Best way to distance oneself...

cleanbluesky

cleanbluesky

cleanbluesky

Soldato
Joined
2 Nov 2004
Posts
24,654
Hmmmmm....

Last night I realised that I think I need to distance myself from a buddy of mine. I found myself competing for the attention of a girl, and it is safe to say it got slightly snide at a few points. This event then made me think of some of the disprespectful ways in which my friend has been acting in the last month or so, therefore I have decided that it would be best to distance myself. He is becoming innappropriately critical of me, therefore I am going to back off.

The trouble is that I will often give him lifts, particularly to climbing.
What I propose is that I no longer give him lifts and no longer go on climbing weekends with him, because he has either become too arrogant or has lost respect for me, either way its best to back off.

Now, most likely I will be going for coffee with him. So the question is, do I explain this to him quite honestly or do I just stop arranging to give him lifts and assume he'll get the message?
 
Why don't you just sit down calmly and talk through your problems with each other? You're both adults, if he won't do it then he really can't expect you to give him lifts etc.

You'll have to be very careful in how you approach the subject of course and not put your foot in your mouth by starting with the "right mate I think you've become a right back stabbing, self obsessed, arrogant ******" :)
 
CBS it is normal for guys to show "alpha male behaviour" over the female species, i think it would be worth it telling him your mind and see what happens next.
 
if it was me i'd ignore phone calls etc until he got the message

however the genuine thing to do would be to talk it over with him.

if youve got the balls its prolly the more adult thing to talk to him about it.
 
Kami said:
"right mate I think you've become a right back stabbing, self obsessed, arrogant ******" :)
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He knows he is 2 out of 3 of those. Which is why I would entertain the idea of simply explaining the situation to him plain as day, if only because it is unhealthy for him as it is for me.
 
The thing that annoyed me about a certain person in my history is that she never told me wahts on here mind, and always expected me to just know, like i had an extra sense or something. I would have appreciated it much more if she came clean and told me whats on her mind.

You never know, he might have a new found respect for you if you meet the problem head on.

Thats my advice :)
 
easy.. you can withdraw from him by saying that youve got other things to do.. wont do you any harm to describe to him why youre busy.. i.e. busy with other mates doing wonder fantastic things.. that hes not part of.. (obviously you dont say that) .. thats basically saying it without saying it.. right..

i dont see the point in coming out and saying it because theres no good reason to be confrontational.. it just burns your bridges.. keep your options open ;)

if youve got a lot of mates then i would say just withdraw completely... why bother with that kinda crap when you dont have to?

on the other hand if hes one of few friends.. you might wanna withdraw temporarily to see if he respondes with a better attitude towards you..

either way always keep a look out for new mates ;)
 
The only problem is that he is part of the same climbing club that I am with, which is fine because I have no problem with hanging around with him, just not in the way we have been doing so far.
 
CBS all I can say is that with all my friends both male and female I'm very clear in what I say to them, I don't dwell on things and I'm quite up front in general. Most of them really like it, especially the guys as they know exactly where they stand with me. I honestly think he'd not mind talking about it with you if your really that good a mate to him, both of you have probably done or said some things your not too proud off but I really don't think that distancing yourself is the answer. Surely talking to him, getting this sorted so you two can get back to being friends properly, he's not much of a friend if he's stabbing you in the back and your not much of a friend if you want to avoid him :)
 
yeah ok well the answer (to me at least) is very clear... dont come out and say it because being confrontational risks it blowing up in your face... and you dont want that because it might spoil your activities at your climbing club...

make yourself busy ;)
 
I'm not going to be confrontational, I do not wisht to hold it over him and he is free to keep his behaviour if he wishes - I just do not believe it is healthy for either of us
 
cleanbluesky said:
Hmmmmm....

Last night I realised that I think I need to distance myself from a buddy of mine. I found myself competing for the attention of a girl, and it is safe to say it got slightly snide at a few points. This event then made me think of some of the disprespectful ways in which my friend has been acting in the last month or so, therefore I have decided that it would be best to distance myself. He is becoming innappropriately critical of me, therefore I am going to back off.

The trouble is that I will often give him lifts, particularly to climbing.
What I propose is that I no longer give him lifts and no longer go on climbing weekends with him, because he has either become too arrogant or has lost respect for me, either way its best to back off.

Now, most likely I will be going for coffee with him. So the question is, do I explain this to him quite honestly or do I just stop arranging to give him lifts and assume he'll get the message?
Click to expand...


I can relate as I have done it recently to a mate in that I was seeking favour off a girl and he was competition...so I set him up with one of my other girl mates, got them together and got him out the equation. Hes happy, I am happy everyones happy :)
 
Spacky said:
I can relate as I have done it recently to a mate in that I was seeking favour off a girl and he was competition...so I set him up with one of my other girl mates, got them together and got him out the equation. Hes happy, I am happy everyones happy :)
Click to expand...

I think the biggest problem is that he would have stepped over me and I would have stepped over him. I have known him for almost a year, yet met the girl last week.

There is something wrong in the equasion.
 
cleanbluesky said:
I think the biggest problem is that he would have stepped over me and I would have stepped over him. I have known him for almost a year, yet met the girl last week.

There is something wrong in the equasion.
Click to expand...

If your friends you should just be able to be honest and direct to each other.

Mates before dates and all that.
 
Don't fight for the girls attention, i wouldn't. Just be yourself. She'll date you if she likes you.

If the mate wants to be a dick over it, lose him. Simple really.
 
egt said:
Don't fight for the girls attention, i wouldn't. Just be yourself. She'll date you if she likes you.
Click to expand...

This is part of what the problem is. I only just met the girl, I placed myself in competition with him and he was up for it.

I shouldn't have done it. I fancied her last week, then I turn up this week and was nonchalant. Then he starts chatting her up and *BOOM*, its a prioity that I must chat her up...

If the mate wants to be a dick over it, lose him. Simple really.
Click to expand...

I cannot blame him for competing as it is something that wouldn't have happened were I not up for it.

As far as the arrogance and dependence on lifts is concerned, that is a seperate matter...
 
I'm not sure if you should fall out over a girl... fair enough?

Having said that, if you really do want to distance yourself from him telling him outright (if you have the balls to do it!) is probably the best way to make a clean break. On the other hand, it may be more diplomatic to drop a few subtle hints like stop arranging lifts with him... just don't underestimate some people's inability to take a hint!!

I have two friends I really wouldn't mind distancing myself from.
The first guy, is pretty boring every day, but has a high opinion of himself and feels he should always get his way. The other guy is selfish in a different way. He'd basically gossip about me behind my back to some one he hardly knows just to make himself feel better.

Anyway when I decided to go to Australia (i'm back now) I actually told them I was looking forward to going over on my own. Then they booked a flight to the same place I was and were saying stuff like "it's good we have some one to go over to" and "it'll be handy that you're over there because you can arrange accommodation", etc. I had the greyhound pass so I kept moving on to the next city, only for them to catch up with me a few days later. My mother was saying, "it's a big continent, you don't have to meet them if you don't want to" but things aren't that easy when the people involved are meant to be your friends. So I'm home now anyway and I'm just glad they're still over there.

Anyway (sorry for hijacking your thread!) but the trouble with friends, you can fall into a rut where even though you're at each other's throats it can be difficult to just go your separate ways... you have shared activities, mutual friends, basically just routines that your friends are a part of.

See if he can take the hint (not arranging lifts) and if he can't it might just be best to tell him you don't want to be his friend anymore. Trust me, you've known this guy for a year, right? The longer you leave it the harder it will be to get rid of him.
 
You have to ask yourself if you want the girl just to win the 'competition' with your mate or you genuinely like her. If it's the former then it's just not worth it IMO.
 
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