A gift to OcUK by Voltar

Voltar · 22 Apr 2008 at 01:20

Here is something from my 'Black Book' which I want you to read and consider.
Please respect this as stupid comments will be taken as insults.
This is the first time I've given anything I've written to the general public and I hope you enjoy it or have serious constructive criticism otherwise.

For you OcUK:

Set sail for the azure infinity,
raise anchor once more; set a course
for the abyss.

Again we embark on another
meaningless voyage; the sensation
never changes, it is always the same
bright blue yonder and the same
glowing stars.

Our voyage left to chance and
the benevolence of Providence:
we cannot help but let
ourselves be carried along,
gently rocked to sleep by the calm
drifting and the silent lullaby of the wind.
[edit sorry folks that was a typo there^^ ('of' was not written in the original]

Freedom is such that we are
able to glide across the
tranquil oceans in peaceful solitude.

We few are destined to
float here forever until
the current ceases and
the oceans expire.

This is not in my opinion my best but still worthy of your critical glance. It was written when I was 19 years old. Please comment if you feel you can do so sensibly.

Thanks

Voltar

Voltar · 22 Apr 2008 at 01:43

Thankyou whappers, that does sincerely mean a huge amount to me. This is one of a small collection which I will be sending to publishers this summer once I'm done in Spain.
More comments would be so very appreciated.

Voltar · 22 Apr 2008 at 01:51

I just thought breaking it up would make it look more enticing for people who aren't interested in literature to be honest with you! The 'neat copy in the Black Book' does not have the same visible stanzas or visible breaks.

Voltar · 22 Apr 2008 at 02:00

NOt at all substance! I appreciate your comments and the time you took to read my work.

@ monkey puzzle: You made me chuckle

Voltar · 22 Apr 2008 at 02:27

Akira said:
If I may say so, it sounds too absorbed in what it wants to say to people about the author rather than painting the picture about the subject. It reads in a very contrived manner.

possibly the most striking and important criticism thus far of any of my work. I am sad that it seems contrived. so very sad as this is something which I've always wanted to avoid... So much so that it rarely takes me more than 20 minutes to write something. This one if I remember correctly took 25mins to write: must need to edit this.

Akira, if you are willing could you give specific criticisms to this one and in what areas it is contrived as this is ******* critical in my work and if I can spot it now with your help I'd be mightily grateful!

Voltar · 22 Apr 2008 at 03:04

hmmmmm. Thankyou Akira: I shall contemplate this one further in the light of your comments.

Voltar · 22 Apr 2008 at 14:51

[FnG]magnolia;11547365 said:
It's standard late-teen/1st Year English Lit. fare, no? Certainly not offensive but heavy on angst and the style seems slightly laboured. It doesn't sit well with my personal tastes but good on you for posting it; it makes a nice change from the GD norm

Wouldn't say so mate. I was in my 2nd year at uni when this was written and I don't do english literature in any way shape or form.

Thankyou all for your comments. I don't think the content will be changing but am revising the structure of this one as it could be a whole lot better.