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Best man speech jokes. Help GD!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Andybtsn, Apr 26, 2014.

  1. LOAM

    Capodecina

    Joined: Oct 20, 2004

    Posts: 11,474

    Location: Nottingham

    "when I first found out I was pretty angry, it took a long time to get over the emotions, that feeling of protection you have for your best mate knowing they are going out with my sister, a complete dog.......no wait, thats the wrong way round!"
     
  2. ashrobbo

    Hitman

    Joined: May 3, 2009

    Posts: 795

    Bride looks gorgeous blah blah blah and the (grooms name) has scrubbed up well also..... even if he has copied my outfit.
     
  3. mame

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Jul 16, 2007

    Posts: 7,682

    Location: Stoke on Trent

    Go with the classic

    "....and Dave says that if I do a good job today, I can be best man at his next wedding"
     
  4. EVH

    Don

    Joined: Mar 11, 2004

    Posts: 26,843

    Good job you didn't, really.

    It's spelt necklace. Tut tut ;)
     
  5. [FnG]magnolia

    Pancake

    Joined: Aug 29, 2007

    Posts: 26,247

    Location: Bees.

    This is also a great way to finish pretty much any sentence and Dave says that if I do a good job today, I can be best man at his next wedding.
     
  6. Lightnix

    Soldato

    Joined: Sep 11, 2007

    Posts: 5,246

    Location: from the internet

    "At least you don't need to worry about the bride running off with the best man"
     
  7. Mr_T

    Hitman

    Joined: Feb 7, 2006

    Posts: 728

    Location: Perth, Australia

    Great contribution to the thread I'm sure the Op is pleased you're here.
    Maybe it's because you've never been a best man.
     
  8. Manbatius

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Mar 11, 2012

    Posts: 1,166

    Location: North East

    I have this duty soon.

    This thread has confirmed to go with my initial plan , jot down some stories try and link them and see what is funny.

    He was my best man a few months ago and was awesome!
     
  9. oldbag

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Oct 14, 2003

    Posts: 7,844

    "Before I begin I would like to take a moment to ask X's previous girlfriends to hand their keys back" *5 girls walk up and hand back keys.*
     
  10. Mynight

    Soldato

    Joined: Jun 16, 2013

    Posts: 5,438

    :D. Best one so far in my opinion.
     
  11. Tefal

    Capo Crimine

    Joined: Jun 30, 2007

    Posts: 66,560

    Location: Wales

    Ahhh <grooms name> seeing you sounded by all these people in suits today reminds me of the time you were in court for killing that hooker *chuckle*...Ahhh good times...stare off reminiscently.
     
  12. chroniclard

    Capodecina

    Joined: Apr 23, 2014

    Posts: 14,387

    Location: Hertfordshire

    Christ thats as old as the hills.

    The homophobic poem is bloody awful too.
     
  13. Flukester

    Man of Honour

    Joined: Nov 1, 2007

    Posts: 4,401

    Location: Christchurch UK

    Been best man twice and each time at end of speech build up toast for someone who has done outstanding job blah blah.... get them all to stand up, and toast the best man, goes down well :)
     
  14. RoboCod

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jun 19, 2004

    Posts: 17,462

    Location: On the Amiga500

    Everyone roared with laughter, even the gay guy who had a key. So I guess as long as people laugh, that's all that matters.
     
  15. peterwalkley

    Mobster

    Joined: Feb 23, 2009

    Posts: 3,338

    Location: South Wirral

    Husbands

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



    She is so tempted to stay, but…

    she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:
    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
     
  16. DJMK4

    Capodecina

    Joined: Dec 1, 2004

    Posts: 21,931

    Location: S.Wales, Cardiff

    "When I found my best mate, aiming for my sisters vagina, let me tell you....I thought it was going to end with me, in prison, for murder, but when I heard them say they were in LOVE, I was like........YOU GUYSSSSSSSSSSS :)"
     
  17. Zbornak

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Jan 12, 2010

    Posts: 1,879

    "Some may think my best mate marrying my sister all sounds a bit incestous, but if you knew my sister and I well enough, you'd know what incest really is."
     
  18. the shadow

    Soldato

    Joined: Dec 22, 2006

    Posts: 5,712

    Location: Around Town

    Write A Song :p
    https
     
  19. Ayahuasca

    Capodecina

    Joined: Apr 23, 2014

    Posts: 19,218

    Location: County Durham

    Unless everyone attending is a fan of Frankie Boyle I don't think I'd go with that one.
     
  20. [FnG]magnolia

    Pancake

    Joined: Aug 29, 2007

    Posts: 26,247

    Location: Bees.

    These are words which should be said at the wedding.