Ex wife wants to gets sons surname changed

Nodiggidy123 · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:18

My ex wife who has remarried wants to get my sons surname changed so it's hyphenated sharing mine and her new married name. My son is 4.

Her reasons are she no longer shares the surname and potentially any future children they might have will have a different name. It's also for her benefit as she no longer shares the same name.

I have a reasonable relationship with my ex at present apart from the occasional blip and I know her new husband is a decent guy and he sets a good example for my son.

Even still I'm not happy bout her request and don't want to do it. It feels like I'm being replaced slowly but surely. Not to mention the name would sound ridiculous.

Am I being unreasonable if I refuse?

Diddums · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:20

Yes. He's her kid as much as he is yours.

EDIT: Scrap the above. I misread it as her maiden name. Words is hard.

TallPaul1878 · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:21

Tell her to take a running jump. It's up to the boy anyway if he wants to take his stepfather's name.

If he isn't old enough to make that decision yet then she will have to wait until he is.

It's not unreasonable to request that a decision like that should be left until the boy is old enough to understand what it means.

Nodiggidy123 · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:23

TallPaul1878 said:
Tell her to take a running jump. It's up to the boy anyway if he wants to take his stepfather's name.

If he isn't old enough to make that decision yet then she will have to wait until he is.

It's not unreasonable to request that a decision like that should be left until the boy is old enough to understand what it means.

He's 4. Will update the OP

peterwalkley · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:23

EDIT: <removed as OP said how old child was>

I really can't see any future children caring about surname being different. Its not exactly rare is it.

crinkleshoes · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:24

Let him make the decision when he's 18

d_brennen · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:24

Nodiggidy123 said:
Am I being unreasonable if I refuse?

I think she makes a valid point and at the end of the day it's only paperwork. Be there for your son and make sure he knows his biological dad loves him. If you weren't there in his life, then yes you'd be unreasonable, otherwise your feelings are understandable.

kinobestew123 · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:25

Nodiggidy123 said:
Her reasons are she no longer shares the surname and potentially any future children they might have will have a different name.

Are potential future children going to have the same hyphenated surname as your son? If not then they're still going to have a different surname.

At 4 years old, is he going to understand why his name has changed? Will it make it more difficult for him to write at school/tell people his name?

I'm not a fan of hyphenated surnames generally.

Thekwango · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:25

Nodiggidy123 said:
My ex wife who has remarried wants to get my sons surname changed so it's hyphenated sharing mine and her new married name. My son is 4.
Her reasons are she no longer shares the surname and potentially any future children they might have will have a different name.

so he gets a hyphenated name and any future siblings will just carry her new husbands name..... they are going to have different names then anyway. so that reasoning doesn't work. what she really means is that she will tell you it's hyphenated but in reality the lad will carry her new husbands name.
I'd be saying no as politely as possible.

Nodiggidy123 · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:26

d_brennen said:
I think she makes a valid point and at the end of the day it's only paperwork. Be there for your son and make sure he knows his biological dad loves him. If you weren't there in his life, then yes you'd be unreasonable, otherwise your feelings are understandable.

This is what I mean. I completely understand where she is coming from. But what if she splits with him? I have my own concerns to.

413x · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:28

TallPaul1878 said:
Tell her to take a running jump. It's up to the boy anyway if he wants to take his stepfather's name.

If he isn't old enough to make that decision yet then she will have to wait until he is.

It's not unreasonable to request that a decision like that should be left until the boy is old enough to understand what it means.

I'd agree with this, but not the tone. My step dad contributed so much more to my life than my actual dad. But it was a decision I made.

Steeps · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:40

I'd ask her to wait until the potential new child which is causing the issue of different surnames is on the scene, then talk about it when that happens.

Ayahuasca · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:41

The power play is real.

morguk · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:47

Stick with the name.

TallPaul1878 · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:49

Thekwango said:
so he gets a hyphenated name and any future siblings will just carry her new husbands name..... they are going to have different names then anyway. so that reasoning doesn't work. what she really means is that she will tell you it's hyphenated but in reality the lad will carry her new husbands name.
I'd be saying no as politely as possible.

This. The kids will have different names anyway. It's a pointless exercise and I half suspect it will end up being a case of the OPs surname getting dropped anyway.

Little Billy Jones will become Billy Jones-Davies and then eventually just Billy Davies.

Everyone is different and has had different experiences in life. I'm of the persuasion that if you give an inch they'll take a mile.

This request I would expect to be followed by "oh we're thinking of moving 250 miles away for new hubby's new promotion".

Nodiggidy123 · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:49

I should mention I got engaged myself a month or so ago and my fiancee will be taking my name. I think this is a contributing factor here as well for my ex.

Jean-F · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:52

I had something similar, but a step further with my ex, ages ago.
My visiting times were every other weekend to see my sons, and everything was going smoothly until one Saturday I took them both to visit their grandmother, my mother.
My elder son had a report card from his school, and showed my mother.
She said, “Jean, did you see this?”
I said, “Yes, he’s doing okay isn’t he”, she said “no, I mean this.”
When I looked, I saw what I had missed, his name at the top, instead of being Antoine Genou, was Antoine something else.
I felt the red mist rising up before my eyes, but I contained myself until I took them back on the Sunday, and asked my ex wife for an explanation, she said, “Mick, (the guy she’d been seeing for a while, a real nice man), has asked me to marry him, and it will make life easier if the boys take his name, plus we’re planning on having a baby.”
I said, “So, it’s a fait accompli?” She said, “Just at the school at the moment.”
I said “Well, you’d better tell the school to forget it, I’ll fall in with a lot of things rather than rock the boat, but that is one indelible line in the sand that I will not cross.”
To her eternal credit, she didn’t argue about it.

Nodiggidy123 · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:53

TallPaul1878 said:
This request I would expect to be followed by "oh we're thinking of moving 250 miles away for new hubby's new promotion".

Every time she calls to "talk" I dread this. However Its usually something trivial.

LzR · 22 Mar 2018 at 12:57

I've seen this happen quite a few times and rarely does it end well, mostly due to the fact that the child in question was not consulted and they later become aggreived with the parent for enforcing it and the other for letting it happen.

A child who has a close, normal, loving relationship with their natural father will in my experience not be happy with having their step father's surname, hyphenated or not.

Your ex needs to sit back and think very hard before making a decision. You can fight in court but do you want to be at legal odds with your ex? Probably not.

Nodiggidy123 · 22 Mar 2018 at 13:05

LzR said:
I've seen this happen quite a few times and rarely does it end well, mostly due to the fact that the child in question was not consulted and they later become aggreived with the parent for enforcing it and the other for letting it happen.

A child who has a close, normal, loving relationship with their natural father will in my experience not be happy with having their step father's surname, hyphenated or not.

Your ex needs to sit back and think very hard before making a decision. You can fight in court but do you want to be at legal odds with your ex? Probably not.

Tbh if Id be happy for her to take me to court over it if she feels necessary. Personally I don't think shes got a case to do so. I'd represent myself and state my case. If a judge decided it was in my sons best interests ( is it really?) then it's something I'd accept but it wouldn't be because of me being OK with it.