Divorcees - a question...

[MouthBoy]

I am not sure how to really word this, but how long did it take you to adjust after everything settled?

Just after Christmas my wife asked me for a divorce. I initially moved out to a friends house, bought a house and last week moved in. I thought I was doing fine (mentally speaking) but last week it all just hit me what had happened, and its hit hard.

We were together almost 15 years and married for almost 10. We have a daughter together too. I really thought I was going to be fine about it all, obviously upset, but god it has hit me this last week. My friends say all the stress of buying a house and then finally getting the keys, alongside all the divorce stuff and also my job being very full on right now probably just got to boiling point, and so it all hit me at once last week when I was physically exhausted moving in.

A good friend told me that I was not myself the last few months and everyone has been worried about me, checking on me all the time etc. I didn't notice at all until last week when its just like all my emotions, and this is the only way I can actually describe it, just turned back on. It is so painful. It is like I just blocked it all out, went on autopilot to get everything sorted, and now 99% of what needs to be sorted is sorted, my mind has turned autopilot off and I am dealing with it all.

I know I have a lot of challenges ahead of me, and I am thankful I have good people around me to help, but still - how long did it take you to adjust?

Does any of that even make sense? Sorry if it didn't. I don't usually make these sort of threads.

 

[MouthBoy]

Doing that put me in a deep depression. That depression culminated in my trying something really stupid in June. Thankfully I am still here and I now have to carry that with me for the rest of my life. Do not let yourself get to that point.

So, I suffer from severe anxiety and moderate depression. A few weeks after being asked for the divorce, I did go on anti-depressants, but came off fairly quickly as they did not suit me. I did have some very low moments, and some scary thoughts, but thankfully never acted.

The best I can say right now is that I was feeling literally numb, just numb and inhuman for weeks and months, but now its flooding out. Tonight I have been slowly getting my new bedroom/office up together and just slowly cabling things up, but my mind is just all over the place and its hard to concentrate.

This weekend was also hard as it was the first time my daughter got to see the house. She is 8, 9 in December, and she kind of understands whats happening. I have ensured she has her own room in the house and its fully hers. This is not "daddy's house" that she visits every 2 weeks, but "our new house" that she just happens to not always live at. On this point, the reason I only see her every 2 weeks is that I have chosen to move away near some friends, roughly 100 miles away, so that I have my friends around. Where I used to live I did consider getting a house but I would have had no one around me, and I would have always felt in the shadow of my previous life if that makes sense?

 

[MouthBoy]

One of the hardest parts for me so far has been missing my daughter. I used to take her to school every day, pick her up at least 50% of the time and have cuddles every day. She is such a proper daddy's little girl. My worry is that now I live so far away (for the right choices) that over time she will be less of the daddy's girl and I am scared she will know me less and I know her less - does that make sense?

I am trying to make every visit the best it can be for her, so its quality of time and not quantity. However, the little things such as the little chats when taking her to school, or when something hasn't gone right for her and shes a little upset so I talk to her about it, stuff like that, this is what I am missing. I want her to know I am still there for her all the time.

 

[MouthBoy]

Thanks for the advice mate.

I am hoping that over the coming weeks and months I can knuckle down and just get back to being myself more.

I have to admit I was very nieve about this sort of stuff and how it affects people. My parents are not divorced, neither are my ex wife's, so I had no compass or experience. It is shockingly hard to go through, and I now am beginning to understand how people felt.

 

[MouthBoy]

I'm still confused by the whole wife asked for divorce out of the blue and the OP is the one leaving the house and his daughter and starting a new life 100 miles away TBH.

Does the wife still stay in the house and who's paying for it?


EDIT: This is not a dig at the OP BTW.

So yea, my wife literally just told me late November she wasn't happy, and then just after Christmas she asked for a divorce. I do not know why.

My wife bought me out the house, which is normal for divorce I guess, and to be honest in my mind it was "our house" and didn't feel right staying there single. So, I moved out and stayed with a mate for a few months.

The reason I moved the distance is that I have moved to a place I have many friends and so I felt like it would be good for me. Yes, there is now 100 miles between me and my daughter which is tough but over the last few months it's worked well enough, but I am worried about the years to come. I did think about moving locally but I would have had no friends around me (I never had many friends in the area) and I knew that I would have become very hermit and probably wouldn't have been good for mental health. Does that make sense? I am going to have to make seeing my daughter as good as possible on the weekends I do see her.

I should say that my wife didn't ask me to move away, it was my choice. I opted for "if I am happy in myself my daughter will get the best from me". It is a gamble of course.

I hope all this makes sense, it's still blurry in my head.

Also, to everyone else who has said things, i am not ignoring anyone. Just been really busy today and had no time to reply.

 

[MouthBoy]

I know you've already bought the house, but in general I'd say try to avoid making big/difficult to change decisions when you are not feeling your usual self.
Best of luck, OP.

Thanks mate. I'm trying to do the best I can with what I have to work with. Unsure if I got this one right, but hoping for the best at the moment.

 

[MouthBoy]

Apologies, my post wasn't a dig at you in any way. Time after time you hear stories about women asking for divorces and then the guy leaves the home with the ex-wife and continues to pay for the home.

No apologies required. I didn't make it clear.

I am paying my part as expected and correct, so no issues there at all. As I say, it was my choice to move and wife was happy with 50/50 but I knew that wouldn't have worked for me mentally. It's kinda hard to explain.

 

[MouthBoy]

I'm confused - did the ex-wife buy you out of the house (and so is making all mortgage payments) or are you still paying for some of the mortgage?

Oh sorry. Yes she's bought me out and I now own my own house. I am paying child maintenance as is expected.

Today I am feeling a little more settled I think. Spent time this week just putting stuff away and making the house as I would like it - as far as I can anyway without buying new furniture atm.

 

[MouthBoy]

I am happy to say, well maybe not happy - but content, that we have agreed that our daughter will always come first. We have agreed all the money side of things and who got what etc out of courts.

Obviously its not great, but we do make sure that I speak to my daughter every day and if she is with me, we call my wife every day too. Means that we both get to see her, even just over the phone, each day. I hope that long term this continues.