Ex partner trying to drag up the past?

Vidar

Vidar

Vidar

Soldato
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So anyway, this is a particularly difficult time of year for me, anyone who knows me personally will tell you, as the 24th of November is my late fathers birthday and the 27th is the day he passed away (yeah 3 days after turning 69, kinda poetic for him actually).


Okay, so during the past week, when picking up and dropping of my children, the ex has been more reasonable than usual, no nasty comments and no upsetting the children. Hell she even spoke to me like a human being in regards to my daughter being off her food as she was getting over a tummy bug. As it was the children's first full weekend with me since we broke up just short of a year ago I offered her the opportunity to speak to them before they went to bed on both nights and that I would text her so she would know when to call. I did and she spoke to the kids both nights which went smoothly.

Handing them over on Sunday also went smoothly, there was again no nasty comments etc and she seemed friendly. Straight away I became very suspicious as the only time my ex is/was ever nice is when she is up to something. (She's a BPD sufferer, for those who may not remember)


Which brings us to this morning, my phone starts ringing and I see its my ex. Now considering the only reason she is supposed to call me is to do with the kids I answered. The long and short of it was that she wanted my opinion on our daughter (aged 3) getting her ears pierced as apparently all of her little friends have them done and she is very girly already which she is. I reluctantly agreed, saying its not something that I like in little girls but as long as it was tasteful then okay and thanked my ex for including me in the decision.

My ex then proceeded to start trying to get me to talk about our breakup, saying untrue things again and expecting me to agree with her so I terminated the call. I mean I'm happy now and that conversation never goes well as she has convinced herself that stuff happened which didn't such as my hitting her. Something I have never and would never do to a woman.

I text her and just said that while I really appreciated being included in the decision that I would not get into another slanging match, to which she replied "insert name, it wasn't a slanging match. Believe that. Even if it was we need to do it to move on or we are always gonna be like this to each other"


Now I haven't replied and don't believe I should as the judge was very specific in our keeping things as limited to the kids as possible. She has done things like this in the past which have been a ruse in order to get me to admit to doing things I haven't done or set to ambush me with her family so she can seem hard done by. I know in my deepest core this is no different but I wish it was.

Oh don't get me wrong I have no intention of ever getting back together with this woman, but I do miss the woman I thought she was and I do miss being there for my kids every day. My second thought on the matter though was to maybe call her bluff, say that okay if she wants to talk about all of this then we do it properly, we go to a relationship therapist. Not to get back together but just to work through all this crap in a safe environment. But even if she agreed to it, I doubt she would acknowledge the truth.

So what do you think, keep ignoring it?
 
From the numerous threads you've made on this, it's pretty clear to everyone - including you - that the woman is toxic and is not the person you want or need her to be. As difficult as I imagine it will be, I'd suggest you're doing the correct thing in keeping the interaction to the absolute minimum unless it is of genuine importance to both of you, i.e. matters relating to your kids. Her being a headcase and wanting to bring you down is not of genuine importance to both of you, it's of importance to her.

From what I remember of your other threads, I thought you were doing a reasonable job of moving on with life, getting out there, shagging a fat girl, and enjoying your life a bit more. You should try and focus on doing more of that.

By the way, reluctantly agreeing to allowing your daughter's ears to be pierced sounds like she cajoled you into it which is not cool. Maybe just the way you typed it though.
 
It needs addressing before it gets to a point where it goes too far. She might say something to someone and the kids overhear and get the wrong idea. Or even go as far as telling them untrue things about you as they are bound to ask at some point.

By the sounds of it, she probably won't agree to the therapist thing but it doesn't hurt to try.
 
"insert name, it wasn't a slanging match. Believe that. Even if it was we need to do it to move on or we are always gonna be like this to each other"

"I have moved on, I don't need to do this in order to be civil"
 
I personally would try and put efforts in to resolve some of the issues if only so that you can be civil for your children's sake.
 
Bickaxe said:
It needs addressing before it gets to a point where it goes too far. She might say something to someone and the kids overhear and get the wrong idea. Or even go as far as telling them untrue things about you as they are bound to ask at some point.

By the sounds of it, she probably won't agree to the therapist thing but it doesn't hurt to try.
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This already happens on a frequent basis, I have to talk to my stop my son who is 5 from saying things loudly about Daddy hitting mummy or stealing from Mummy etc both things that have never happened. Social services are aware and are investigating why he is saying such things.
 
Vidar said:
She's a BPD sufferer, for those who may not remember)

"insert name, it wasn't a slanging match. Believe that. Even if it was we need to do it to move on or we are always gonna be like this to each other"



So what do you think,
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Bi-polar? hmmm, run (if you still can). Sounds like she's been talking to her counsellor (does she go to one of those?) and they've suggested it would be 'good for her' to get some resolution. Imho these things are always about the individual and their condition.

Whatever the case, what is probably suggested as being good for her, is almost certainly going to be bad for you.

Forget relationship counselling - there's no relationship to speak of.

What do I think? Keep bangin' the occasional whale and count yourself lucky you don't live with a nutter anymore. :p ;)

Whatever you might feel about her 'the woman you thought she was' is clearly no-longer there (if she ever was). Stick with the minimal contact as the terms of your separation dictate.
 
Not at all helpful I know but... Ears pierced at three? My daughter is 8 and there are still quite a few years before she gets hers pierced!
 
Keep all texts/calls to just what the kids need ect its best for you
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+1

Also it might be best to start a dairy of all contact like when you have the kids what was arranged .. etc

just stick to your agreed arrangement the court has set up ..

good luck ...
 
RDM said:
Not at all helpful I know but... Ears pierced at three? My daughter is 8 and there are still quite a few years before she gets hers pierced!
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i see very small babys with their ears pierced, im not sure there is really a problem with it, but im also not sure i agree with it.

Once its done, it does no harm...
 
Biohazard said:
" she has convinced herself that stuff happened which didn't such as my hitting her."
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As Mags said earlier, TOXIC WOMAN.
She might have been recording the call, hoping to get you to admit to lies, to use them against you.
Hanging up was the right thing, maintain that profile.

Deal with your children, minimise the toxicity.
 
As said, even a judge has told you to keep contact at a minimum, they say it for a reason, you got to a judge in the first place because personality wise, you do not fit together.

If you go against what a judge says anything that does happen will fall down on you, as she is a bpd sufferer she can easily claim the ill health on anything that happens.

You have already been lied to, she won't apologise for it and is adamant it is true. Why would you give her the time of day for any sake? it's sad enough your kids have to be around that, you will be happier staying away from it.

Stay strong, keep it to the minimum, she is trying to pull you in and you yourself know this will only end bad / worse for you when you are happier for it. just think of the past and what it brought you, and smash some sane pasty.
 
It's just another way for her to pull you back into the drama of her life. Last thing you want to do is sit in a room with her and rehash all the emotional grief you've left behind. It will just drag you down and stop you from moving on.
 
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