Associate
...if you don't like them, I dont care!!! I pasted them from an E-mail I sent and found some quite funny. For those who have had a sense of humour removal click back and read another thread as I could care less what you think.
Those of you who are bored.. have a read.
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well
dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower
in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave,
presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an
elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"
<><><><><><><>
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
<><><><><><><>
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about
my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my
pants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep Reading
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says,"No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman
on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke
to Morris and said, "You're really doing great,
aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful."
"The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a
stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana
split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
======++++++++++++++++=============
Should children witness child birth?
> Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
> The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
> 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he
> could see while
> he helped deliver the baby.
> Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
> pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic
> lifted him his by
> his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
> The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
> Wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just
> witnessed.
> Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
> the first place......... smack him again.
.
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So,
he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster
that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named
Ralph.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but
first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now.
You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of
money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and
have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house
and Ralph takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times,
and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure
enough, Ralph is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake.
Once
again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and
pheasants.
The
farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even
last
24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to
find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue
hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are
circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."
Those of you who are bored.. have a read.
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well
dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower
in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave,
presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an
elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"
<><><><><><><>
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
<><><><><><><>
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about
my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my
pants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep Reading
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says,"No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman
on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke
to Morris and said, "You're really doing great,
aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful."
"The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a
stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana
split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
======++++++++++++++++=============
Should children witness child birth?
> Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
> The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
> 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he
> could see while
> he helped deliver the baby.
> Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
> pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic
> lifted him his by
> his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
> The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
> Wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just
> witnessed.
> Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
> the first place......... smack him again.
.
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So,
he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster
that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named
Ralph.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but
first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now.
You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of
money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and
have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house
and Ralph takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times,
and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure
enough, Ralph is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake.
Once
again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and
pheasants.
The
farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even
last
24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to
find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue
hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are
circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."