OK, lets roll. Bold are my comments:
Personal Profile
Having recently
remove 'recently' .. makes it seem like you have little experience in industrycompleted my HND in Technical Support I know that
remove 'I know that I have a sufficient
change 'sufficient' to 'good' knowledge base and a desire to learn more about the IT field
'IT field is not specific enoughwhich will allow me to fulfil
contine fulfilling my aim of becoming a network administrator.
I have proven myself to be a committed, hard working and highly motivated individual
I am proven to be a ... otherwise sounds like you've just put those values on to yourself....
Furthermore my excellent organisational and communication skills combine well with my pro active attitude and attention to detail, along with my proven ability to learn new skills and develop existing skills
This sentence is too long. Reword, so you can put a full stop after 'detail'.
Key Skills
Worked with Windows operating system, XP, Vista & Windows 7 for many years.
How many? Also reads badly. XP IS a Windows operating system, so why have you listed them as two different things?
2 Years Windows Server 2003 Experience.
Currently studying towards my MCITP: Server Administrator and MCITP: Desktop Support Technician 7 certifications.
When completing? expected result (hint: you are expecting to get top marks)
Good knowledge of the Microsoft Office suite including 2007 and 2010
At interview they'll ask you about some of the differences between the two probably. Do you know how to answer?
Proficient with Networking, Hardware setups and Maintenance in varying levels
Get rid of 'in varying levels' as it effectively destroys the whole sentence. I'm probably sufficient at communicating with dolphins 'in varying levels'.
Intermediate knowledge of VB .Net
Familiar with Linux distributions and scripting
Hope you can answer technical questions on it then! 
Work History
Arthur McKay, Loanhead Jan 2011 - Feb 2011
Voluntary Work Experience
Get rid of the word voluntary .. if they don't ask, they don't need to know. Saying 'you had to work for free' is effectively putting yourself down
During the work placement
get rid of the word 'placement'. If they don't ask, they don't need to know I got to experience
add 'working in line 1, 2 and 3 support, working with a multi site business. My placement was spent supporting the employees with any technical issues, backing up the company servers via a tape system and working with an online based support desk system.
Sea.fari Adventures Forth, North Berwick Aug 2008 - Sep 2010
Shore Manager
Duties included the supplying of customers with kit, touting
touting? Isn't this the art of trying to force a sale on someone thats not really interested? Eugh! remove it, maintaining the security of customers to and from the boat, liaising with the skipper and management and organising private trips for customers.
Did you even SEE a computer during your time there -- if you did .. THATS what you should be writing about (with significant exageration)
This was a seasonal post only
Get rid of this sentence - it does nothing to big you up so whats the point in it being here?
Scottish Seabird Centre, North Berwick Feb 2009 - Jul 2009
Voluntary Work Experience
Get rid of word volunteer
I volunteered to work on the computer side of the company
Due to my IT capabilities I was chosen to work within the IT department. During my time at the centre I helped install remote web cameras on the coastal islands for visitors to see the wildlife
Get rid of 'for visitors to see the wildlife. Who cares why you did it .. they just want to know that you can, and did, do it. Instead use the space to write about what an amazing success YOUR part of the project wasalong with maintaining the streaming web site video feeds
How did it go? Perfectly yea? Well say so, including the fact you spent extra hours ENSURING the project was a success!. The Scottish Seabird Centre is a world class remote viewing tourist attraction.
Who cares? Delete sentence
Education & Training
Jewel and Esk College, Edinburgh Jul 2011
HND Technical Support - Gaining an A grade in my End of Year Project
Just change this to 'Grade: A'
Jewel and Esk College, Edinburgh Jul 2010
HNC Computing - Gaining an A grade in my End of Year Exam
I'd just write 'Grade: A'
Additional Information
Interests & Hobbies
In my spare time I enjoy spending time with friends, going to the cinema, online gaming in which I host and maintain multiple gaming server
typo. serverS and playing golf.
I also enjoy testing and troubleshooting new ideas on my own multi platform home network which I have built.
Put the network stuff first - its most relevent
Driving Licence: Full / UK
Clean? If so .. write that fact
Other Relevant Information
I Achieved 2nd place in the World Skills UK 2011 Microsoft IT Technician Competition Scottish Heat.
Excellent. So good maybe should be further up the CV (somewhere)
I have excellent communication and problem solving skills, time management and working to deadlines within a working environment.
References
Available upon request
With all your work history -- go on about ANYTHING you did with IT. Less about 'visitors looked at wild birds' - more about 'Used the customer ordering system to facilitate and organise IT trading' (in other words .. used the cash register on occasion
sorry xD ))