I think I missed this one from a few years back. It's ... welp.
I can't exactly put this in the relationship and hugs thread so putting it here...
I am married and have two children. Nine years ago I had a very brief affair lasting about five months. I have never told my wife and only a couple of very close friends know about it after I broke down in tears one night. We both worked for a very large company and I was her manager. She worked at a different office in another part of the country but would come to our main office about twice a month and stay in a nearby hotel for one or two nights. From the moment I heard her voice I knew there was something different about her and I still remember the second we first saw each other. I didn't know at the time but she's since told me the same.
She didn't know anyone else in my office so we would often go out for drinks or food after work. Sometimes it was with other people and we would always be the last to leave, and sometimes it was just us. After a few weeks we were out drinking together and she kissed me. That moment changed both of our lives. We couldn't stop seeing each other after that and I would often go back to the hotel with her, share some food and wine there and sleep together before heading off home. She was quite a bit younger than me and beautiful; the sort of girl that other men in the office talk about when in the pub together. It was a thrill knowing I had what they wanted. But more importantly it absolutely felt like we had known each other all our lives and maybe even in a past life.
But after several months we knew we couldn't carry on. I said to her at the time that one or more of the three people involved would get hurt; her, my wife, me or probably all of us. I have children and we both knew they would have to come first. I could leave my wife but I couldn't leave them. I was honest with her about it. So we took a very, very difficult decision to end it. I remember that day vividly and the pain was so hard that it felt like someone had taken a knife, pushed it hard into my stomach and twisted it. It took years to get over that.
My wife and I don't have a great relationship. Before the affair even started we had grown apart. As soon as we had children she just distanced herself from me in the relationship. We are never intimate anymore and I even now sleep in a different bedroom. I want to stress that this happened before my affair. It was probably one of the reasons I didn't push my friend away when she first kissed me. I knew when we stopped the affair that I would probably never find the love and passion that I'd just said goodbye to. I decided to leave the company, stay with my wife, wait until the children were older, then separate and either live a single life and maybe try to find some passion with someone again, or just stay single and try to find happiness in other things in life. One of the reasons I can't leave is that my wife shouts and hits the children a lot. I've had to get between them on several occasions. Most people see me as a happy person, always there to give them advice. But inside I was falling apart and could never ask them for advice, especially over this.
But it didn't quite work out that we would never see each other again. My friend and I couldn't keep apart completely. We have since talked regularly and keep in touch with messaging. I've helped her through some pretty bad times since then. She now has a a child by a man who isn't interested in contact with her or his child. She was devastated when she found out she was pregnant and I helped her decide whether to keep the child (she did, partly on my advice). She's been through other emotional issues that I won't go into but I was always there to listen and advise. She has since told me that I once stopped her committing suicide by simply being there for her to call when she nearly did it (again, I didn't know it at the time and she only told me years later). What I've never told her was that I was almost suicidal over our breakup back in 2007. I knew how and where I would do it and only avoided it by telling myself to wait one more day because my children needed me.
Over the years I got control of my feelings to the point where I felt I could cut her out of my life if I needed to. Our relationship became one of genuine friendship. A friendship like I've never had before and can't imaging having again. We could talk about almost anything. We set our boundaries but continued to talk every few weeks. Once or twice a year we have met up and enjoyed a day or night together - as friends only. We've even been abroad a few times together, got drunk, got high. We always sleep in the same room and bed but never had sex since. We set our boundaries and kept to them. The same room was so we could continue talking through the night over a last bottle of wine, enjoy each others company and spend more time together. Long ago we had talked about whether I could ever leave my wife and children and I came to the conclusion that I couldn't. I would have loved to be with her. But she lives a three hour drive from where I live and where my children would continue to live if I separated. I can't leave my children. She has a daughter now and can't relocate because her family, friends and daughters friends are there. So even if I left my wife at this point I can't see how it would work with her. In both cases we accept our children have to come first.
Now something has happened that I always knew would do at some point. She's had relationships in the past but has more recently been looking for someone to settle down with and marry. She's finally found someone that she's getting close enough to, seems a nice man and is prepared to take on her daughter. Like most of the events in her life I was one of the first people she told. I really am very, very, very happy for her. Her happiness is so important to me. I'm glad she has found someone. I haven't told her but I had decided some time ago that when this happened I would step out of her life to be fair to her and her new partner. She probably knows it has to happen too. That means that I am unlikely to talk to her much again and probably won't ever see her again. Knowing that has taken me right back to 2007 and feeling like I have a knife in my stomach (luckily I'm not suicidal this time, just deeply in pain). I really thought I'd moved on from feeling like that years ago but clearly hadn't. Knowing this is the end is a horrible feeling. I will get over it again but it will take time. The finality has made me have thoughts of maybe just leaving my wife now and seeing if she would make a go of things with me. But realistically I know she now has a new relationship and is probably excited by that and by him. Even if she were still interested then it still can't work with my children being three hours away.
Part of me feeling this way is a realisation that by the time my children are old enough for me to leave I will be quite an old man. So having let my one true love slip through my fingers I know I'll probably never have the opportunity to find that love and passion again. Recently my wife has tried to get a bit closer to me. But I'm not interested. What my friend and I had in 2007 wasn't simply the excitement of an illicit relationship. I've since had several similar opportunities but always turned them away. I never wanted to have an affair and would never want one in the future. I always thought I would be the last person to have one. But it came out of nowhere. It wasn't just the excitement at the time. It was the feeling that we had met before. We genuinely were soul mates and our friendship deepened over the years rather than dissipated. Maybe we'll meet again under better circumstances in another life?
My advice to anyone reading this is that if you ever find someone you feel the same way about then move heaven and earth to be with them if you possibly can. Don't let them slip away. Grab happiness with both hands.
![[FnG]magnolia](/styles/overclockers/avatars/9.png){kind=avatar}
