Best man speech jokes

[liamcrane]

Afternoon all

Just wondering if anyone here has had to go ahead and deliver the best man speech at a wedding. I have the task of doing this next Saturday and i was just looking for a few cracking punch lines to throw in.

I have come up with a few but would love to hear from others who might have some good jokes to throw into the mix.

My 1st punch line goes something like this

"A wise man once told me that a best man’s speech should last as long as the groom can in bed……..GOODNIGHT EVERYONE!!"

followed by

"This is my first speech so I do apologize in advance if you end up falling asleep. I resulted to turning to the internet for help……I found some pretty good stuff….then I remembered I was searching for a speech"

Just looking for a few more to try and get the groom rather red in the face

Cheers guys

 

[swillsy]

Well I've done one before and did the same sort of research...which is why I've heard best men doing those lines in speeches multiple times! Everyone is looking at the same sites online.

I wouldn't really bother with trying too hard on the jokes they should come naturally. just try doing a proper speech about your relationship with the groom/bride and their marriage and add jokes as you go.

 

[Jokester]

Yeah, I've heard those two a few times.

 

[Jambo]

Agreed! Don't use internet lines. Everyone has heard them.

 

[Derek W]

that was a beautiful ceremony, even the cake was in tiers

 

[The Halk]

I think a best man's speech is more along the lines of what you should avoid.

- Overtly sexual jokes.
- Insulting jokes.
- Being nervous
- Speaking too quietly
- Acting as if it's a poor speech

If you manage to avoid those it'll go down well. Swillsy is spot on with how to write the speech.

 

[liamcrane]

I know what you mean guys, the problem i have is i have only really known the bride since the start of the year and i had a 5 year gap from seeing the groom due to work etc so im kinda struggling. Was pretty much put on the spot to be best man and didnt wanna let him down so im just trying to find some silly jokes to throw in as i cant really speak about old times regarding the bride as i dont really now her! She'll prob spank me if i start randomly ripping into her lol

 

[The Halk]

I know what you mean guys, the problem i have is i have only really known the bride since the start of the year and i had a 5 year gap from seeing the groom due to work etc so im kinda struggling. Was pretty much put on the spot to be best man and didnt wanna let him down so im just trying to find some silly jokes to throw in as i cant really speak about old times regarding the bride as i dont really now her! She'll prob spank me if i start randomly ripping into her lol

Well, best men speeches usually are about the groom, so it's not so bad you don't know the bride - additionally even if they do mention the bride it's typical not to insult her in any way, other than perhaps her current taste in men.

 

[SlyReaper]

Say "I've never been one for speeches, so I'll keep this short". Then take out a piece of paper which unfolds into a ridiculously long script, with the bottom clattering to the floor.

 

[Stewy]

Say "I've never been one for speeches, so I'll keep this short". Then take out a piece of paper which unfolds into a ridiculously long script, with the bottom clattering to the floor.

Or a massive unwinding scroll would be funny too

 

[omnomnom]

I'm sure you will all agree it has been an emotional day.

Even the cake is in tiers.


^^
Thats all you need.

 

[orderoftheflame]

Make peado jokes at the grooms expense. Guaranteed to go down well.

"I never thought this day would come, seeing XYZ married. Most men like their women young and tender, but he prefers them ten and younger usually."

 

[Blue160]

I'm sure you will all agree it has been an emotional day.

Even the cake is in tiers.


^^
Thats all you need.

I used that as the starting line for my brothers wedding and my best mate's wedding. It's a truely terrible joke, but it always gets a laugh or a groan to get things started. The tricky thing with best man speeches is keeping the stories appropriate to the audience. I had masses of dirt on my best mate, but most of it was unusable! My brother on the other hand once got arrested for breaking into his own house which provided a long and embarrassing story fit for public consumption!

 

[lewis2701]

Make peado jokes at the grooms expense. Guaranteed to go down well.

"I never thought this day would come, seeing XYZ married. Most men like their women young and tender, but he prefers them ten and younger usually."

 

[Daze]

- "It's good to hear they're heading to Wales for their honeymoon"
- "They're going to Spain you idiot etc etc"
- "Oh, he told me he was going to Bangor (Bang her) for two weeks"

 

[TJM]

Praise the bride a few times and make no jokes at her expense, poke fun at the groom (rather than insult him and risk hitting a nerve with anyone there) and don't tell any jokes that an old woman would be horrified by.

'He's bad in bed' is the lamest sort of material you can use. Think about how you know the groom and pick out the traits/flaws that the audience will recognise. The speech is supposed to be about him, after all, not a generic bloke.

 

[timmy85]

- "It's good to hear they're heading to Wales for their honeymoon"
- "They're going to Spain you idiot etc etc"
- "Oh, he told me he was going to Bangor (Bang her) for two weeks"

My mate and I used this last year, I wanted to use-

- "It's interesting to hear they're heading to Bournville for their honeymoon"
- "What you talking about? They're going to Spain you idiot...... "
- "really, he told me he was going to take her up the chocolate factory?"

But the other best man chickened out.