Badly explain what you do for a living.

[something daft already!!]

I tell people how to make it harder for other people to get to places they want to go.

 

[Illuminist]

I show people furniture and then take some of their food from them and watch them leave

 

[sigma]

Your mum, etc.

 

[touch]

I google stuff and charge people for that knowledge

 

[Dis86]

I tell my boss when he needs to talk to someone else.

 

[ianh]

I teach "Why" to those who only know "What".

 

[FoxEye]

I type a few lines into a text editor and then watch endless reams of red text flash up on the screen. Then I ask google what went wrong.

 

[Raikiri]

I start fires, beat my meat and pour my sauce over things and people pay me for it.

 

[NVP]

I sit on my ass all day while other people pay my living

 

[godinman]

I install Chinese government sponsored spy hardware in cow sheds.

 

[Screenbeat]

The fufu valve was leaking so I had to stick that thingamajig in it!

 

[bloodiedathame]

I colour things in and make them move.

 

[Mason-]

I make sure the chips in your phones do what they should before they’re actually manufactured.

 

[Malevolence]

I make things that are resistant to heat and then destroy them with fire. Fire, to destroy all you've done. Fire, to end all you've become.

 

[Sudden]

I read stuff, and tell people what it says.

 

[Kutter]

I watch people do the bare minimum for 12 hours, then hold a team's meeting and tell all the higher ups we didn't hit production.

 

[rubberduck]

I hide sausages.

 

[Meddling-Monk]

People find me and sit before me, get told off, and then they thank me and give me money.

 

[Haggisman]

I push buttons to make lights turn on and off in specific patterns

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

I help people spend huge sums of money on products or services that probably won't work in the way they're described and then spend subsequent months pointing at clauses in a contract.

e: This is a good thread idea! We should also guess who does what because #17 has piqued my interest.