Is my life over?

It's not the first time I have posted on these forums about the difficulties I have been through over the last few years. Some of you may even remember reading things about the ex girlfriend and all of her maddening stunts. How hard it was, despite everything she was doing to me, to leave and go into the unknown. The problem is I really cannot see a way forward and to be frank I'm pretty terrified about everything.





Okay, the background for those of you who don't know, I was with the ex girlfriend for just short of 7 years, we have two children together; my little boy aged 4 and my little girl aged 2. The relationship was never easy and right from the beginning I was treated pretty appallingly, flirting with other men openly in front of me; to the point where I highly suspected things where going on, I was a verbal punching bag and was just generally made to feel like I was a nuisance. Under normal circumstances I'd have just walked but apart from the fact we had to work very closely with each other I was also at a highly vulnerable point in my life. My father whom I had been extremely close with had died a couple of years before and I hadn't successfully been able to deal with it. Being quite big on religion at the time I was desperate for a sign. So when talking to my father's gravestone and asking for a job (as mentioned above) and to meet the love of my life etc I took it as sure a sign as any when it turned out that her birthday was the same day that my Dad had passed away "27th November".









Before we actually started dating we seemed to have just clicked and she aroused me both personally and sexually; she seemed like she was the perfect woman for me. She had justified her horrific behaviour from the very beginning and in such a way that I ended up feeling, wholeheartedly, that if I didn't support her or persevere with her that I was going to miss out on the love of my life. She told me about a catalogue of psychological and emotional abuse that she had experienced at the hands of her mother and grandmother. She told me about a myriad of epically appalling things she had witnessed her father put through by her mother and sisters, how half of her siblings where the offspring of various uncles and even her eldest brother.... something her poor father had become all too aware of. She even told me about various men ranging from Doctors to night club doormen who had horrifically mistreated her.


I wanted to show her that not all men are the same, I believed that there was a truly great person under all of this venom and damage and that eventually everything would come good and we would be married, have a family and emigrate to New Zealand.








Over the years, I had been alienated from my entire family, I had been discouraged both emotionally and physically from spending time with my friends ( Waterworks or jumping my bones) and she had essentially cost me my inheritance; the family home.

Once she was pregnant she engineered me out of my job, emotional blackmail etc.... and had moved us out of my home city and into an area where I knew nobody or nothing except her eldest cousin. She made sure that ALL finances where paid directly into her account, at this point the benefits, and that all bills where set up in my name.

Eventually the emotional abuse, withholding affection when she didn't get her own way, was joined by psychological abuse and domestic violence. She had me totally convinced she was my sole lifeline but that I must do exactly what she wanted, how she wanted it and when she wanted it or that she would cast me aside. Her expectations where completely unrealistic and I suffered terribly as a result.



Being in a long term suicidal depression, the only thing keeping me here was my kids, I ended the relationship last June, not for the first time but most seriously, I hoped and prayed that this would shock her out of her behaviour that she would realise that I was worth fighting for and that she would go to couples counselling with me. She didn't take me back, but she forced me to stay under the same roof as her and the children emotionally blackmailing me over her career as a student nurse stating no one would provide a future for them if she didn't.




She got everything she wanted without the inconvenience of a relationship, sex when she wanted it (playing on my desires for us to be a proper family) a live in baby sitter and housemaid and whipping post all rolled into one.
Naturally the pressures mounted up to the point where I was starting to make actual plans for ending my life, I couldn't keep up with everything that was expected of me so I focussed on the children and tried to make sure that at the very least they got what they needed and where protected from all the negativity. I was blind to the damage that was being inflicted on them psychologically and it was only in January after taking them away for a week to my recently back in contact mothers that it all became apparent... I gave the ex an ultimatum "apologize and get help or I'm leaving". Well she clearly didn't believe me and once returning the children I left her.




A few days later I had to return to collect belongings when the **** truly hit the fan. She begged me to return, cried and screamed, pleaded but not for us to get back together as a couple and to work on our problems together but as she put it "For you to know your place and for me to know mine and when I've finished this academic year you can leave". When I refused things got violent, worse than ever before and eventually I managed to lock myself in the bathroom and call the police.






I suppose this brings us to now, apart from bits of living in hostels and not seeing my kids for months.



My situation is this...


I have clinical depression, I can't work full time because the only contact she allowed for me to have with my children doesn't fit in with work. Can't get part time work to pay enough to cover all my bills so I'm back on Employment and Support Allowance. Again I can't return to education because of the hours I'm allowed to see my kids. Solicitor is working on it but it's going to take at the very least months... I am going for residence due to serious issues with her parenting.


I have a mountain of debt at around 7 grand thanks to her, I have no career prospects and this pokey run down little 1 bedroom flat in a god awful part of the city apart from an airbed a tatty old sofa and my computer I have no furniture. My benefits barely cover my visits to the children and I do them as cheaply as can be.




I try everyday to be positive and in some regards I'm happier but I cannot see a way forward! I cannot see anyway at the moment to improve my life and the lives of my children. I need help guys (I'm already seeing a counsellor and back on anti depressants) I need some guidance on how to start building a good life for myself.

So I ask, trolls included, is my life over? Because it sure bloody feels like it!

I think you're focusing too much on the negative, you need to think about the positives. You have a job, you have two kids and you have a place to live.

You wasted a long time with this woman, but the positive is you've learned your mistake.
Time to build a new life and do it properly this time.

You are a man, be a man...act manly.

etc etc

Your kids will always need you. Even if you don't see them for 10 years, they may knock on your door one day. That's why you carry on, that's your purpose in life.

Least you got purpose

Been thru all that solicitor splitting up thing and it aint great but there life after solicitors. The missing your kids is the hardest.

I suffer from depression and a hundred and one other things including not being able to walk but I'm single, now wealthy again, (well comfortable) and despite wanted to kill myself most days I think life is great.

Make sure you take your meds if you have any, if not see doctor, decide everyday that tomorrow might be better and slowly but surely things get better.

jeez man.. take control of your life! kids will there when you can see them! first sort your own life out! she can and is taking care of them so get your balls back in place and sort your goals out.. stop living for others and live for your self! my dad did not speak with me for 12 years! now im back in contact.

Get a Job save up for 6 months then go abroad do some travelling and learn to enjoy life again.

OP, your life is not over by any stretch. You have your children, remember that even though they may not see you too often now, they will be growing up into young adults and at some point may very well see their mother for who she is and want to live with you instead.

For very different reasons, I found myself in a similar situation not so long ago and got myself out of it. There's no magical overnight cure, there's no easy way to drag yourself out. It takes hard work and at times it will seem overwhelming but I guarantee you it's worth it.

I can't see an option to PM or similar on here but if there's a way to talk privately then you're more than welcome to chat should you wish to.

Life over? No my friend, life is just beginning.

Cook some bacon. Bacon always helps.

being selfish is okay - get some money in, do whatever u want with it

I'd suggest

http://www.mankind.org.uk/

And

http://www.thecalmzone.net/

Also you need to put things into perspective. You may be living in a small flat, however you are now no longer locked in with a sociopath and can start having healthy relationships with good people.

You've got a really, really expensive computer listed in your sig. Yet you're unemployed and living in a crappy place and can't afford to visit your kids. You value visiting your kids so highly that you're unwilling to get a job.

Either there's ******** all the way through your story or you are having a damned good shot at ruining your own life and need to sort your priorities out. Selling the computer would seem a sensible starting point.

Malevolence said:

Cook some bacon. Bacon always helps.

Click to expand...

not if he's applying for a new job

honestly I have not read many reply's.

If you feel like this, you need to seek help from anybody and everybody. This forum will not help, yes it helps to talk, infact it helps to type and just express your problems, this is why facebook status's are sometimes weird. However none of this will help you the way you need it.

I have seen a couple of previous threads but not paid 100% attention to them.

The advise on here if you read and listen is good, look at the positives, take a step back from where you are and look at the bigger picture. Find new friends this can help a lot.

Good luck

It's already been said, OP, but you need to take control of your life back because right now you've completely lost it.

You're allowing everyone around you but yourself to declare what you can and can't do, and taking these restrictions as "just life". But it isn't. First off, get yourself a damned job. If that means you can't see your kids so often then so be it -- but without one, you're going nowhere. That's step one, and I'll tell you why it's step one:

Are you saying you can't get a job because the only time she lets you see your kids is during the working day? You know... when she has to be out working/studying? If that's the case, then you know what you are to her -- a free babysitter. She knows you'll take it lying down, which you currently are, and you're being made to feel like exactly the worn rug you've taken the role of. Your response to her right now should be that you want the kids every other weekend, as you need to get into work and get yourself sorted out.

That's also a sacrifice on your part, as you won't see them as often as you'd like. But you know what? Once you're earning and back on stable ground you can move to get more access. It doesn't happen at once, and you aren't abandoning them. Children understand more than you may give them credit for.

Now, if she doesn't like it, you simply admonish that the children live with her, she decided that that's where they should be for now (while you disagree) and she can sort out child care during the week. If she needs evening help then fine, but for now you need to find regular employment, which the current schedule disallows. If she has a problem with that, then you can bring in Social Services. See how much she likes that idea.

All of this is the foundation for improvement. Lay down the law, get a job, get the money together, get a better place. All the while your solicitor will be working in the background with regards to your custody case. Do you think a court is going to agree that the children should be placed in your care in a run-down bedsit? No chance.

This takes sacrifice on your part... but the good news is, it's mostly sacrificing the **** that you seem to have taken on your own shoulders because of her. Forget her, she no longer matters. This is YOU. Of course you will also have to sacrifice some time with your kids, but that matter is a long-term resolution, not quickly. They'll come back to you. How much better would be if they came back to you in a stable home, a nice rented property, and little stress?

Much better than now, I'd wager.

Things always get better OP, so just stay positive. Good luck.

One thing I don't understand is how you let a woman rule over you for that long!

Screwing your life up for the sake of seeing the kids for a few hours is no solution.

Get a job and wait for the court to sort your contact/custody out, as what you are doing at the moment is nonsense.

I can't really help you OP other than to say that in my experience, the more you conceive negative thoughts the more negative thoughts come towards you. You need to think about the positives in your life and try to shut the book on the negatives and things will improve - if slowly.

Hopefully, you'll be sat in five years time chuckling to yourself. Good luck.