Choose Your Own Adventure™ - OcUK Style

[Seraphim]

Welcome, brave adventurers, to a world of goblins, elves, dungeons and small slimy things that squish under your feet when you’re walking down a neverending set of stone steps – welcome to the Choose Your Own Adventure™ thread, where you get to choose what happens in ALMOST REAL TIME. For each post in this thread, a situation shall be described, and I will present you with a variety of options for you to continue your quest. The first choice received via the medium of the Interweb will be the path chosen – but beware, for you must choose wisely, for not all paths lead to the goal.

Speaking of which, what is the goal of this most noble and worth quest? I dunno, some enchanted cup or imprisoned beauty or some crap like that. But it’s not the prize that’s important, it’s the taking part that counts. Isn’t it? So, without further bleating, I present you with your first chapter…

You leave your comfortable 3 bedroom semi-detached cave high in the woodlands of Enchantia, a magical land where poverty, crime, injustice and sexually transmitted infections do not exist. A veritable utopia, you might think, except for doctors specialising in genito-urinary medicine. But all is not well in the land of Enchantia, as evil Lord Gilly III has stolen something very important from some people who want it back quite badly. Quite what it is that’s been stolen and from who I’m not quite sure, as I’ve not written that bit yet. It’s probably postcounts or something stupid like that. But anyway, I digress… You exit your front door and find yourself standing at a wide crossroads where 4 roads meet (oddly enough) – rudimentary roadways stretch out to all four compass points.

Nice and easy one to start. Which way do you go?

A) North
B) East
C) South
D) West
E) "Beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice"

 

[Seraphim]

OK, let's get this one out of the way first...

Originally posted by Devo
"Beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice"

You start to spin on the spot, at first delighted with the sensation, then somewhat nauseous, then as the spinning reaches into the high 1000rpm's, you become quite petrified. In a flash you are transported to some crazy moon-world of sand and other crazy things. A black and white striped sandworm looms into view out of the sand and comes crashing down on top of you. Without delving into the physics of the whole process, you are squashed beneath the almighty weight of the worm. Looks like you made the wrong choice there, champ!

Originally posted by Matthew-1985
North.

You walk for what seems like miles on the dusty roads, hoping that something interesting comes your way soon; otherwise this thread will be exceptionally short and crap. Just as soon as the thought exits your mind, something interesting does turn up. A mountain looms out of the distance, as tall as the clouds and the colour of dull metal. As you make your way to the base of the cliff face, you spot an escalator stuck to the side of the rock, conveniently placed for any travellers wishing to work their way up to the top of the huge mound of rock. Do you:

A) Take the escalator
B) Work your way up the near-vertical slope with your bare hands

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by Misology
B) Work your way up the near-vertical slope with your bare hands

Deciding to eschew the ease of the escalator for the manly challenge of the climb, you begin to ready yourself for the daunting climb ahead. The climbing lessons your mum made you take at school soon pay off and you lock into the 'zone', climbing like a monkey on amphetamines. Soon enough, you reach the halfway point, when all of a sudden a small opening in the rock attracts your attention, thanks to some strange noises emanating from within. You are intrigued, and want to investigate. Do you…

A) Listen to your instincts, and go into the cave
B) Sod your instincts, and continue up the slope
C) Let go of the rockface

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by Misology
C) Let go of the rockface

Shutting off the part of your brain which controls your actions (the same part that stops you shouting swearwords in church), you relax your fingers and fall gracefully from the rockface. Pirouetting as you tumble, like some anorexic Russian gymnast, you piledrive into the unforgiving rock below, ending your short, yet eventful career as an adventurer. Maybe you should consider a new career as an office worker or something.

Originally posted by Matthew-1985
Listen to your instincts, and go into the cave.

Edit: To late.

You tentatively enter the cavern, and are greeted with the foulest stench imaginable – a repugnant combination of various bodily fluids, stale fish and, strangest of all, cheese and ham bagels. Despite the full-on assault on your nasal nerves, you fight your way through the blanket of fetid air to find out what lays in the depths of the compact yet bijou hole.

After a few metres of exploration, you hear something in the corner – a sound that chills your heart and sends your lunch rocketing towards your rectum. Locked with fear, you watch helplessly as you see a pale, bony hand appear on a rock near you, followed by another. Strange, semi-transparent liquid oozes from the palms of the creature, coating everything it touches with a sticky residue. Eventually, the creature brings its face into view, exposing large, deep-set eyes in a pale, almost translucent face. Struck with panic, you realize it’s the mythical creature so often talked about in the chattering masses back in your village – it’s Matthew-1985.

Now is the time you will show your true colours. Do you…

A) Offer your hand in a gesture of non-aggression and friendship
B) Take out your trusty hunting knife and end the repellent creature’s misery
C) Run away screaming

All in jest, I assure thee

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by VDO
B) Take out your trusty hunting knife and end the repellent creature’s misery

Never one to stand by and watch suffering, you pull out the hunting knife your wierd uncle gave to you, and prepare to ram the blade deep within the creature's face. Just as you pull back to get a good swing on the knife, you lock eyes with the pitiful, moaning creature. Somewhere, buried within the skull you stare at, you can see a flicker of something. Something great, yet masked by the horrible odours coming from the beast's armpits.

Overcome by compassion and empathy, you break down in tears. You could never kill such a creature - only God has the right to take life as he sees fit. You turn to leave, and try to put your knife back in it's sheath - but due to your complete ineptness as an adventurer (you did let go of that rockface, remember?), you miss the sheath entirely and plunge the blade into the gut of Matthew-1985. With a startled expression on his face, he looks at you with something like disappointment in his eyes. He slumps to the floor in a sticky, bloody mess.

Disappointed in yourself, you sigh and contemplate your next move. Do you...

A) Continue deeper in the cave
B) Go back outside and climb further

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by scherzo
A) Continue deeper in the cave

Wandering into the cave, you pass row upon row of neatly stacked and ordered magazines - most, if not all are of the 'lad-mag' variety so popular with the teenage boys back in the village. Copies of FTM (For Thee Magazine), Maximus and Knights Only are collected in massive vaults which penetrate deep within the bowels of the mountain. Just as you pass the "I'd hit it" aisle, you see a rope dangling seductively from the high ceiling. A choice emerges in your mind:

A) Climb the rope
B) Sit down, read some jazz mags, 'entertain' yourself
C) Climb the rope, all the while making loud Tarzan impressions

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by VDO
B) Sit down, read some jazz mags, 'entertain' yourself

Just as you sit down to 'read' the magazines in the aisle marked "Smut", you die. God doesn't like boys who touch themselves, apparently.

Originally posted by Malt_Vinegar
AAAAAAA

It's difficult work, but you begin shimmying your way up the rope - gaining more and more rope burns every painful time you rise up. You eventually reach the top to where a small opening leads to what you think may be daylight. The hole is rather small, but you like to think of yourself as athletic, and so try to squeeze yourself through. Just as your hips pass into the opening, your knife slips out of it's sheath and tumbles downward towards the magazines below. Powerless to stop it, you watch as it silently falls to the floor, where it impales a picture of Jordaine just below her left nipple. Ouch. She always wanted more surgery, but I don't think that was what she had in mind.

You reach the top of the mountain, gasping for breath and on the verge of death. Temperatures at this height are nearly below zero and the air is thinner than Jodie Marsh’s g-string. Just as you feel the cold embrace of unconsciousness, a hand grabs yours and lifts you up. The face staring back at you is that of the renowned daredevil Scuzi! Relieved, you hug the man for saving your life, only to be met by a string of incomprehensible noises. You think he’s trying to talk to you.

“Aye, y’ne’er ken jumble oy thar, y’know? Tahp o thmorn tyeh”

Bemused and scared by the noises the big man is making, you simply nod in the hope it will result in something that’ll progress this story. Without saying another ‘word’, the crazy loon straps on some odd-looking dials, knobs, switches, levers knobs, wires and more knobs, and walks over to a contraption that looks suspiciously like something that’ll fall off the edge of the mountain any minute. He straps himself into one of the seats and look back towards you expectantly. You start to wonder if by nodding you agreed to something.

“Wll lad, y’cmag psihre seuhgoa? Ah, t’beshr t’beshr.”

Oh dear. What do you do?

A) Climb into the seat next to him and hold on for dear life
B) Tell him to stick his ‘flying’ machine where he poops from
C) Dance a jig, crack open a can of Guinness and enact every stereotypical and probably quite offensive Irish characteristic you know.

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by Fusion
B) Tell him to stick his ‘flying’ machine where he poops from

I ain't getting in no plane, fool!

Mustering up the courage to speak your mind to the madman, you stride up to the apparatus balanced on the edge of the cliff. You speak your words, indicating that you'd like Scuzi to stick his plane up his pooper, but he appears not to hear you - probably due to the immense noise generated by the engines glued to the wings. You lean in, hoping to gain his attention, but as soon as you lean towards the machine, he forcefully grabs you by the throat and yanks you into the primitive cockpit. Maybe he did hear you after all...

He thrusts the plane into first gear (or whatever planes have) and soon you are hurtling down the side of the mountain quicker than Jordaine's pants. With a few minor adjustments to the knobs and buttons and dials adorning himself, the apparatus glides out from the mountain and starts soaring over the landscape of Enchantia. After a few hours of flying, you start to get bored. You ask Scuzi if he'd mind landing now, as you've really got to be somewhere. He doesn't seem to hear you, but then dives sharply in a kamikaze-style death-dive. The airframe creaks and groans as the craft pitches towards the ground and imminent death. You start praying. But luckily, a large bank of trees cushions your fall. Well, when I say 'cushion', I mean 'reduce your injuries to less than life-threatening, but killing the pilot outright'. Maybe he'd have been more understanding if you'd willingly come along.

You survey your surroundings - there is an attractive-looking entrance set into the hillside on your left, while a path snakes invitingly on your right, through the trees...

A) Enter the hillside
B) Follow the path

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by mojojoejo
enter the hillside

Tentatively, you step towards the entrance placed into the side of the hill - you carefully push open the tastefully decorated door with your hand, to be greeted with a wonderously furnished dungeonesque hallway - it's all the rage these days, ever since that play Changing Dungeons was on at the Globe.

As you decend deeper, the dungeons slowly change into the standard 3x7ft stone cladding that's so popular - although you're not quite sure that the fuchsia colour scheme quite goes with the skulls of previously defeated enemies that hang on the walls. You're all too busy admiring the wonderful paint scheme of the dungeon walls to notice the increasingly sticky webs that are stretching across the ceiling. Without realising it, you idiotically step into the vicious claws of a deadly Camel Spider. Hissing and shrieking, the spider opens its sizeable jaws and readies itself for a tasty meal of adventurer a la fear, only to be stopped short by the crack of a whip. You crank your head sideways to see the wielder of the whip... Lo and behold, walking out of the shadows like some kind of loony madman emerges Enchantia's very own Spiderman, Lopéz.

Cackling wildly and rubbing his hands together with glee, the arachnophile approaches your prone frame with something akin to excitement. Spiders crawl all over his body, peeking out from pockets, disappearing into his Medusa-like tangles of hair and surfacing from places altogether more unsanitary. You see the glint of insanity in the eyes of Lopéz, and you begin to think that this man is truly unhinged. As if one crazed spider-mad loon isn't enough, the banshee-like shrieks of Lopéz's quite insane spider-breeding wife LostKat pierce the air. She rounds the corner on her electronically controlled mechanical spiderlegs she had made by the renowned Mad Scientist and part-time engineer Telescopi - possibly in an attempt to turn herself into a spider or something equally nuts. They loopy pair begin to close in on you.

This really is a tricky predicament. What do you do?

A) Slice the spider's face open with your knife - you can't do this; you don't have the knife!
B) Shout "Spellcasting! T, E, A, P, O, T, F, A, C, E."
C) Wet your underpants
D) Start singing

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by Andelusion
C) Wet your underpants

You've always been born with a gift. Not much of a gift, but a gift nonetheless. You can always wet yourself on command - even after denying yourself water for days, you can still unleash a torrent of urine at will. You remember back to the days at school when the bigger boys forced you to wet yourself for 4 hours straight - at the end you were a dehydrated mess, but you'd earned their respect.

Taking full advantage of this 'skill', you let go, and as if by magic a puddle begins forming around your feet. Then your ankles, your knees, your abdomen, and then it's up to your chin. The camel spider has long since let go, and the cackling spider-couple also left their lair a long time ago - leaving you alone in what will soon become your urine-soaked tomb. Your death is inescapable, and you soon drown in your own waste. What an end.

Originally posted by Hoowah
B

You shout out the command, wishing and hoping that Treguard will hear your call and stop the game. But then you remember this isn't Knightmare, and a sense of dread develops in your tiny mind. But that thought doesn't last long, as the camel spider cleanly bites off your face. The deranged Lopéz stuffs your body in a wheelbarrow and carts your sorry corpse off into the depths of the lair. You're outta here!

Originally posted by mojojoejo
D - might work on hippies...

Struck by fear and panic, you begin singing. Starting off with the theme to Postman Pat, you work your way through the classics of Convoy, Nelly the Elephant and Scatman's World; looking around yourself, you notice your enemies seem entranced - locked down in their grimy lair they obviously don't hear music often, even stuff like the Fast Food Rockers. Taking advantage of the hypnotic effect of your singing, you start singing the recent number 1 hit (number 2 in my opinion. Geddit?) 'Babycakes' from popular beat combo '3 of a Kind'. Within seconds of the chorus, the three people standing between you and freedom drop to the floor in a coma. The power of music truly is astounding.

You work your way through the spiderwebs to the entrance on the other side, to be greeted with a wonderous lake, as blue as the sky and as flat as the Cheeky Girls. This would be a good time to clean all the bits of web and camel spider spit off yourself. But how?

A) Dive in the lake
B) Splash a little of the water on yourself

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by mojojoejo
B... splashy splashy

You approach the edge of the lake and take a look around - there's not much here, just a small handwritten sign that says ‘Araf Llyn Gwasanaeth Croeso’ - must be the name of the lake or something. Or it could be a warning. Either way, you continue on. You sheepishly look around to check that no-one is looking, then take your clothes off to give them a good wash. You mum was always harking on about washing clothes well, but then everyone did call her a scrubber. You strip down to your rather dashing beige/brown y-fronts and bend down to give yourself and your clothes a damn good scrubbing. Before you can dip your hands into the enticing blue waters, they begin to part in front of you and through the misty darkness you can see a figure emerging from the depths. Without as much as a hello, good morning or some such greeting, you are on your knees, in your pants and face to face with the legendary mistress of the waters, the much-talked about (and salivated about) Piggymon, the Wonderfully Wicked Welsh Witch of the West Waters. Woah.

Entranced by her diminutive frame, you blurt out a series of nonsensical syllables that almost represent the English language, but stop several steps short of something that can be understood. Your brain has been reduced to a soft jelly-like substance – while you are powerless to resist, she utters some strange moon-language at you. “Bore da! Mae’r te ma’n ofnadwy” she purrs, “Ty bach?” An uncomfortable silence embraces the two of you. You struggle to comprehend what she just asked you. You have to say something. What do you say?

A) “Yes”
B) “No”
C) “Slightly itchy, but it’s clearing up now”
D) “Rhyw?”

[EDIT] The adventure continues after I get some food... Back soon.

 

[Seraphim]

Argh, real life interjects. The story will continue tomorrow. Until then...

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

[Seraphim]

THE QUEST CONTINUES...

Originally posted by Hoowah
d

“Rhyw?” you say confidently. Several seconds pass, and then things begin to happen. The sky darkens, the previously calm waters of the lake turn as black as night and as choppy as Doom3 on a 386. A look of pure anger slides into place on the maiden's face, her features growing twisted with rage. I think you've said something to upset her. Slowly, she ratchets back her hand into an arched pose, ready to deliver an almighty Piggy Slap™ to your head. With a deafening crack, she lets rip (not like that, you filthy-minded fools) and delivers a punishing blow to your noggin, sending it sideways at a fair old pace. Unfortunately for you, your body does not follow suit, and parts company with your body on the spot. You die an instant death. Fool.

Originally posted by chopchop
c

“Slightly itchy, but it’s clearing up now”, you say, eagerly expecting something to happen. Unfortunately, nothing does. She turns her back on you, and begins to softly glide down into the murkey depths from which she came. Just as she disappears into the water, she nonchalantly tosses you a fearsome looking stick, about 2 feet long with a very pointy end. You're not entirely sure what it's for (and given what you said, you hope it's not for that), but no doubt we'll find out later, eh?

You confidently stroll away from the lake, with a freshly laundered set of clothes and a spring in your step. As you merrily walk along, the trees part and you catch a fleeting glimpse of the castle on the big nasty hill where the evil Lord Gilly lives - it's a terrible, gothic-looking building, with ornate spires, hideous gargoyles and millions of old, rotting footballs in the gutters - think Count Duckula's castle, just with more menace. This must be the place that all the balls go when they get lost on roofs, up trees and when they get kicked onto motorways. You instantly know you have to enter the castle at all costs. But how to get there?

A) Take the sneaky-but-perilous back entrance
B) Walk up to the front door
C) Say 'sod it', return to your house and never embark on a stupid quest again

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by mojojoejo
a

Always a fan of the 'tradesmans entrance', you opt for the ninja-styled sneak attack. You reach the outer walls of the castle compound, unsure of whether the signs that said "Warning: Grounds patrolled by dogs that shoot bees from their mouths" was just a bluff or for real. Nevertheless, once you've made a decision, you never go back on it, so you've got to continue on. It takes a few minutes for you to work your way around to the back of the grounds, but a few more to find where to gain entrance. Eventually, you find a moss-covered door set into the grand walls.

You push open the iron-clad door, and it gives way with a shrieking wail, reminiscent of a very 'vocal' girlfriend you had once. Your brief trip back in the misty memories of long ago is soon interrupted, however, by a incessant buzzing sound. A familiar sound. A bit like bees. Like bees. BEES!

You quickly turn around, to be met by a sight that would chill the bones of even the sturdiest pirate - big, burly Rottweiler dogs, releasing more and more deadly bees with every soundless bark. A great column of bees now headed your way are travelling at speed, and on a collision course. You desparately try to close the door, but it seems to have seized open! Just as all hope seems lost, you are grabbed from behind and thrown 20 metres into the castle. The door is slammed shut by some unseen force. What could have done this? And why? You try to adjust your vision to the darkness of your new surroundings, but your eyes won’t work properly. You see a short figure approaching your position? What do you do?

A) Wait to see who it is
B) Scramble away on all fours

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by Windle
'A'

Suddenly, with a burst of previously-unseen confidence, you decide to let the mysterious being come into the light. As it approaches, you see small, fur-covered boots. Then, as he approaches (you can tell by the impressive beard) you, you notice he seems quite friendly…

“Ey up, lad. I’m Jono, Dwarf of the Dales, Quixotic the Exotic, commander of the bees and loads else. You trying to break in here or summert?”

You assure the diminutive yet powerful fellow that you were only trying to deliver the local free paper, and got lost on the way. He seems perplexed, as if he didn’t understand what you just said. He roughly grabs you by the collar and throws you another 20 metres down the hallway. Then he does it again. And again, and again. I think you made him angry. You are thrown once more, and your back crashes painfully into the bottom step of a set of stairs – the angry dwarf looks at you, and lifts his head momentarily – he wants you to climb the stairs. After 10 long minutes of stair-climbing, you reach the top, where the irritable dwarf kicks you in the shins, and drags you off to a cell. This must be the castle’s prison, where they incarcerate those who are banished from the streets of Enchantia. You look around your new surroundings, and see the pale faces of the notorious few who have outstayed their welcome: Yoshitsune cowers in the corner, chalking words on the wall, while Emzay stands naked in the corner, ever hopeful that someone will take notice. The rest are a pitiful bunch, ranging from self-proclaimed super-intelligent egomaniacs to mad old Welshmen. And now you’ve joined their ranks.

You begin for formulate a plan. But what plan?

A) Resign to your fate, crouch down in the corner and slowly rock back and forth until you die
B) Use the pointy stick Piggymon gave you to cause havoc
C) Start a conversation with one of your inmates

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by googoodoll1981
c

Wanting to make the most of your stay in here, you try to talk to one of the inmates. You spot Jailbird pacing back and forth, and try to talk. You start to mention the weather, but instantly the man starts talking loudly about the injustice of it all, and how unfair it is. Within seconds, the madman is a whirling, furious tornado of abuse – you can’t make out many words, but you manage to hear many your older brothers taught you when you were a nipper. As the demented nutter whirls around the enclosed space, the other inmates become agitated and begin their own loopy dances of swearing and abuse. The room is soon filled with whirling, whining nutcases, swearing they were innocent and that it’s all a conspiracy. Their rampant rotations shake the very foundations of the jail, loosening fixtures and sending cell walls falling. You see a gap in your cell wall has formed, and it’s big enough to squirm through! You exit the primitive jail, and work your way up the castle stairs once more.

You pass through corridor after corridor, observing the hundreds of rooms that this castle contains. As you go ever higher, some rooms are occupied – you spot Alphanumeric in one particularly well-equipped room, concocting some chemical from bubbling vats and intricate pipery. Opposite the scientist are three subjects, labelled A, K and E. One is staring at his hands and moving them slowly in circles, one is barely moving, and the other is jiggling around and hugging the other two. Such experiments must be immoral, you think to yourself. Another room reveals Gibbo, the insane part-man, part-machine who’s every waking moment is dedicated to wringing extra brainpower out of himself. Forever confined to the limits of his room, due to the giant copper heatsink he has affixed to his head, he slowly clicks the dial on the side of his head one click at a time. With every click, he visibly judders and his eyes dart around. The screams of the 16 24” Delta’s he has focused on himself rise in pitch with every click.

Distracted by the goings on in the room, you stumble into something cold, hard and cylindrical. “Howdy there. Y’fancy comin’ with me fella? I think there’s someone here who wants to speak with you…” a voice calmly says. You crane your neck upwards to be met with the sight many in Enchantia fear – the gunslinger Feek has his weapon pressed tightly into your stomach! Not wishing to upset the gun-wielding protector of Lord Gilly, you agree to his demands, at which point you are marched off to the top of the castle.

You eventually reach some deep red doors, with golden fittings and the letters LUFC inscribed on them. Feek stands in the way. “D’ya feel lucky punk? Well, do ya?”

A) Yeah
B) Nah

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by Hoowah
a, might as well get my 3rd death!

“Yeah, I feel lucky. Do you?” you blurt out, hardly thinking of the consequences. Before you even get a chance to draw a breath, Feek has drawn his gun, and fired. In a moment of confusion, you look around. No burning pain, no blood, no bullet. What’s going on? Just as you look up to lock eyes with your adversary, you feel a sharp pain in you shoulder, then your leg, and then your hand. It’s then that you see the bullet fly backwards towards the gun in Feek’s hand, and that’s when it hits you. The bullet fired was the very same ‘magic’ bullet that killed the President of the USA, John F Kennedy all those years ago, in that other world. And now it’s struck you three times. You fool. Rubbing his hands with glee, Feek opens the rich red coloured doors and saunters inwards – but you remember the pointy stick Piggymon gave you, and throw it feebly towards the towering gunsmith. As if possessed by the very same magic that powers the bullet, the stick accelerates wildly and knocks the gun clean out of Feek’s hand. Shocked, he wheels round, only to be caught on the stick’s return journey. It pierces the crotch of his trousers, skimming his delicates by millimetres, and impacts the wall with a resounding thunk. Powerless to escape, and held aloft by his pants, Feek hangs on the wall, a dejected figure.

After making some primitive bandages out of your clothes, you hobble into the grand hall through the conveniently placed door – your gaze wanders around the room, but is instinctively drawn to the massive dining table in the middle, and the ornate throne that is at the far end. As if anticipating your arrival, the throne swings round to reveal the very menace who has stolen Enchantia’s postcounts – evil Lord Gilly himself!

“’Ow do? ‘Spect thee’ll be wantin’ they posts back now? Well, prove thy worth!”

You’re bemused, befuddled, scared and a few other adjectives that don’t quite fit. You’re not entirely sure what he want you to do…

A) Dance the Macarena
B) Go on about how your postcount means so much to you, and how you’re less of a man without it
C) Do some Mr T impressions

 

[Seraphim]

Originally posted by googoodoll1981
c

As you start spouting every Mr T impression that you can think of (which isn’t that many), a smile begins to form on the evil Lord’s face – at first, it’s merely a raised corner, then both corners, and then it’s a full, teeth-bearing smile. You’re shocked – all the stories that go around the village paint this man as being the most evil man since Hitler (and some rumours place him above even Hitler), and yet here you are, entertaining him with your talk of planes, fools, milk and pity. Maybe the rumours just aren’t true after all?

Suddenly, the smile disappears, and the stony expression returns to the face of Gilly. After a short silence, he speaks.

“I’ve been thinkin’ lad. I don’t need these posts, they’re meaningless, just numbers. Maybe you should give them back to who they belong?”

He hands you over a big bag, weighing several kilos, of postcounts. Looking through them, you see posts from all kinds of people. This is going to be quite a task, giving these back to the rightful owners. But you were looking for a job anyway, after you were fired from that call centre job for calling that customer a ******* ****.

You go back home, deliver the postcounts, and live happily ever after. And even evil Lord Gilly lives happily ever after, changing not long after your encounter into Happy-Happy-Fun Lord Gilly, who holds bouncy-castle parties for kids and gives money out to all who ask for it. Or something like that anyway.

THE END

Well, the end sucks, and that was harder than I thought, but what the hell. It was nice to be creative for once. Thanks for playing along, and reading all that crap I wrote. Bye!

 

[Seraphim]

Glad you all enjoyed it, even those of you who were turned into hideous beasts, freaks and dwarves. I'm all written out - I've written nearly as many words in this thread as I did in my final year project write-up.