‘Discovering my true sexual self’: why I embraced polyamory (RSS style post)

dowie · 20 Jan 2018 at 20:28

**warning - RSS style post**

Guardian article today:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jan/20/why-i-chose-polyamory-anita-cassidy

It was the hardest thing I’d ever had to say to my husband, Marc. Three years ago, I sat down and told him: “The idea of having sex just with you for the next 40 years – I can’t do it any more.” But I had come to realise that my life was built around something I didn’t believe in: monogamy.

We had been together for 12 years and had two children, now nine and seven. I love being a mother and I set the bar high from the start – cloth nappies and cooking from scratch. But I needed something more in my emotional and sexual life.

Marc’s reaction was remarkable; he agreed to support me and open our marriage to other partners, although it wasn’t really what he wanted. We started counselling to try to identify the best of what we had, to save it and protect it. Sex is a big part of a relationship, but it is only a part. We didn’t want it to scupper us.

Basically it seems like she's just cuckolded her husband, he's clearly not interested in the whole poly thing and it is useful presumably for her to keep him around to finance the household (though they don't declare in the article whether they both work full time and what they do). Presumably he's also a bit too frightened about losing the house/kids etc..

The other telling bit is that she is apparently jealous when her lover went away on holiday with another woman - seems to be a bit of a have your cake and eat it attitude.

I'm not in principle opposed to polyamory and I believe we probably should recognised multiple marriage in law in this country, we were willing to change the law for same sex couples so probably should for people in more than just a couple too. However in this example of such a relationship it doesn't seem to be too balanced as one person clearly has a preference for monogamy and has had the poly thing dropped on him after already having had kids and committed to a monogamous relationship.

The comments section is hilarious too

dowie · 20 Jan 2018 at 21:37

hmm in true guardian style they've omitted some rather important details....

https://twitter.com/AnitaCassidy76/status/954689088048828416

seemingly she actually spilt up with her husband last year, which isn't too much of a surprise

dowie · 20 Jan 2018 at 22:17

explicit4u said:
If the guy doesn't like it then he should tell her, she's not holding a gun to his head (although i understand the difficulty in making a decision to end it because of the kids).

Out of interest would you have the same sentiments if it was say some middle aged woman who had gone off sex and so the bloke decided to quite openly start using prostitutes (arguably a bit less severe than this in that there is just a sexual component and not the other emotional connection the woman in this story had with her new lover)?

dowie · 20 Jan 2018 at 22:27

It just seems a bit dubious, obviously sure people are entitled to ask for a divorce but a marriage is supposed to be, at the start, a life long commitment and a divorce isn't supposed to be something to take lightly. I think things like open relationships and polyamory are things that ought to be agreed to before undertaking a life long commitment as once you've got combined assets and children involved it isn't quite as simple as saying "well I've changed my mind and want to do X, if you don't like it then we can just get divorced" as that can easily put pressure on someone to accept a type of relationship they really don't want to be in but perhaps tolerate for the sake of the kids/not losing their home etc...