Ex's son

Jonnybmac

Jonnybmac

Jonnybmac

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Broke up from a 4 year relationship 3 weeks ago. It was for the best as we both bickered a lot.

One thing that sticks in my mind is her 5 year old son.
I was in his life for 3.5 years and lived with him for 3 years. He loved me I know, and got upset when I left.
I would have loved to stay in contact with him but she said it was messing with his head when we broke up previously and got back together, prior to the final time, because he always wanted me to sleep and would always ask about me.

Is it wrong to message and ask how he is? Would she think I'm trying to open up a convo about us?
Should I ask if he asks about me or misses me?

I've read that rather than just killing contact fully, the non parent could write letters as a means of no contact but keeping in touch. Am I just messing his little mind up by trying to reach out to him?
 
Just leave it, you and her are done and therefore same applies to whatever relationship you and her little boy had.

She’s even said that last time it messed with his head so that should tell you everything you need to know.

Just to add you are not his biological father either so don’t hold any rights over him.
 
I think i agree with the above, as sad as it it and the harsh truth is that he'll move on quite quickly. I think it would've been different had he been older as he would have more developed memories.
 
Letters sounds nice. You could send little birthday presents and cards too.

It's not great for kids' self image for parent figures to keep coming and going, so some sort of sign that you still care might do him good. Of course, such contact might be difficult for you to keep up, once your own emotional attachment begins to subside. Then again, at 5.5 kids are, apparently, not messed up by things like divorce (age 7 to 15 ish are the key ages), so maybe leave it.
 
An alternative suggestion, due to the time you were together I take it you met her parents/family?

Could you not make contact with them and just ask how he's doing?

You bypass contacting her and still get an update.

If that doesn't work, best to leave it.
 
Kinda sucks but I do understand and agree. I think it is more to do with the fact that my own son and I cut ties over a year ago for a lot of reasons mainly due to his mum etc and I always had a rocky relationship with him. Her son was more of a son than I ever had with my own, and the love he shown me felt unconditional rather than trying to force my son to love me from the day he was born through fighting his mother.

I do miss him and the fact at the end the times we spent together he felt happy and content, and how upset he got when I left I feel horrible for his sake.

I was at my friends and they were teaching their daughter to say ice cream and it reminded me of him. Though only 3.5 years, I was there for him in nappy, through talking and everything.

He can read and write, hes very advanced for his age and 6 in November. I thought writing would be okay but I understand it is probably just as confusing.

I don't think contact would be an issue. The last 2 messages I sent were to wish him good luck on an operation a week after we split, and for her best wishes with her grandads funeral 2 weeks after that. She's my sisters friend so I could always ask my sister how he is etc, just wanted her to know and see I still care and think about her son despite what happened to us.
 
Does he have any contact with his biological father? Although hard for you now, it probably won't be so bad for the child as long as he has a stable home life. Also, is there any chance you can be friends with your ex? This can be complicated I know, especially when you both have new love interests ect.
 
You need to respect his Mam’s wishes. I think the most you can do is message her and say you’ve been thinking of them and you hope they’re keeping well.

Going over her to her parents or direct to the kid is an accident waiting to happen..
 
Jonnybmac said:
Kinda sucks but I do understand and agree. I think it is more to do with the fact that my own son and I cut ties over a year ago for a lot of reasons mainly due to his mum etc and I always had a rocky relationship with him. Her son was more of a son than I ever had with my own, and the love he shown me felt unconditional rather than trying to force my son to love me from the day he was born through fighting his mother.

I do miss him and the fact at the end the times we spent together he felt happy and content, and how upset he got when I left I feel horrible for his sake.
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Gutted for you man, now go and bang some out with someone else and get your happy ending.
 
His real dad was always in his life. Always encouraged to be too and we got on okay .

The problem is she lives on the same street as my sister so what happens if/when I bump into him?

I was tempted to ask how he is doing, if he is coping ok. That I'm always here if he needs me and ask what her opinion is to when I do see him do I drive on by to the end if the estate where my sister lives or stop and say hello to him.

I wouldn't message her parents, though we were okay, we split up on holiday with her parents in Bulgaria so that's a no go regardless.
 
Jonnybmac said:
His real dad was always in his life. Always encouraged to be too and we got on okay .

The problem is she lives on the same street as my sister so what happens if/when I bump into him?

I was tempted to ask how he is doing, if he is coping ok. That I'm always here if he needs me and ask what her opinion is to when I do see him do I drive on by to the end if the estate where my sister lives or stop and say hello to him.

I wouldn't message her parents, though we were okay, we split up on holiday with her parents in Bulgaria so that's a no go regardless.
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Then why not just ask his real dad? If he's an ok guy he'll understand exactly where you are coming from.

If you bump into him, you say hello, make a bid deal out of bumping into him, be excited, ask how he's doing and you treat him like you would a friend. Don't ignore him, fob him off or make excuses, that'll say to him you have a problem with him which you haven't :)
 
AHarvey said:
Then why not just ask his real dad? If he's an ok guy he'll understand exactly where you are coming from.

If you bump into him, you say hello, make a bid deal out of bumping into him, be excited, ask how he's doing and you treat him like you would a friend. Don't ignore him, fob him off or make excuses, that'll say to him you have a problem with him which you haven't :)
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I don't think it would go down well to message him an would if anything rather message his mum, just worried for the no contact rule and opening up convos with his mother.
 
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