find a way to live apart properly. Living together at the moment will only make things worse and if you can be the one to move out (even temporarily) it will give you some strength and confidence by making an active change rather than let the whole thing steam roller you.

Nitefly said:

As above, it seems a bit of a shame that she potentially didn't raise these issues until it was too late. I hope that you can both potentially work at it, but if not, that it all goes as smoothly as it can.

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Ditto.

you sure there is nobody else ?
5 years without a word then bam! all over ..seems weird
i would have thought she would moan moan moan(women enjoy doing that)...just doesnt sound right that she wouldnt have a good moan about it first.

Funnily enough my girlfriend of about 5 years decided a little over 3 weeks ago that she no longer wanted to be with me. Like your wife she said she just didn't feel the same way anymore. I don't know why but I suspect it's because I'm a **** boyfriend. Looking back you realise where you've gone wrong. Hindsight is a bitch.

Sadly, I don't have any magical words that will make it all better and I know how difficult it is. You just have to know that it will get better as time goes by. You should try and surround yourself with friends and keep yourself busy as much as you can. Hiding away will only make it worse.

I have the luxury of being able being able to move out and not have to contact my ex. If I had to live with her I honestly think it would drive me mad, I certainly couldn't cope with it.

I hope that you can resolve things with your wife, I really do, but if not you will start to feel better over time. I promise.

Don't kick yourself too hard about this (as much as you probably want to). It's just as much her fault for not raising these issues earlier as it is you for doing them. Relationships are a two way thing, she should have said something a long time ago.

I feel women seem to trick you into thinking you are the worst husband/boyfriend ever.

I'm sure you weren't bad at all.

When my other half first said this to me i made a conscious effort to make a mental note of what i do, so now if she comes out with it again i contest her and bring up a long list of things i have done. It usually is something totally different from myself that is getting her down but i seem to be the scapegoat of angst.

But i love her immensely and the great times far outweigh the minute time that are bad!

I've always said to long-term girlfriends, please please please tell me if anything is going wrong for you, or If I'm doing something/not doing something I should/shouldn't be to stop this kinda thing happening. Sucks man

Harsh. I've been there also, albeit not married. I have no advice, I just know I will make the same mistake, ad nauseam.

bam0 said:

Don't kick yourself too hard about this (as much as you probably want to). It's just as much her fault for not raising these issues earlier as it is you for doing them. Relationships are a two way thing, she should have said something a long time ago.

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Absolutely. The breakdown of a relationship is never down to one person. The relationship was hers to look after as much as it was yours and she neglected to do so as much as you did. Remember that as it might help you feel a little better one day

For what it is worth I think she has the problem, not you.

She doesn't want to be a wife. She wants to be a girlfriend.

Marriages just don't work the way you say she wants it to.

bam0 said:

Don't kick yourself too hard about this (as much as you probably want to). It's just as much her fault for not raising these issues earlier as it is you for doing them. Relationships are a two way thing, she should have said something a long time ago.

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Something I was going to say.

She should have realised long ago that you weren't getting the hint [assuming she was dropping any] and said something. She is just as guilty of neglecting the marriage as you are by not saying anything explicit about the problem when there was a chance something could have been done.

It may seem like hollow words now, but you will get through this and move on with your life.

I'm to hear about the pain you are suffering atm... i really hope you pull through mate...